DOG SLIM

 

Always the poster dog. So unfair!

So, we all know Dutch is the skinny one and I'm... well... the pug. And most of the time being the pug is a totally awesome thing -- except when it comes to food and the dreaded scale.

FACT: when you're a pug, scales are not your friend.

Lately being the pug has reeeally sucked because a certain spotted someone lost a bunch of weight after his surgery and we've been visiting the scale more than usual. This certain spotted someone has also been getting to eat a *ton* of extra stuff while the pug starves to death.

FACT: if you're a pug, you are probably starving.

I guess me and the scale have been getting along OK (I'm still in the 25's) but do you know how much better life would be if I got to eat a *ton* of extra stuff without worrying about the next trip to the scale? Well, on yesterday's trip to hell / the scale, I saw this:

At least it's not a pug.

Ok, so maybe that dog on the box doesn't exactly look happy. But I figure if DogSlim is some sort of diet food, you can probably eat a *ton*of it and still get along with the scale. Kind of genius, right?


ME: can we get some DogSlim?
HUMAN: DogSlim?
ME: says it's a "natural low-calorie, high-fiber treat with added vitamins and minerals to help promote good health and proper weight".
HUMAN: so is a carrot.
ME: but I already eat carrots.
HUMAN: exactly.

SO freaking unfair.

GEORGE AND FRED

where's the liver?

Ready to talk livers?

Ok. So I just found out livers come from baby cows just like the ones who make those tasty pies I like to eat during our hikes. Not sure how that works but since the cows were nice enough to give us their livers, I think we should name them.

Let's call liver #1 George.

GEORGE
Liver attempt #1 did not go well for George or my human. I'm not sure if she screwed up or what (she probably did) but let's just say there were loads of eeeews and grosses and I ended up with a belly full of George. Mmmmmm.

Bad for my human. Awesome for me.

I figured that was the end of the liver, but I guess my human is so sick of feeling like poo she'll do pretty much anything that could make her feel better. Even things that make her go eeewww.

Meet liver #2.

FRED
Things with Fred went much better. There was coconut oil, a whole bunch of lemons and way less eeew-ing. My human learned if you cook the bejesus out of a liver it looks, feels and tastes exactly like this stuff:

Um. I've never had tofu before but I'm pretty sure it doesn't do this when you cut it:

Bleeds like Fred. Tastes like tofu.

Mmmmmm. How can you *not* love something that oozes bloody juice? Anyway. My human loves onions but they don't love her so she hid half of Fred in a bowl of her usual rabbit food and gave the rest to ME. She said liver is "not so bad" if you drown it in lemon juice, balsamic vinegar and mangoes

Not so bad?? Are you freaking kidding me?! Liver is the BEST thing in the world I've ever eaten. Except for bacon. And maybe one or two really spectacular poos. And maybe some other things I can't think of right now because right now all I can think about is how good Fred tasted and when I'll get to meet liver #3.

The *best* thing about liver is Dutch isn't allowed to eat it. Uh huh. Something about it being too high in something that's really bad for Dalmatians. No joke. Spotted Miley's mom said so and she knows more about Dalmatian stuff than Google. You know what not having to share with Dutch means?

More liver for the pug!!

FABULOUS LITTLE THINGS

I probably don't need to tell you this is *not* my idea. If I had thumbs we'd be talking about liver.

Arrgh!

Ok. Here's Dutch...

Hello everybody! I know Pug has told you our life is soooo boring. He has probably told you this is all or some of my fault. We haven't gone on a singe hike since my surgery. We haven't eaten anything new, gone anywhere fun or done anything exciting because I've been getting better.

Some of this is true.

What Pug hasn't told you is we've been exploring our own neighborhood a little each day. At least I have. He's just been trying to pee on stuff. This is not easy to explain, but I never noticed how much there is to notice. So many fabulous little things!

I am here.

Google says this kind of thing can happen after an almost-death experience like mine. I asked our human if I can show you some of the things I've noticed. She thinks it would be cool for me to get a whole entire day to myself each week. Of course Pug thinks this is a terrible idea but my human says if it's OK with you, she'll make him let me do it.

What do you think??

TIARA vs. LIVER

So, remember that list of things I told you about? The one with you on it? Yeah. That one. Well I guess my human wants to feel better NOW and decided the list needs to be longer. I suggested we ask Google for ideas.

Of course Google had TONS of ideas. Most were things she already does. Stuff like eat green leafy vegetables. Go for a walk. Sleep. Others were kinda weird. Cover yourself in temporary tattoos and glitter? Wear a tiara?

Not helpful, Google.

We were about to give up on making the feel-better list longer. Until I read about one of the world's healthiest eatables.

HUMAN: I am NOT eating a liver.
ME: But it's a superfood. It's supposed to make you feel awesome.
HUMAN: Kale is a superfood.
ME: You already eat that and still feel like poo.
HUMAN: Blueberries?
ME: Ditto.

We went back and forth like that for awhile. Turns out the only superfood my human doesn't already eat is liver. Unless you count bacon, the super-est food of all.

I guess my human must be reeeeally sick of feeling like poo because this morning she bought a liver. A real live liver. It's in the fridge right now. Soaking in milk:

liver + milk = pink!?

Don't ask me about the milk. It was Google's idea. Something about making the liver taste less gross?? No clue. But I guess cutting it into chunks, freezing it, and swallowing whole is plan B.

Seriously?

Chef Annie (and anyone else with cooking powers): I'm sure my human would LOVE to know how to turn liver into a tasty eatable, but please shhhhhh! Me & Dutch will get to eat it if my human can't get it down.

Paws crossed for grossness!

SQUASH

I think my human has finally lost whatever brain she has left. It happened this morning during our morning pee walk and went something like this:

HUMAN: Awwwww.
ME: Yes?
HUMAN: Not you. The squash. How cute is that!?!
ME: (confused)

I'm pretty sure she was awwwing about a little plant that was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. Things like that make me smile inside, she said. Ummm. Ok. We see plants all the time. I had no idea what the big deal was.

Weirdo.

I really had to pee and just wanted to get to the park. So when my human asked me to pose next to the plant, I didn't ask any questions. That's when I saw the little note stuck inside:

Ok. So maybe that is kinda cute. For a plant anyway. My human really wanted to bring Acorn Squash home with us - until I reminded her our house is where plants come to die and dead plants don't make anyone smile.