MOVE OVER LIVER!

Since my human survived Fred (liver #2) I suggested we eat liver once a week. Y'know, because liver is a superfood. Well. I have no freaking idea how I did it but she agreed to Liver Mondays. Dutch can't eat liver any day of the week so last night I helped my human finish liver #3. I named her Lucy.

Yummmmm.

As yummo as livers are, I'm 100% sure if they don't make my human do backflips or something, Liver Mondays aren't going to last very long. So I've started thinking about Plan B. Google came back at me with this list of the 11 healthiest foods in the world:

Fish
Kelp
Mushrooms
Coconut
Watercress
Berries
Wild Rice
Wild Game
Maple Syrup
Honey
Nuts

Ugh. Whoever came up with that list obviously wasn't thinking about me when they made it. They also have no idea how to make my freak of a human healthier because she already eats most of that stuff. No joke. Right now the only things on that list *not* already in our house are watercress and wild game.

I have no idea what watercress is, but it didn't make my human Ewwww so I'm guessing it's some kind of vegetable. Google filled me in on the Wild Game.... turns out it's some sort of code for MEAT! I figured my human wouldn't have a clue about secret meat codes and tried to trick her into agreeing to another super-meat night.

ME: can we have game night?
HUMAN: you mean like monopoly?
ME: uhhhh, sure. Or maybe buffalo?
HUMAN: buffalo?

She didn't exactly say yes to Wild Game, but she did say yes to monopoly. Not sure if that's a good thing. Or not.

BROMANTIC

Do I look not-hot to you?

Hello Internet! It's me, Frank. Pug's blonde lady said I could tell you some things about our weekend. Dutch said I should tell you about my bromance but I don't know what that means so I'm going to tell you about hiking instead.

We hiked. It was hot and I wanted to die. Pug and Dutch didn't think it was hot at all but they were wrong. I don't like nature but lying on the dirty ground is better than hiking. Anything is better than hiking. Humping is *much* better than hiking.

FRANK'S HUMP TIP: Humping when you're hot just makes you hotter! Try holding paws instead. Not as much fun as humping but better than panting to death.

Humping and hiking and paw holding all day long makes you very tired. Even Pug was tired. We were both too tired to fight over the ottoman so we shared.

The end.

Bye!

Frank

AAA-DMV-SFMTA-CHP

ME: Where have you been??
MY HUMAN: Acronym hell.
ME: Well, Frank's been humping me for like 7 hours straight.
MY HUMAN: Do you feel like stabbing your eyes out with a freaking ice pick?
ME: Uhhhh.... I don't think so.

I could tell by the way she said freaking ice pick this was one of those times when you're supposed to shut your mouth and not ask questions. Frank didn't get the hint.

FRANK: What's an acronym?
MY HUMAN: AAA! DMV!! SFMTA!!! CHP!!!!!
ME: Are those HBO words?
MY HUMAN: YES!!

No idea what my human's problem is. But just in case she's serious about the ice pick thing, I'm not going to ask. And if you ever hear your human talk about acronyms? Might want to keep your eyes open and mouth shut.

BYE BYE BACON BACON

I know Dutch told you all about how almost-death experiences make you notice more stuff. Life's little fabulous things, he calls them. Sure. Whatever. What he didn't tell you - in case you forgot - is I almost died once too. Twice if you count the time I could have almost died trying to fetch a tennis ball in the middle of a lake.

So yeah. I notice stuff too.

Well, it doesn't take a near death experience to make you notice a giant picture of BACON on the front of a newspaper. Especially when the words BACON BACON are staring at you in big fat black letters. No. Stuff like that is impossible to miss.

Unless you are my human. Then you walk right by the newspaper and the picture of the BACON and the words BACON BACON and then get totally grumpy when your starving bacon-loving pug stops to take a look.

Luckily someone (me) is paying attention because the newspaper was trying to tell us (me) that the Bacon Bacon cafe is being forced to close. I guess someone in their neighborhood hates the smell of bacon and complained or something and when the Bacon Bacon people tried to put filters in to make the smell go away the city wouldn't give them permits or whatever. So now Bacon Bacon is going bye bye.

Tomorrow!!!

My human said no when I asked if we could go say goodbye to Bacon Bacon. She obviously doesn't  realize this a bacon emergency because when I asked a second, third and fourth time she still said no. I will keep asking until she says yes just to shut me up - or until Bacon Bacon closes its doors. Whichever comes first.

Paws crossed for Bacon Bacon!!!

 

DOG SLIM

 

Always the poster dog. So unfair!

So, we all know Dutch is the skinny one and I'm... well... the pug. And most of the time being the pug is a totally awesome thing -- except when it comes to food and the dreaded scale.

FACT: when you're a pug, scales are not your friend.

Lately being the pug has reeeally sucked because a certain spotted someone lost a bunch of weight after his surgery and we've been visiting the scale more than usual. This certain spotted someone has also been getting to eat a *ton* of extra stuff while the pug starves to death.

FACT: if you're a pug, you are probably starving.

I guess me and the scale have been getting along OK (I'm still in the 25's) but do you know how much better life would be if I got to eat a *ton* of extra stuff without worrying about the next trip to the scale? Well, on yesterday's trip to hell / the scale, I saw this:

At least it's not a pug.

Ok, so maybe that dog on the box doesn't exactly look happy. But I figure if DogSlim is some sort of diet food, you can probably eat a *ton*of it and still get along with the scale. Kind of genius, right?


ME: can we get some DogSlim?
HUMAN: DogSlim?
ME: says it's a "natural low-calorie, high-fiber treat with added vitamins and minerals to help promote good health and proper weight".
HUMAN: so is a carrot.
ME: but I already eat carrots.
HUMAN: exactly.

SO freaking unfair.