IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMETHING FLIES UP YOUR SNOUT

I'm pretty sure my human wasn't lying when she said the flies wouldn't hurt me. She probably just didn't know one of them was going to get stuck in my snout. Because if she *did* know something was going to get stuck in my snout, she probably wouldn't have let it happen in the middle of a field a few miles from the car.

But that's exactly what happened. And it hurt.
If you've never had anything stuck in your snout, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. I tried coughing it up. Didn't work. I rolled around on the ground. Didn't work either. That's when the sneezing started. I'm not talking a few sneezes either. I mean crazy sneezing. Y'know, the kind that freaks out your human.

My human was extra freaked out about the sneezing because she thought I inhaled one of those evil foxtail things. I guess she saw one stuck to my face and thought it went up my snout. From the video footage:

I don't know if it was a fly or a fox or what, but whatever was up my snout wanted OUT. I was sneezing so bad I couldn't walk. We were miles from Mazda and I HATE being carried.

ME: can't you fix this??
HUMAN: I don't think so.
ME: can't you ask Google or something?
HUMAN: good idea.

My human didn't have enough bars or whatever on Droid to get help from Google so she did the next best thing and called spotted Miley's mom. I couldn't hear what she was saying but my human's half went something like:

HUMAN: I don't have anything to flush it out with.
MILEY'S MOM: (stuff I couldn't hear)
HUMAN: no, they drink out of the cow troughs.
MILEY'S MOM: (stuff I couldn't hear) 
HUMAN: uhhhh, I guess I could use spit?

And that's when my human held me down and tried to spit up my snout. That's right. Her spit. My snout. I swear she was trying to kill me.

HUMAN: hold still!
ME: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!
HUMAN: we need to lubricate your nose.
ME: (sneeze sneeze sneeze)

I was sneezing too bad to argue but I was *not* happy about any of this. If I was the kind of dog that bites people in the face, it would have been the perfect time to bite her face off. I might not be a biter, but I do eat poo. And to spit up my snout, your lips need to be reeeeallly close to my mouth.

Remember this picture from the other day?

yummy cowpie!

It was taken a few minutes before my human spit up my snout. I guess I can't be too mad at her for doing it because whatever was stuck in me came out. But if she pulls anything like that again, I'm going to make sure my face is covered in fresh cowpie first.

BEES + FLIES

Before I tell you why I'm covered in flies, my human says I have to apologize to all the humans out there for yesterday's "icky" meat picture. I don't know what's so bad about meat. Meat is beautiful! But I'm not the one with the thumbs so I'm sorry if any of the other thumbs out there think bloody meat is icky.

There. I said it.

Now about the flies.

They were supposed to be a reenactment of a bee attack. Don't ask me. It was my human's idea. The real attack happened when Dutch peed too close to a bee hive. Not on it or anything, just close enough to reeeeallly pee-off the bees. So they attacked him. And when my human tried to save Dutch from the bees, they attacked her too. I didn't get attacked at all because bees know better than to mess with me.

It was pretty funny to watch my human run around whacking herself in the butt. But by the time it was all over, Dutch was so covered in bee bites he couldn't tell which foot to limp on. My human thought we should warn everybody how dangerous it is to pee near bees, but was too busy getting attacked to take any pictures. That's where the whole reenactment thing came from.

I've never been covered in flies before but it didn't seem like a big deal. I figured there might be a cookie at at the end of it too. So I agreed to let flies land all over me so my human could take today's picture. She promised I wouldn't get bitten. She promised I wouldn't get hurt.

She was wrong.

I'll tell you about that tomorrow.

WILD GAME NIGHT

meat coma

My human hardly never knows what day it is but the 3 day weekend has her all sorts of screwed up. And I don't usually take advantage of her gimpiness... ok, sometimes I do. Whatever. But there was wild meat in the freezer and I didn't want to wait for it.

ME: we're still having Wild Game Night tonight, right?
HUMAN: it's not Wednesday. Is it?
ME: uh, yeah.
HUMAN: oh. Then I guess we are.

In case you missed it, Google helped me guilt my human into eating wild animals. It's supposed to make her feel better. Kinda like the liver, but less gross.

The store had all sorts of wild meats, but my human was kinda freaked out about eating something you only ever see on Animal Planet. So instead of coming home with something really cool, like camel or kangaroo, she got elk. I guess she met a bunch of elks back in some place called Colorado. They used to come down from the mountains in winter and scare the horses or something.

No idea.

But back to the meat. In case you never get to eat wild meat, it's not much different than regular meat. Elk looks a whole lot like cow, if you ask me. I was too busy swallowing to taste anything but I'm pretty sure it tasted like cow too.

My human didn't think you'd want to see the elk. I thought it'd be pretty lame to tell you all about Wild Game Wednesday and not show you a picture.

ME: you have to show the meat!

HUMAN: (silent)
ME: people want to see meat!
HUMAN: nobody wants to see a bunch of bloody meat.
ME: hello! people aren't the only ones reading this blog.

wild meat!

Of course I was right. I mean, just because I don't have thumbs doesn't mean I'm not a genius. Or at least more genius than a human with a gimpy brain.

MAKING THINGS BETTER

Cow pudding!

So you've probably noticed I keep disappearing. It's because of the human. And her maybe-lupus-or-whatever-it-is thing.

It's really weird. She'll be fine for a few days and things seem almost kinda normal. We go places. Do things. She stares at other pugs on HAL4. I get bored watching her and nap. Everybody is happy. And just when I think life is going to be normal again... BAM! She falls and can't get up.

OK, maybe she doesn't actually fall down. Like on the ground. But she might as well.

The supersucky part about my human going down is she takes her thumbs with her. Without thumbs, nothing gets done. We go nowhere. Do nothing. Nobody is happy. It's really annoying.

Lucky for us, my human feels guilty about ruining my life and has agreed to make things better until things get... uhm... better. The plan is to write a bunch of DPs at the beginning of each week before she has a chance to fall down. That way I can go back to being a real live Daily again - with or without thumb cooperation.

The cool thing about all this is I'll be able see into the future. Like one of those weather people, except I will always be right. For tomorrow, I see wild game. At least I think I do (it's still in the freezer).

Thursday: bees + flies

Friday: my human tries to kill me


On Monday Dutch takes over. He gets the blog, I get the liver. Be prepared for lots of pink...

See you in the AM!


PS: Liver Monday is still in effect! My human put Dutch in charge of naming the livers from now on because he's not allowed to eat them. Such a bad idea. Zero guesses what liver #4's name is/was. 

Me + Justin

Oh. And my human is either getting way better at not ruining stuff on the stove or she's starting to like liver. I barely got any compared to last week! Dutch says a little liver is better than no liver at all, but I like liver better when it's a lot.

CAMEL OR KANGAROO?

 

Remember the days when I used to do stuff? Y'know, fun stuff. Like going to the grocery store to see the meat. 

Those days sure were awesome. 

So last night I tried to guilt my human into taking me somewhere fun to do something awesome. If you've ever tried to guilt a human into doing something you know it doesn't always 100% work, but I figured half-working is better than sitting around and being bored doing nothing.

ME: Remember the time you took me to the grocery store to see where meat comes from?

HUMAN: No.

ME: Seriously? 

HUMAN: Seriously. Dogs aren't allowed in grocery stores. 

ME: But I rode in a cart! There are pictures.

Arrgh. Sometimes it reeaaally sucks to have a human with a broken brain. But sometimes...

ME: So what are we eating for game night?

HUMAN: huh?

ME: Like Liver Monday but with wild meat and on Wednesday. You promised!

HUMAN: I did?

ME: You totally did.

Goodbye operation guilt. Hello gimpy brain! 

Lucky for me, we live like two minutes away from a place that sells everything from boar to venison.  Unlucky for me, dogs aren't allowed inside and my human couldn't decide which kind of wild to buy and came back with no meat at all.

My human is still getting over eating liver and wants to stuck with something kinda normal. I think we should go big and eat something totally *not* normal. I mean, the whole point is to be wild. Right?

I vote for something like this:

Or maybe this:

Dutch doesn't care what meat we get as long as Dalmatians can eat it. If you had to pick something wild to eat what would it be? And no, berries do not count.

MOVE OVER LIVER!

Since my human survived Fred (liver #2) I suggested we eat liver once a week. Y'know, because liver is a superfood. Well. I have no freaking idea how I did it but she agreed to Liver Mondays. Dutch can't eat liver any day of the week so last night I helped my human finish liver #3. I named her Lucy.

Yummmmm.

As yummo as livers are, I'm 100% sure if they don't make my human do backflips or something, Liver Mondays aren't going to last very long. So I've started thinking about Plan B. Google came back at me with this list of the 11 healthiest foods in the world:

Fish
Kelp
Mushrooms
Coconut
Watercress
Berries
Wild Rice
Wild Game
Maple Syrup
Honey
Nuts

Ugh. Whoever came up with that list obviously wasn't thinking about me when they made it. They also have no idea how to make my freak of a human healthier because she already eats most of that stuff. No joke. Right now the only things on that list *not* already in our house are watercress and wild game.

I have no idea what watercress is, but it didn't make my human Ewwww so I'm guessing it's some kind of vegetable. Google filled me in on the Wild Game.... turns out it's some sort of code for MEAT! I figured my human wouldn't have a clue about secret meat codes and tried to trick her into agreeing to another super-meat night.

ME: can we have game night?
HUMAN: you mean like monopoly?
ME: uhhhh, sure. Or maybe buffalo?
HUMAN: buffalo?

She didn't exactly say yes to Wild Game, but she did say yes to monopoly. Not sure if that's a good thing. Or not.

BROMANTIC

Do I look not-hot to you?

Hello Internet! It's me, Frank. Pug's blonde lady said I could tell you some things about our weekend. Dutch said I should tell you about my bromance but I don't know what that means so I'm going to tell you about hiking instead.

We hiked. It was hot and I wanted to die. Pug and Dutch didn't think it was hot at all but they were wrong. I don't like nature but lying on the dirty ground is better than hiking. Anything is better than hiking. Humping is *much* better than hiking.

FRANK'S HUMP TIP: Humping when you're hot just makes you hotter! Try holding paws instead. Not as much fun as humping but better than panting to death.

Humping and hiking and paw holding all day long makes you very tired. Even Pug was tired. We were both too tired to fight over the ottoman so we shared.

The end.

Bye!

Frank

AAA-DMV-SFMTA-CHP

ME: Where have you been??
MY HUMAN: Acronym hell.
ME: Well, Frank's been humping me for like 7 hours straight.
MY HUMAN: Do you feel like stabbing your eyes out with a freaking ice pick?
ME: Uhhhh.... I don't think so.

I could tell by the way she said freaking ice pick this was one of those times when you're supposed to shut your mouth and not ask questions. Frank didn't get the hint.

FRANK: What's an acronym?
MY HUMAN: AAA! DMV!! SFMTA!!! CHP!!!!!
ME: Are those HBO words?
MY HUMAN: YES!!

No idea what my human's problem is. But just in case she's serious about the ice pick thing, I'm not going to ask. And if you ever hear your human talk about acronyms? Might want to keep your eyes open and mouth shut.

BYE BYE BACON BACON

I know Dutch told you all about how almost-death experiences make you notice more stuff. Life's little fabulous things, he calls them. Sure. Whatever. What he didn't tell you - in case you forgot - is I almost died once too. Twice if you count the time I could have almost died trying to fetch a tennis ball in the middle of a lake.

So yeah. I notice stuff too.

Well, it doesn't take a near death experience to make you notice a giant picture of BACON on the front of a newspaper. Especially when the words BACON BACON are staring at you in big fat black letters. No. Stuff like that is impossible to miss.

Unless you are my human. Then you walk right by the newspaper and the picture of the BACON and the words BACON BACON and then get totally grumpy when your starving bacon-loving pug stops to take a look.

Luckily someone (me) is paying attention because the newspaper was trying to tell us (me) that the Bacon Bacon cafe is being forced to close. I guess someone in their neighborhood hates the smell of bacon and complained or something and when the Bacon Bacon people tried to put filters in to make the smell go away the city wouldn't give them permits or whatever. So now Bacon Bacon is going bye bye.

Tomorrow!!!

My human said no when I asked if we could go say goodbye to Bacon Bacon. She obviously doesn't  realize this a bacon emergency because when I asked a second, third and fourth time she still said no. I will keep asking until she says yes just to shut me up - or until Bacon Bacon closes its doors. Whichever comes first.

Paws crossed for Bacon Bacon!!!

 

DOG SLIM

 

Always the poster dog. So unfair!

So, we all know Dutch is the skinny one and I'm... well... the pug. And most of the time being the pug is a totally awesome thing -- except when it comes to food and the dreaded scale.

FACT: when you're a pug, scales are not your friend.

Lately being the pug has reeeally sucked because a certain spotted someone lost a bunch of weight after his surgery and we've been visiting the scale more than usual. This certain spotted someone has also been getting to eat a *ton* of extra stuff while the pug starves to death.

FACT: if you're a pug, you are probably starving.

I guess me and the scale have been getting along OK (I'm still in the 25's) but do you know how much better life would be if I got to eat a *ton* of extra stuff without worrying about the next trip to the scale? Well, on yesterday's trip to hell / the scale, I saw this:

At least it's not a pug.

Ok, so maybe that dog on the box doesn't exactly look happy. But I figure if DogSlim is some sort of diet food, you can probably eat a *ton*of it and still get along with the scale. Kind of genius, right?


ME: can we get some DogSlim?
HUMAN: DogSlim?
ME: says it's a "natural low-calorie, high-fiber treat with added vitamins and minerals to help promote good health and proper weight".
HUMAN: so is a carrot.
ME: but I already eat carrots.
HUMAN: exactly.

SO freaking unfair.

GEORGE AND FRED

where's the liver?

Ready to talk livers?

Ok. So I just found out livers come from baby cows just like the ones who make those tasty pies I like to eat during our hikes. Not sure how that works but since the cows were nice enough to give us their livers, I think we should name them.

Let's call liver #1 George.

GEORGE
Liver attempt #1 did not go well for George or my human. I'm not sure if she screwed up or what (she probably did) but let's just say there were loads of eeeews and grosses and I ended up with a belly full of George. Mmmmmm.

Bad for my human. Awesome for me.

I figured that was the end of the liver, but I guess my human is so sick of feeling like poo she'll do pretty much anything that could make her feel better. Even things that make her go eeewww.

Meet liver #2.

FRED
Things with Fred went much better. There was coconut oil, a whole bunch of lemons and way less eeew-ing. My human learned if you cook the bejesus out of a liver it looks, feels and tastes exactly like this stuff:

Um. I've never had tofu before but I'm pretty sure it doesn't do this when you cut it:

Bleeds like Fred. Tastes like tofu.

Mmmmmm. How can you *not* love something that oozes bloody juice? Anyway. My human loves onions but they don't love her so she hid half of Fred in a bowl of her usual rabbit food and gave the rest to ME. She said liver is "not so bad" if you drown it in lemon juice, balsamic vinegar and mangoes

Not so bad?? Are you freaking kidding me?! Liver is the BEST thing in the world I've ever eaten. Except for bacon. And maybe one or two really spectacular poos. And maybe some other things I can't think of right now because right now all I can think about is how good Fred tasted and when I'll get to meet liver #3.

The *best* thing about liver is Dutch isn't allowed to eat it. Uh huh. Something about it being too high in something that's really bad for Dalmatians. No joke. Spotted Miley's mom said so and she knows more about Dalmatian stuff than Google. You know what not having to share with Dutch means?

More liver for the pug!!

FABULOUS LITTLE THINGS

I probably don't need to tell you this is *not* my idea. If I had thumbs we'd be talking about liver.

Arrgh!

Ok. Here's Dutch...

Hello everybody! I know Pug has told you our life is soooo boring. He has probably told you this is all or some of my fault. We haven't gone on a singe hike since my surgery. We haven't eaten anything new, gone anywhere fun or done anything exciting because I've been getting better.

Some of this is true.

What Pug hasn't told you is we've been exploring our own neighborhood a little each day. At least I have. He's just been trying to pee on stuff. This is not easy to explain, but I never noticed how much there is to notice. So many fabulous little things!

I am here.

Google says this kind of thing can happen after an almost-death experience like mine. I asked our human if I can show you some of the things I've noticed. She thinks it would be cool for me to get a whole entire day to myself each week. Of course Pug thinks this is a terrible idea but my human says if it's OK with you, she'll make him let me do it.

What do you think??

TIARA vs. LIVER

So, remember that list of things I told you about? The one with you on it? Yeah. That one. Well I guess my human wants to feel better NOW and decided the list needs to be longer. I suggested we ask Google for ideas.

Of course Google had TONS of ideas. Most were things she already does. Stuff like eat green leafy vegetables. Go for a walk. Sleep. Others were kinda weird. Cover yourself in temporary tattoos and glitter? Wear a tiara?

Not helpful, Google.

We were about to give up on making the feel-better list longer. Until I read about one of the world's healthiest eatables.

HUMAN: I am NOT eating a liver.
ME: But it's a superfood. It's supposed to make you feel awesome.
HUMAN: Kale is a superfood.
ME: You already eat that and still feel like poo.
HUMAN: Blueberries?
ME: Ditto.

We went back and forth like that for awhile. Turns out the only superfood my human doesn't already eat is liver. Unless you count bacon, the super-est food of all.

I guess my human must be reeeeally sick of feeling like poo because this morning she bought a liver. A real live liver. It's in the fridge right now. Soaking in milk:

liver + milk = pink!?

Don't ask me about the milk. It was Google's idea. Something about making the liver taste less gross?? No clue. But I guess cutting it into chunks, freezing it, and swallowing whole is plan B.

Seriously?

Chef Annie (and anyone else with cooking powers): I'm sure my human would LOVE to know how to turn liver into a tasty eatable, but please shhhhhh! Me & Dutch will get to eat it if my human can't get it down.

Paws crossed for grossness!

SQUASH

I think my human has finally lost whatever brain she has left. It happened this morning during our morning pee walk and went something like this:

HUMAN: Awwwww.
ME: Yes?
HUMAN: Not you. The squash. How cute is that!?!
ME: (confused)

I'm pretty sure she was awwwing about a little plant that was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. Things like that make me smile inside, she said. Ummm. Ok. We see plants all the time. I had no idea what the big deal was.

Weirdo.

I really had to pee and just wanted to get to the park. So when my human asked me to pose next to the plant, I didn't ask any questions. That's when I saw the little note stuck inside:

Ok. So maybe that is kinda cute. For a plant anyway. My human really wanted to bring Acorn Squash home with us - until I reminded her our house is where plants come to die and dead plants don't make anyone smile.

THE NEW DUTCH

Who's a sissy?

Hello everybody! Me again. Dutch, I mean. Now I know you all love me no matter what. And I know you know that Pug doesn't always tell the whole 100% truth. About me or anything else. But that doesn't mean it's ok.

Do you remember that thing I said about almost-death being life changing? Well, the New Dutch is stronger and wiser and many other-er things. New Dutch is still a little scared of farts, but not afraid to speak about things deep inside his head and heart.

Today the New Dutch wants everyone to know the truth about being a big spotted sissy.

• It was really really hot the other day.

• Pug was dying too, he just didn't tell you that.

• Just because you want to take a nap on a cool sidewalk on a hot day doesn't make you a sissy.

• If I'm a sissy for getting hot, Pug is a sissy too.

• There's nothing wrong with being a sissy anyway.

• I'd rather be a sissy than a poo eater.

I think that's all.


Peace, love & Justin!

Dutch

SISSY

Ok. So I guess two days of Africa hot isn't really that huge a deal. Unless you live in a place that hardly ever gets hot. Or your name is Dutch.

Seriously. For a white dog with a full snout to pant with, Dutch is a complete wuss when it comes to heat. More than a wuss. A sissy!

Since Dutch isn't supposed to do long hikes (and my human wanted to buy a liver or something) we tried to walk in Africa heat to the Whole Foods on the other side of the hill. I was all excited because Whole Foods has those little packets of peanut butter and anytime my human parks us outside a food place, she always brings us an eatable.

Casa de Puglet to PB: less than a mile

Google says it's only 0.8 miles from our house (A) to peanut butter (B). Even if you do have to climb the biggest hill on earth to get from A and B, it's still not far. Unless it's hot. Your name is Dutch. And you're a sissy.

No joke. We were about halfway to peanut butter when the big spotted sissy decided it was too hot to take another step.... and cockroached in the middle of the sidewalk like he was dying or something.

ME: Dude!
DUTCH: Hot.
ME: Seriously. We're almost there. Get up.
DUTCH: Hottttttttt.

Arrgh! No way was I going to let a spotted sissy get between me and peanut butter. 

ME: Come on. Don't you want to lick some Justin?
DUTCH: Justin?
ME: Yes. Justin.

Justin!

Ok, so maybe Dutch might have thought I meant I was talking about some other Justin. But it got us to Whole Foods. And I got me some peanut butter.

* * *

The doctor sucked more blood out of my human this morning but I don't think they are ever going to decide what's wrong with her or how to fix it. Seems like for good day there are a few bad ones. It's totally lame and reeeeeeally starting to get annoying.

So last night me & Dutch made a list of everything in the world we could think of that might make her feel better. Of course me (and I guess Dutch) were #1 on the list, but for #2 we put being here. Every day. With all of you. 

Life's just better for everyone when that happens. 

Don't you think?

92.8

I don't know what it's like where you are, but right here it's freaking hot. Like Africa hot. Ok, so maybe I've never been to Africa. But I heard someone say that in a movie once and it sounded cool. I mean hot. 

Whatever.

Yesterday's hot hit the 90s. I tried to get my human to take us to the beach but she is lame and Dutch is still semi-broken so I just sat around the yard panting my head off. The vet said Dutch can go back to being "normal" next week. Dutch? Normal? Right. Dr. Fong is an awesome vet, but he obviously doesn't know Dutch very well.

Of course a trip to the vet always means the scale. Even when you're just along for the ride/air conditioning. The scale said Dutch is too skinny and needs to gain like 5lbs. I'm not skinny and don't get to gain anything. Shocker.

25.6

So yeah. You haven't really missed anything because not a whole lot's been happening:

ME: I can't remember the last time I did anything fun.
HUMAN: (silent)
ME: Oh. Wait. I was at Frank's house. Getting humped.
HUMAN: (silent)
ME: Maybe I should go live with Frank.
ME: Forever.
ME: hello?
ME: did you hear what I said?
ME: hey, are you even awake??

I swear my human totally fell asleep in the middle of me complaining. How is that possible? Maybe I should move in with Frank. At least I know he loves me.