ADIOS!

I know you missed me but you haven't missed a thing around here. Nothing. My human had another probably-not-Lupus attack right after I posted the last half-naked Santa and spent the next bunch of days in one of those Benedryl comas trying not to go to the doctor.

PROBABLY-NOT-LUPUS EYE

NORMAL HUMAN EYE

The probably-not-Lupus attack was just like what happened with her hand, except this time it was her eyes. And then the rest of her face. Of course the doctors have no idea why my human keeps puffing up, but that Prednisone stuff they gave her totally deflated things back to normal. Please don't tell her I showed you a picture of her probably-not-Lupus eye. Or the normal one with the bad hair. She'd totally freak.

Anyway.

So I didn't get 5 pounds of bacon, baby cowpies or poses with Nikon for Christmas. We didn't even have ONE day of Christmas - forget about 12. But Frank was here so I played with him and I'll add Christmas to the VERY long list of 2012 things we need to celebrate in 2013.

2012 wasn't exactly my #1 favorite year. Except for getting to meet lots of you in the fur/skin, this year was pretty sucky and I'm kinda glad it's almost over. 2013 is going to be waaaaay better. I just know it.

RAINBOW OVER PETCO = GOOD JUJU FOR 2013

Thank you all for sticking with me. Even when I was weekly. And even not-so-weekly. I'm putting and end to that tomorrow. I don't know about you & your people, but my human is waaaay more human when we're all here together. 

Adios 2012!!!!

PS: Sammy + Neko -- I totally forgot! The great big giant box wasn't for me, Dutch OR my human. It was for Kim. Yeah. That Kim is still here. The thing that came in the box is... hard to explain. I'll see if Droid can take a video.

THE ENDS

So I guess it's the end of half-naked Santa week. I don't know about you, but I'm kinda going to miss Santa and his skivvies. Not like I like looking at half-naked dudes or anything, but anything that makes humans laugh so hard they spew drinkables is a good thing. Right?

Right.

Anyway. Today is full of all sorts of ends. It's the winter solstice thingy -- the beginning of the end of short dark days. It's also the end of the world. At least if you're one of those Mayan people. No idea, but that's what the NPR radioman said. It's also the end of my human staring at HAL4 like 24/7.

Short dark days make my human SAD, so I'm happy about the beginning of that end. I'm not a Mayan, so I'm pretty sure my world isn't ending and that's cool. The best end of all? My human is finally FINALLY ready to start sending pictures out to the Other 999. The official stuff will go out this weekend, but I'm so freaking excited about it - you have no idea.

NO IDEA.

No more hikeless, blogless days. No more sleepless, grumpy stressed out human or crazy ranting about how fawn pugs soak up bad color like cute little sponges and how blue sky and green grass are just so (HBO-word) evil. Yeah. That's right. She said pugs are sponges and grass is evil. Told you. Crazy.

Cute little sponge (aka Otis, #527) before + after stuff that makes my human crazy

So, Dutch will finally get to have a birthday. I'll finally get to celebrate Thanksgiving and wear the new dorky Halloween outfit Sophie's mom gave me. We'll start going to the dog park and Pug Sunday again and I'll get to see my friends. My human will start taking pictures of Pug #1 again. WITH NIKON.

I'm very excited about all these things. My human is excited about opening mail, vacuuming out Mazda and unpacking her suitcase, but she's a weirdo. We're both superexcited that the Atlanta Pugs and (everyone else) will finally get to be happy. All we ever want is for people to be happy.

PS: As soon as my human stops leaking, I'll tell you all about this:

I mean the awesomeness inside the box. The rest is just Frank.

WILD IN THE STREETS

The only thing better than a half-naked Santa is a whole BUNCH of half-naked Santas. Running. Like down the street.

I have no idea why that dude is taking a picture of a tree with all those Santas running around, but the half-naked Santa parade was enough to make my human touch Nikon for the first time since we got back from the other coast. I mean, our neighborhood is full of half-naked dudes. Even whole-naked ones. But this whole Santa thing is totally new.

And kinda weird.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one wondering what's up with the Santas, so I asked Google about it. Uhm. Yeah. Google says the Santas "dropped trou" to raise money for the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. I'm not 100% sure what "drop trou" means, but I think it must be code for take off all your clothes, run around in your underwear and make the world a happier place. 

Go Santas!!!

SMILE LIKE A WATERMELON

I'm SO glad I was right about the half-naked Santas. I knew they would make the world a happier place. Uhm, sorry if anyone or anything got spit on. Tell your human to swallow all drinkables from now on before reading. I'm trying to get my grumpy human in a good mood -- if my plan works, I might be funnier than usual. 

Anyway. Since the half-naked Santas made everyone here feel so good, I thought it'd be cool to send them to people who could really really use some happiness. Of course miss grumpy squashed that idea.

ME: Since I can't get on a plane to make the kids in Connecticut feel better, I think we should make them a card.

HUMAN: Aw, Pug. You can be so sweet. What kind of card?

ME: Y'know. Something that might help them a feel happier. Like the half-naked Santas.

HUMAN: Uhm, it's not really ok to send a picture of dudes in their underwear to kids. 

ME: Even if the half-naked dude is Santa?

HUMAN: Especially if the half-naked dude is Santa.

ME: Ok. How about some watermelon slices? Dutch thinks they look like smiles. 

HUMAN: Watermelons would be good. 

So, we put a picture of me and the happy watermelon mural (before it got ruined) on a card and sent it to the kids in Sandy Hook. I don't know if they will ever get to read it, but I hope it makes them smile like a watermelon if they do.

SMILE LIKE A WATERMELON

HALF-NAKED SANTA WEEK

ME: ok we need to dust off Nikon. Like, NOW.

HUMAN: Pug. Can't you see I'm busy?

ME: can't you see I don't care? 

HUMAN: excuse me??

ME: Uhm. Sorry. But seriously, the world really needs some happiness. So I need your thumbs. And Nikon.

HUMAN: can't the world wait? I'm trying reeeeeally hard to get these pugs done. That will make me and 999 others happy. Isn't that enough?

ME: but the streets are full of half naked Santas!!!

HUMAN: and half naked Santas are going to make the world feel better?

ME: YES!!

Ok, so maybe pictures of Santas in their underwear won't make the world happy. But I hope the half-naked Santas make *somebody* out there laugh. Or smile. Or forget for like half a minute how sucky things can sometimes be.

Gotta give back the thumbs. More Santas tomorrow...

EVICTING MUCUS

I missed you at the end of last week, but you didn't miss a thing around here. Because even though my human tried really hard not to get sick, it totally didn't work. And you know the Mucinex stuff that's supposed to evict mucus? Didn't work either.

So my human went to the people-vet. She has that bronchitisaurus thing (again). And I guess since her body sucks at evicting mucus, they gave her some pills that are supposed to kick the brocho-whatevers butt. She still honks like a goose and sounds like a frog, but my human says she needs her thumbs back so I guess the pills are doing something.

I seriously think I need a new human.

PS: the Giant Black Thing is still sitting in the hallway. Still hasn't moved or made a peep. Still very creepy. I asked Google if it might be a treadmill but it sounds like treadmills don't just sit there and get dusty. Will keep you posted.

NOT-QUITE HAIKU WEDNESDAY

Roasted bananas kinda look like slugs

but taste waaaay better

than regular bananas.

Regular bananas look like bananas

but taste soooo freaking gross

I spit them out.

On the floor.

GIANT BLACK THING

After like 4 hours of non-stop Jimmying, I finally got my human to open the stupidly giant box. I still have no freaking idea what was inside, but at least it's open.

Uhm. Yeah. I don't remember asking for a Giant Black Thing. Dutch is totally afraid of it (of course) so I'm pretty sure it's not for him either. My human was kinda surprised when the dudes showed up with the box, so I'm thinking she didn't buy whatever it is for herself. Or she just doesn't remember buying it. Totally possible.

Totally.

So I still don't know what the GBT is, who it's for or what it's doing in my house. It hasn't done anything crazy... yet. But the way it just sits there doing nothing is kinda creepy. I guess it could be broken or something but my human doesn't seem too worried. Whatever. I'm totally keeping my eyes on it.

OK. My human is full of snot and kinda grumpy so I need to give the thumbs back like NOW. It's all about the Other 999. Sigh.

PS: Droid helped me take top secret pictures of HAL4's screen so you can feel my pain. Seriously. Do you guys have to be so freaking cute??

 

STUPIDLY GIANT BOX

Check out the stupidly giant box that came today. It's so freaking big, two giant dudes had to carry it up to our compartment. I have no idea what's inside but I'm hoping it's for me. I mean, I didn't have a Thanksgiving. It's got to be for me.

Right?

My human says she'll open the giant box when her thumbs are done with whatever she's doing that's more important than opening boxes. I bet she'd want to open the box ASAP if it was hers. That means it's got to me mine. Or maybe Dutch's. But whatever's Dutch's is totally mine anyway, so even if the box is for him it's still pretty much mine anyway.

Anyway. My human spent all weekend trying not to have a cold and is extrasupergrumpy. So I'm not going to bug her about the box. Yet. I'm just going to give her back the thumbs, do my best Jimmy pose and wait.

JUST A POOP AWAY

Superskinny me!

Sometimes I kinda get the feeling the universe knows things I don't. Y'know, things like when we're going to going to run out of dogfood, have to take a trip to the dogfood store, where my butt's going to end up on a scale.

Since I'm trying not to be mad at my human for cancelling Thanksgiving, I'm trying to believe in the whole universe-knows-better thing. Because when my butt ended up on the scale today, I was super happy the universe saved me from having a bellyful of turkey and pie.

The last time I got scaled, it was not good news. Like 28.something pounds of not-good news. And I'd pretty much given up on ever making the 25lb treat cut off ever again. But check me and my waist out now. 26 freaking pounds!! I'm just a poop away from all sorts of new eatables.

Who needs turkey+pie day when you can go shopping for new treats??

NOT AS GOOD AS PIE

Well, the day's alomost over and still no sign of any turkey or pie. We did get to hike with the cows this morning because my human's eyes were all gummy from staring at other pugs for too long. And I guess that was cool. But no hike is ever as good as pie.

Ever.

So, I hope you all ate enough for both of us. Because even though I reeeeally want to be mad at my human for letting the Other 999 come between me and turkey day...

1. I'm pretty sure she didn't do it on purpose.
2. I know she'll make it up to me.... someday (right??)
3. She surprised me with a box of these special cards: 

And now I can say hello to my everyones too. There are only 10 cards in the box and I'll probably have to share them with Dutch, so if your postal person doesn't bring you one it totally doesn't mean I don't love you. I do. You are all my everyones!

WAY LESS SUCKY

Warm. Dry.

The sun isn't awake yet, but so far things around here are much less sucky. My human is still stressed. I'm still not getting any turkey or pie. The Atlanta Pugs still don't have their pictures. But all your awesomeness made everything feel a ton better. And things can't be too sucky if you have a warm bed to sleep in. Even if Dutch hogs most of it.


Guess I should probably explain the warm bed thing.

Ok. So this morning there were people sleeping in front of our house. Like on our doorstep. Like I had to step on people to go outside and pee. Yeah. This has never happened before and it kinda freaked me out.

ME: how come people are sleeping on our house?
MY HUMAN: probably because it's been raining really really hard all night.
ME: why didn't they sleep at their own house?
MY HUMAN: I'm thinking they don't have a house to sleep in.

Don't have a house to sleep in? Talk about sucky.

One of the door sleepers was in a bag. The other one just had a blanket. I woke the bagged one up when I stepped on the head-end of the bag by mistake. My human totally would have squawked at me if I stepped on her head, but the door sleeper just said sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. I wagged and she pet me. My human told her it was ok for her to stay, we just needed to get outside so I could pee (Dutch was too afraid and stayed inside).

Peeing in the rain really sucks so sleeping in -- or even near -- the rain must totally suck. So I asked my human if we could give the door sleepers something to make the rest of their day better. Like a donut. Or bacon. Or socks. She thought this idea was awesome.

Of course we don't have donuts or bacon at our house and my human wasn't sure if anyone would want her socks. So on the way back from peeing, we stopped at 7-11 to get the door sleepers some breakfast eatables. The 7-11 dudes know all my human ever eats is diet coke and asked why on earth we were looking at donuts. She told them about the door sleepers.

Send them down here. I'll make sure they get a good breakfast, the 7-11 dude said. He promised me 'something good' meant donuts.

The door sleepers were still sleeping when we got home so my human stuck a note to the lady door sleeper's bag:

Go to 7-11, breakfast is waiting for you. 

Happy Thanksgiving :)

PS: Knock if you want some dry socks.

HELLO

Well, I almost made it here on Friday. I can't remember if my human forgot to click the publish button, fell asleep, had to pee and forgot all about me by the time she was done, or what (probably all of those things). But I'm here now and I guess now is better than never.

Anyway. It's been kind of very sucky around here lately. Dutch can wrap himself in all the pink he wants - I'm cool with that. But this pug doesn't do pink. No matter how good it feels. So remember the other day when I said there are 3 things I wanted to tell you? Well, it's time for Thing #3.

Thing #3 is... kinda weird. But I guess it has the power to make a lot of people feel good and we all know I'm all about that.

THING #3
My human says one way to make sucky stuff less sucky is to turn the suckiness into something good. I say bacon has the power to make things less sucky too, but she says we have to try Thing #3 first.

Step 1: make a list of everyone you love

Step 2: make another list of everyone you love, but don't get to see or maybe don't even talk to

Step 3: get a bunch of stamps, some stuff to write on and somebody with thumbs to operate the pen

Step 4: write something to everyone on your lists. It doesn't have to be a long something. If you have no idea what to say or not a whole lot of time to say it, just say hi (or get these HELLO cards  from Target like we did).


Step 5: put the stamps on the notes and put the notes in a mailbox. Oh, and don't do what my human does and forget to put an address on the envelope. The postal people need to know where your note needs to go.

I know everyone is superbusy getting ready for Turkey Day and Black Day and whatever. My human is so freaking busy trying to get the Other 999's pictures done, we're not even having a turkey day at our house. That's right - no turkey. No pie. No whipped cream. No Day. But we'll totally make time for Thing #3. Because letting the everyones on our list know we're thinking about them is more important than anything --- and if it doesn't make you feel good, you can always eat bacon.

THE PINKIEST OF PINK

Me. Last week. Vet parking lot. PINK!

Pug is too unhappy to blog. Frank is too busy snoring to care. My human is trying hard to get stuff done. So tonight you get me.

I suppose things here are a bit sucky. Maybe things are sucky where you are too. If I could make all the sucky-ness go away, I would. For everyone. Forever.

Whenever I feel bad, I wrap myself up in the pinkiest pink and try very hard to smile. Even if I don't really want to. This doesn't make the sucky stuff go away, but it does make me feel better. Please don't tell Pug. He'll just make fun of me.

Love,

Dutch

DAILY... FRANK?

Hi internet. It's me. Frank. Pug got tired of waiting for his blonde lady to have thumbs and also got in trouble for being mean so today you get me. Frank.

The day is almost over and I don't know what to say. Here is what you missed:

This is us. Tonight on the couch. Happy and asleep. I was the most happy because I got the lap spot.

 Until Pug woke up and was the most unhappy because I got the lap spot and he did not.

Pug was so mean I gave him back the stupid lap.

That was not enough to make him happy and I ended up here. Like this. On the floor.

I'm staying with Dutch + Pug for a few days. If Pug gets caught being mean to me again I might be back.

Love me. Frank.

WEEKLY PUGLET?

So I told my human if she doesn't start giving me more thumb-time soon, we're going to have to change the name of my blog to Weekly Pulget. She didn't like the sound of this and neither do I. But I guess her thumbs have their hands full and even though I'm on the list somewhere, I'm just not at the top of it right now.

Not at the top of the list? Seriously?? I'm not sure what that's about, but I made her promise to fix it ASAP. Weekly is not OK. For me. For you. Or for my human. Daily helps keep her sane and happy. And right now she needs all the sane and happy we can get.

So, I'm going to work on making the Daily Puglet daily again. For us, you and everyone else. While I'm busy doing that, here's some serious human-stuff I want everyone to know about.

WHAT A HEART ATTACK LOOKS LIKE

SOPHIE + HER MOM a few weeks ago in NJ.

Last week my cousin Sophie's mom had a heart attack. This happened to me when they tried to take away my boy parts, but she was just eating breakfast. She was totally healthy and didn't know it was a heart attack. She thought she was sick from helping one of her friends clean out a wet, moldy house Huge Sandy ruined. Even Google said mold could make you feel pukey.

When feeling pukey turned into sweating and puke-ing, Sophie's mom figured it was time to see a doctor. Y'know, to get drugs or something to make the mold-sickness go away. She felt too sick to drive so my human's brother came and took her to the ER. On the way there, he told her to let the doctors make their own diagnosis. I guess his friend's mom thought she had food poisoning so she told the doctor she thought she had food poisoning. The doctor gave her stuff to fix food poisoning when what she really had was a twisted intestine and what she really needed was surgery.

It took like two minutes for the doctors to figure out what was really going on with Sophie's mom and helicoptered her to a special hospital faster than you can say heart attack. The heart-people totally fixed her and now she's doing awesome, but it was still superscary for everyone. Especially since things could have been way worse.

So. I want everyone to know a few things.

THING #1
If you're really sick, go to the doctor (Google doesn't count). When you get there, let the doctor be the doctor. They might say you have Lupus or something stupid, but it's better to not-really-have-Lupus than to have Lupus and not know it. Right?


THING #2
Healthy people have heart attacks too. And they don't always feel like heart attacks. It might feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest, or you might just sweat and puke up your breakfast. Sophie's mom said she felt sick, but not 911 sick and definitely NOT put-me-on-a-helicopter heart attack sick.

If you have a heart, you should know the symptoms of an attack:

• Chest pain or tightness
• Pain in jaw or arm
• Irregular heartbeat
• Light-headedness, dizziness, fainting
• Nausea or vomiting
• Shortness of breath
• Sweating, which may be very heavy

There is one more thing. A really important one. But I'll save it for tomorrow so my human will have to give me some thumb time.

I DIDN'T EAT A WOODCHIP

Well, thanks to my supertired human we slept through my parade. And Halloween. And even Huge Sandy. Yup. Pretty much missed all of it. I'm pretty sure everyone has had enough of Huge Sandy by now, but if you're on the Eat Coast - we hope you are SAFE.

(Chaz in Hoboken, Frodo+Molly in Brick, Sid+friends in Brooklyn - been thinking about you!)

Sleeping gets really boring after awhile so I was pretty excited when we finally left the house... and headed straight for PetSmart to buy more dog food. It was night time so we came right home, but my human promised we'd hike with the cows first thing in the morning.

I was cool with that. Until about 4am. When I started puking. And puking. And puking... until I couldn't puke anymore and went to sleep. I don't know if there's a world record for puking, but if there is, I'm pretty sure I broke it. Or at least came in 2nd.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt like poo. My human fed me breakfast but my stomach didn't want to eat it. When I wouldn't eat my food, she tried to feed me chicken. And cheese. And pumpkin. And baby food. She even tried to give me bacon, but my stomach wanted nothing to do with any of it.

HUMAN: Puglet, did you eat a woodchip?
ME: No.
HUMAN: A rock? Stick? Chunk of bark?
ME: No.
HUMAN: Did you accidentally swallow anything?? I promise not to bludgeon you. Just tell me the truth.

The truth was no. And I wasn't lying either. Really. I mean we'd been stuck in the house for days, what could I have eaten?  I didn't know why my stomach hurt, but I knew it wasn't from eating a freaking woodchip.

I tried everything to make my stomach happy. I sat up, I laid down. I took a nap, went for a walk. I even ate some nasty grass at the park. But nothing made the hurt go away. By the afternoon, things really started hurting. Like, everything. Breathing even hurt.

That's when we went to the vet. Miley+Boka's mom came along to keep my human from having a nervous breakdown. And I guess take pictures of me looking pathetic.

Me looking not-so-cute.

My human told the vet all about all the things I've tried to eat. Told her I hadn't eaten all day and how that never EVER happens. The vet stuck the thing up my butt and listened to me breathe. She said my vitals were all normal, whatever that means. I was too busy tying not to hurt to listen to what the humans were saying and next thing you know I'm lying on top of some giant machine getting pictures of my insides taken.

My insides.

My insides didn't look so great. The black blobs in the picture are just farts, but see all that other stuff that looks like a whole bunch of big fat sausages? Those are my small intestines. And I guess small intestines are supposed to look like skinny little hotdogs, not big fat sausages.

The vet said a few things can make intestines turn from hotdogs to sausages. Something called a 'bowel obstruction' is one of those things. My human says 'bowel obstruction' is the technical term for stuck woodchip so even though I totally did NOT eat a woodchip, she was totally convinced I did.

I spent the rest of the day, the whole entire night, and the next day at the vet. They filled me up with fluids and drugs to help my intestines look like hotdogs again. I didn't eat for like 46 hours and 49 minutes. They took more pictures of my insides. I heard someone say if I didn't poop something out soon, they'd have to open me up.

OPEN. ME. UP.

That's code for surgery. I had a heart attack and freaking died during surgery once. Seriously. For like 3 minutes, I was dead. No way was anyone going to open me up. So I pooped. And out came this:

Actual size = AS BIG AS MY FOOT

Yeah. Something the size of my foot came out of my butt. Yes, it hurt. My human really needs her thumbs back now, so I'll have to tell you the rest tomorrow. Don't worry, I came home yesterday and am totally ok.

Oh, and if you have any of these, DO NOT eat them:

HUGE SANDY

ADIOS, EAT COAST

We barely made it off the Eat Coast before hurricane Sandy stopped all the planes from flying. I guess Sandy is too big for airplanes too. It took us pretty much forever to get here, but we're back on the right coast again. Left coast? Uhm, regular coast?

Whatever. We're home. And a whole bunch of REALLY loud to people partied in the streets last night to celebrate. Think I even heard something about a parade. How cool is that? Seriously. I had no idea San Francisco missed me so much.

Anyway. Even though we're back on the right/left/regular coast, we're still on Eat Coast time and suuuper tired. Thanks to the airplane and noisy party people, we all need a big fat mega-nap. Please wake me up in time for my parade. I think it's on Wednesday.

If you're on the Eat Coast, don't mess with Huge Sandy. If they tell you to leave your house, go! If they tell you to stay inside, stay! Be careful and stay safe. I'll dream lots of good and dry thoughts for you.

PS: someone's dumb thumbs didn't push the publish button so you missed like two whole days of me last week. It's there now if you missed me :)

UH, OH... DETECTO!

Well, I'm not sure exactly how much a-little-bit-fat weighs. But according to the stupid scale at cousin Sophie's PetSmart  (and my human), I am officially F-A-T.

And that's after peeing/pooping, without a leash or collar. Yeah. I don't even want to think about what Detecto might have said if I hadn't spent an entire day fetching my butt off.

Right now I'm trying to convince my human that Eat Coast scales are not the same as our scales back home and cannot be trusted. Not sure she's buying it though. She's still feeding me, but it's been nothing but dog food and carrots since the Whoopie Pie.

This is not the time for carrots. I might never set paw on the Eat Coast again and definitely can't leave with an empty stomach...

NO FETCH LEFT

Sorry I missed you yesterday, but I was superbusy trying to get a little less fat before my butt ends up on a scale and I never get to eat again.

So I fetched...

And fetched...

And fetched some more.

I fetched until there wasn't any fetch left in me. I'm not sure if I'm any less fat, but I am definitely more tired. Please cross your paws for good news from the Eat Coast scales.