I DIDN'T EAT A WOODCHIP

Well, thanks to my supertired human we slept through my parade. And Halloween. And even Huge Sandy. Yup. Pretty much missed all of it. I'm pretty sure everyone has had enough of Huge Sandy by now, but if you're on the Eat Coast - we hope you are SAFE.

(Chaz in Hoboken, Frodo+Molly in Brick, Sid+friends in Brooklyn - been thinking about you!)

Sleeping gets really boring after awhile so I was pretty excited when we finally left the house... and headed straight for PetSmart to buy more dog food. It was night time so we came right home, but my human promised we'd hike with the cows first thing in the morning.

I was cool with that. Until about 4am. When I started puking. And puking. And puking... until I couldn't puke anymore and went to sleep. I don't know if there's a world record for puking, but if there is, I'm pretty sure I broke it. Or at least came in 2nd.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt like poo. My human fed me breakfast but my stomach didn't want to eat it. When I wouldn't eat my food, she tried to feed me chicken. And cheese. And pumpkin. And baby food. She even tried to give me bacon, but my stomach wanted nothing to do with any of it.

HUMAN: Puglet, did you eat a woodchip?
ME: No.
HUMAN: A rock? Stick? Chunk of bark?
ME: No.
HUMAN: Did you accidentally swallow anything?? I promise not to bludgeon you. Just tell me the truth.

The truth was no. And I wasn't lying either. Really. I mean we'd been stuck in the house for days, what could I have eaten?  I didn't know why my stomach hurt, but I knew it wasn't from eating a freaking woodchip.

I tried everything to make my stomach happy. I sat up, I laid down. I took a nap, went for a walk. I even ate some nasty grass at the park. But nothing made the hurt go away. By the afternoon, things really started hurting. Like, everything. Breathing even hurt.

That's when we went to the vet. Miley+Boka's mom came along to keep my human from having a nervous breakdown. And I guess take pictures of me looking pathetic.

Me looking not-so-cute.

My human told the vet all about all the things I've tried to eat. Told her I hadn't eaten all day and how that never EVER happens. The vet stuck the thing up my butt and listened to me breathe. She said my vitals were all normal, whatever that means. I was too busy tying not to hurt to listen to what the humans were saying and next thing you know I'm lying on top of some giant machine getting pictures of my insides taken.

My insides.

My insides didn't look so great. The black blobs in the picture are just farts, but see all that other stuff that looks like a whole bunch of big fat sausages? Those are my small intestines. And I guess small intestines are supposed to look like skinny little hotdogs, not big fat sausages.

The vet said a few things can make intestines turn from hotdogs to sausages. Something called a 'bowel obstruction' is one of those things. My human says 'bowel obstruction' is the technical term for stuck woodchip so even though I totally did NOT eat a woodchip, she was totally convinced I did.

I spent the rest of the day, the whole entire night, and the next day at the vet. They filled me up with fluids and drugs to help my intestines look like hotdogs again. I didn't eat for like 46 hours and 49 minutes. They took more pictures of my insides. I heard someone say if I didn't poop something out soon, they'd have to open me up.

OPEN. ME. UP.

That's code for surgery. I had a heart attack and freaking died during surgery once. Seriously. For like 3 minutes, I was dead. No way was anyone going to open me up. So I pooped. And out came this:

Actual size = AS BIG AS MY FOOT

Yeah. Something the size of my foot came out of my butt. Yes, it hurt. My human really needs her thumbs back now, so I'll have to tell you the rest tomorrow. Don't worry, I came home yesterday and am totally ok.

Oh, and if you have any of these, DO NOT eat them: