AAA-DMV-SFMTA-CHP

ME: Where have you been??
MY HUMAN: Acronym hell.
ME: Well, Frank's been humping me for like 7 hours straight.
MY HUMAN: Do you feel like stabbing your eyes out with a freaking ice pick?
ME: Uhhhh.... I don't think so.

I could tell by the way she said freaking ice pick this was one of those times when you're supposed to shut your mouth and not ask questions. Frank didn't get the hint.

FRANK: What's an acronym?
MY HUMAN: AAA! DMV!! SFMTA!!! CHP!!!!!
ME: Are those HBO words?
MY HUMAN: YES!!

No idea what my human's problem is. But just in case she's serious about the ice pick thing, I'm not going to ask. And if you ever hear your human talk about acronyms? Might want to keep your eyes open and mouth shut.

BYE BYE BACON BACON

I know Dutch told you all about how almost-death experiences make you notice more stuff. Life's little fabulous things, he calls them. Sure. Whatever. What he didn't tell you - in case you forgot - is I almost died once too. Twice if you count the time I could have almost died trying to fetch a tennis ball in the middle of a lake.

So yeah. I notice stuff too.

Well, it doesn't take a near death experience to make you notice a giant picture of BACON on the front of a newspaper. Especially when the words BACON BACON are staring at you in big fat black letters. No. Stuff like that is impossible to miss.

Unless you are my human. Then you walk right by the newspaper and the picture of the BACON and the words BACON BACON and then get totally grumpy when your starving bacon-loving pug stops to take a look.

Luckily someone (me) is paying attention because the newspaper was trying to tell us (me) that the Bacon Bacon cafe is being forced to close. I guess someone in their neighborhood hates the smell of bacon and complained or something and when the Bacon Bacon people tried to put filters in to make the smell go away the city wouldn't give them permits or whatever. So now Bacon Bacon is going bye bye.

Tomorrow!!!

My human said no when I asked if we could go say goodbye to Bacon Bacon. She obviously doesn't  realize this a bacon emergency because when I asked a second, third and fourth time she still said no. I will keep asking until she says yes just to shut me up - or until Bacon Bacon closes its doors. Whichever comes first.

Paws crossed for Bacon Bacon!!!

 

DOG SLIM

 

Always the poster dog. So unfair!

So, we all know Dutch is the skinny one and I'm... well... the pug. And most of the time being the pug is a totally awesome thing -- except when it comes to food and the dreaded scale.

FACT: when you're a pug, scales are not your friend.

Lately being the pug has reeeally sucked because a certain spotted someone lost a bunch of weight after his surgery and we've been visiting the scale more than usual. This certain spotted someone has also been getting to eat a *ton* of extra stuff while the pug starves to death.

FACT: if you're a pug, you are probably starving.

I guess me and the scale have been getting along OK (I'm still in the 25's) but do you know how much better life would be if I got to eat a *ton* of extra stuff without worrying about the next trip to the scale? Well, on yesterday's trip to hell / the scale, I saw this:

At least it's not a pug.

Ok, so maybe that dog on the box doesn't exactly look happy. But I figure if DogSlim is some sort of diet food, you can probably eat a *ton*of it and still get along with the scale. Kind of genius, right?


ME: can we get some DogSlim?
HUMAN: DogSlim?
ME: says it's a "natural low-calorie, high-fiber treat with added vitamins and minerals to help promote good health and proper weight".
HUMAN: so is a carrot.
ME: but I already eat carrots.
HUMAN: exactly.

SO freaking unfair.

GEORGE AND FRED

where's the liver?

Ready to talk livers?

Ok. So I just found out livers come from baby cows just like the ones who make those tasty pies I like to eat during our hikes. Not sure how that works but since the cows were nice enough to give us their livers, I think we should name them.

Let's call liver #1 George.

GEORGE
Liver attempt #1 did not go well for George or my human. I'm not sure if she screwed up or what (she probably did) but let's just say there were loads of eeeews and grosses and I ended up with a belly full of George. Mmmmmm.

Bad for my human. Awesome for me.

I figured that was the end of the liver, but I guess my human is so sick of feeling like poo she'll do pretty much anything that could make her feel better. Even things that make her go eeewww.

Meet liver #2.

FRED
Things with Fred went much better. There was coconut oil, a whole bunch of lemons and way less eeew-ing. My human learned if you cook the bejesus out of a liver it looks, feels and tastes exactly like this stuff:

Um. I've never had tofu before but I'm pretty sure it doesn't do this when you cut it:

Bleeds like Fred. Tastes like tofu.

Mmmmmm. How can you *not* love something that oozes bloody juice? Anyway. My human loves onions but they don't love her so she hid half of Fred in a bowl of her usual rabbit food and gave the rest to ME. She said liver is "not so bad" if you drown it in lemon juice, balsamic vinegar and mangoes

Not so bad?? Are you freaking kidding me?! Liver is the BEST thing in the world I've ever eaten. Except for bacon. And maybe one or two really spectacular poos. And maybe some other things I can't think of right now because right now all I can think about is how good Fred tasted and when I'll get to meet liver #3.

The *best* thing about liver is Dutch isn't allowed to eat it. Uh huh. Something about it being too high in something that's really bad for Dalmatians. No joke. Spotted Miley's mom said so and she knows more about Dalmatian stuff than Google. You know what not having to share with Dutch means?

More liver for the pug!!

FABULOUS LITTLE THINGS

I probably don't need to tell you this is *not* my idea. If I had thumbs we'd be talking about liver.

Arrgh!

Ok. Here's Dutch...

Hello everybody! I know Pug has told you our life is soooo boring. He has probably told you this is all or some of my fault. We haven't gone on a singe hike since my surgery. We haven't eaten anything new, gone anywhere fun or done anything exciting because I've been getting better.

Some of this is true.

What Pug hasn't told you is we've been exploring our own neighborhood a little each day. At least I have. He's just been trying to pee on stuff. This is not easy to explain, but I never noticed how much there is to notice. So many fabulous little things!

I am here.

Google says this kind of thing can happen after an almost-death experience like mine. I asked our human if I can show you some of the things I've noticed. She thinks it would be cool for me to get a whole entire day to myself each week. Of course Pug thinks this is a terrible idea but my human says if it's OK with you, she'll make him let me do it.

What do you think??