NOT-CANCER FACE

Check. Me. Out. See the maybe-cancer scariness on my face? No? Can't see it? Well that's because it's practically totally gone. Uh huh. Gone. Everyone who said it was just a hair zit is a genius. 

Woot!

I guess Dutch has been feeling kinda lonely without his Fridays so I promised to let him tell you why we've been gone and what you've missed (hint: not much). Even though this is *my* blog. Because I'm happy to be c-word free. And I'm just nice like that. 

ALMOST WORDLESS: San Francisco lemonade

PS: my face is getter better!!!

MAYBE GOOD, MAYBE NOT

So, I went to the vet. We had a staring contest and he poked at my face, but only with his fingers. Then he and my human talked for awhile.

VET: blah blah blah something about a hair follicle blah blah something about pugs and lumps
HUMAN: blah blah blah something about pugs and lumps
VET: blah blah blah TUMOR blah blah CANCER blah blah
HUMAN: (silent)
VET: blah blah TUMOR blah blah blah NEEDLE blah blah CANCER
HUMAN: (silent) 

There was some other stuff too, but once I heard the C-word I kinda only listened to the parts about that. 

When the vet was done talking, my human had to pick between letting the him stab me in the face with a needle to look for cancer -or- treating my lump like it's an angry hair follicle for a week, and then stabbing me in the face if it doesn't get better. 

I guess because of all the stuff I didn't really listen to, they decided to go with the follicle. So for the next week I have to take drugs and let my human practically suffocate me with a hot wet towel three times a day. Both of these things are waaaay better than getting stabbed in the face *and* I'm getting loads of sympathy cookies.

Cancer = bad bad bad! Hair follicle = cookies!

PUS FACE

I'm not sure what happened to yesterday. Some human stuff, I guess. I'm kinda starting to think I should have two, maybe even three, humans in case my main human isn't around to lend me some thumbs. If anyone has an extra human they don't need, let me know.

So, can we please talk about my face? Not the cute parts, I mean the thing growing under my nose. It looks waaay worse in 3D - it's about the size of a pea. And growing. 

My human stabbed me in the face a few times trying to pop the pea, but it didn't work. If whatever the heck it is doesn't go away by 4:00 tomorrow, I have to let the vet poke at it. 

I'm sure it's not serious or anything, so don't waste any juju. But I'm still not happy about people trying to pop my face. 

DUTCH FRIDAY: the stray (almost a poem)

It was pink

with a flowery toe.

There was only one 

and it was too small.

xoxo

Dutch

TWERKERS AND ANARCHISTS?

It's a good thing I'm not talking this week because I have no idea what this means.

WEIRDLY WORDLESS

COMPLETELY WORDLESS: me too!

FEET WEEK

Lately my head has been feeling kinda... empty. Dutch said Google says that's what happens when you meditate and it's a good thing. Like a vacation for your brain. Dutch also thinks staring at the wall with your eyes closed is a good idea so I'm not sure I want his advice.

Sorry Dutch (and Google). 

I told my human I think my head might be empty because she doesn't feed me enough to keep it full. This isn't really true, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try. Of course she just laughed.

HUMAN: maybe your head just needs a vacation.

ME: please don't make me stare at the wall.

HUMAN: huh?

ME: nevermind.

I guess Dutch hasn't told her about meditation. But what she said got me thinking. Maybe my head does need vacation. Maybe all the good stuff that's usually in there needs some time to, uhhh, grow back? Kinda like meditation, only in reverse. Minus the weird wall-staring stuff.

So, for the rest of the week I'm going to talk with my feet instead of my head. Don't worry, I'll still have plenty to say. People around here have so much in their heads, stuff kinda overflows onto the sidewalk. Other places too. It's kinda everywhere once you start looking. 

Until I speak again…

:)

DUTCH FRIDAY: love, mediation and aliens

Hello again friends! Pug suggested I stop saying it's Friday because everyone (except maybe our human) already knows what day it is. I don't know if he's right, but in case he is, I think from now I will just say hello. 

If I'm wrong about Pug being right, please let me know so I can tell him.

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't have very exciting things to tell you. I haven't been feeling too fabulous lately and have been trying to rest so the bad feelings will better. For some reason it feels really nice when I lie in sphinx-pose and close my eyes so I've been doing a lot of that.  

Google says what I'm doing is called meditation. The vet said I am perfect and mostly healthy, but still gave me some pills I don't like to swallow. I heard my human say I'm talking to the aliens, but I am not sure what that means and am afraid to ask because aliens sound a little scary. 

Oh! And Pug told he loved me. Of course I've always known this, but it's the first time he's told me so in words and sometimes words are nice to hear. Especially when whoever is saying the nice words isn't just saying them to get some of your food.

Until next Friday… I love you all too!

Deep thoughts + warm toes,

Dutch

xoxo

MY HUMAN IS CRAZY

Sometimes I think my human is crazy. I mean, most humans are. At least sometimes. But I always kinda forget about that part so when her craziness sneaks up on me, it really freaks me out. 

According to Google, there are like a million different kinds of crazy and I should make a list to keep track of my human's symptoms. So yesterday I started making a list. I'm already up to #42.

Reason #42 my human is crazy: she sees things that aren't there. 

Not like dead people or anything. I don't think. More like the thing in today's picture she made me pose with. 

HUMAN: oh Pug, it looks just like you!
PUG: that thing? But I'm not red.
HUMAN: so
PUG: and I'm pretty sure it's a cat.
HUMAN: that's ok
PUG: and, uhm, I think it only has one ear.
HUMAN: no, there are two. One of them is just really small.

See what I mean? Crazy. 

I really wanted to tell her my eyes also aren't all weird and crooked, I don't have that many teeth and my head doesn't have upside triangles on it. But I also wanted a cookie. So I didn't say anything. I just added #42 to my crazy list and tried not to think about what #43 will be.

IT'S CALLED WINTER

Unless you live in San Francisco, it's probably sunny and you're probably hot. Google says it's called summer. Not like I'd know. Around here, summer is not sunny or hot. It's gray. And cold. And I'm pretty sure this is called winter.

Sorry Google.

I don't exactly love the hot or anything because it kinda makes my face melt, but this cold and gray thing makes me want to take a nap until the sun comes back. Y'know, like bears do. In *winter*. I mean, if bears lived here they'd be totally falling asleep right now.

Yaaaaaawn.

Yeah. Sorry. I think it's time for a nap.

ALMOST WORDLESS: of course I love you

PUG: you know I love you, right?
DUTCH: you do?
PUG: of course I do.
DUTCH: are you just trying score some of my cookies?
PUG: maybe. But I still love you.
DUTCH: aww, I love you too Pug.
PUG: so, uh, does that mean I can have half your cookies??

ESCAPE FAIL

So, we went for a walk with Lulu and Ernie again this morning. Lulu rolled in poop and totally freaked out her mom, Ernie found a dog even more giant than himself to play with, I got stuck to a leash because my human is too tired to deal with my poo habit and Dutch didn't do anything because he is perfect. 

Not exactly the most exciting walk ever, but I did talk my human into letting me pose in a chair I found in the parking lot. I have no idea why there was a chair in the parking lot, but chair = posing and posing = cookies. Go chair!

thank you chair!

When it was over, I got crammed in the mini pod with all the giant bodies. Again. Lulu's mom must have read about my escape plan or something because I got busted the second I stuck my head through the bars. Total fail.

Sigh.

Any ideas for a plan B??

DUTCH FRIDAY: it's Friday!

one Dutch + two pugs

Hello! It's Friday and I'm here and I'm happy. Happy because yesterday we went to the spa and finally washed off the escape-from-Pride-weekend camping nightmare. And ever since we got back from spider hell, I've been sleeping in the bed with my human - even on the nights Pug gets sent to the couch for snoring. 

Happy happy happy. 

I'm also happy because I found out I have a power animal: the majestic pegacorn. It's kind of a long story. Can you believe I've been on this earth almost 11 years and only just found out there's another animal living inside of me? It even has wings.

PUG: you have a power animal?

DUTCH: I do!

PUG: seriously?

DUTCH: yes! A mighty pegacorn lives inside of me. It has wings!

PUG: (silence)

I tried explaining to Pug that a pegacorn is half pegasus, half unicorn. First he didn't say anything, then he laughed, then he said neither of those things exist. I said yes they do. He said then show me one. I asked my human for help, she didn't want to get involved. Then Google made the whole thing very confusing.

I'm pretty sure Pug is mostly just jealous because I found my power animal and he didn't. I haven't showed him the picture Lulu's mom made for me (there's a make-me-a-unicorn app!) but I know when he sees it, he'll wish he had a mighty pegacorn inside him too.

Isn't that the most fabulous thing ever??

Butterflies + Rainbows,

Dutch

xoxo

LU'S POD

Sorry today is a lunch-post instead of a breakfast one, but my friend Lulu's mom just got a car and we had to help her break in the new pod. Their car is a little smaller than Mazda and the humans were worried we wouldn't all fit. I didn't see what the problem was. Of course we'd all fit. 

Until...

Ernie. And his mega feet. And his giant puppy body that's so freaking big it makes Dutch small. No joke. 

Of course Ernie is my friend no matter how humungous he gets (I think). And I really do like him. What I *don't* like is being stuck in a pod with three other bodies that are all way bigger than mine. Ugh.

Dutch said the pod felt "cozy". Lulu agreed with Dutch but probably only because she's so in love with him. Ernie was asleep so I have no idea what he thought, but it was probably nothing. He's too busy growing to think.

All I know is I'm the only one of us small enough to maybe-squeeze through the pod barrier, and the next time we get "cozy", I'm totally breaking out to ride up front with the humans.

PS: please don't tell the humans my plan. 

ACCIDENTAL HUMPING

So here's what happened. My human was on the floor stretching her back or fixing her back or whatever she does when she lays on the floor. It happens all the time, no big deal. 

Except this time, it kinda was. 

Because one minute I was chewing on a hoof, next thing you know I'm humping my human's elbow. Yeah.

HUMAN: PUG! WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. 

ME: (i don't know but i can't make it stop!)

HUMAN: PUGGG!

ME: (oh no oh no oh no she's going to kill me!)

Instead of killing me, she just kinda flung me off her arm and gave me a really weird, very unhappy look. If she was a yelling kind of human, she might have yelled at me to death. But no. She just said nothing and stared at me. Looking VERY not happy.

It's been a few days since the accidental humping and my human still has marks on her arm where my dewclaws, uh, grabbed on. She still hasn't yelled or said anything to me, but I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't remember what happened, or if she's just finished being unhappy about it. 

Either way, I'm not asking any questions. 

So. Uh. Have you ever accidentally humped something you're not supposed to hump? 

Confused. 

ALMOST WORDLESS: yoga but?

Uhm. Some questions:

1. Do I a have a yoga but?
2. Do I want a yoga but?

3. What the heck is a yoga but!?!

Confused.

DUTCH MONDAY: because Friday felt like a Saturday

Hello everybody! If you were here on the 4th, sorry I missed you! 

I guess because of the holiday, Friday felt like Saturday and then Saturday felt like Sunday and it wasn't until Sunday wasn't Monday that our human figured out we were on the wrong day. I don't know what she had to give Pug to let me be here, but I'm happy I am :)

Anyhoo. Let's see, what happened last week? Well, I had some nightmares about camping. In one, my water bowl turned into a lake and every time I wanted a drink, I had to go swimming. I suppose that's more strange than scary, but I'm afraid if I tell you about the really scary one you will have nightmares too.

Oh! I also decided my next special food will be a watermelon cheeseburger. Doesn't that sound delicious?? My human got the recipe from Google when she was trying to figure out what to do with watermelon when you don't actually like watermelon (that part is kind of a long story - I'll let Pug complain tell you about late 4th of July cantaloupe).  

Pug says there's no way our human is ever going to cook a real recipe, especially not a watermelon cheeseburger. Apparently she also has a very long list of things cheese should never go near and watermelon is near the top of that list. I reminded him we are talking about someone has never eaten cramit brahooley (aka, creme brûlée) and about a million other things so I don't believe her taste in food can be trusted. 

For once, he didn't argue :)

Until next time…

Smooches and Unicorns,

Dutch
xoxo

SHOE Q

Ok, so I have a question. About shoes. I know, weird. But ever since I stepped into that first pair on the sidewalk, I keep finding more of them. Like, everywhere. Big shoes, little shoes, lady shoes, man shoes - they're all over the place. My human says I'm kind of obsessed and she might not be wrong. 

If I was Dutch, I'd probably think the shoes were following me. Or that they, umm, "belong to people who got sucked up into the sky". No idea, something about a rapture? Guess it's some HBO show he heard about it NPR.

Anyway.

My human thinks the orphan shoes are for homeless people who might need them. This makes more sense than Dutch's stupid stalker/rapture theories, but a lot of the shoes I find have heels and stuff and I don't think anyone would be mean enough to give a homeless person shoes with heels. I still have nightmares about the pair I tried on and not just because they were pink. 

Freaking things are *evil* 

I'm kinda maybe starting to think someone might be leaving the shoes out for me. Y'know, like a shoe fairy or something. Dutch said this proves I'm a narcissist, but whatever. I just can't think of any other reason there'd be so many stray shoes in my neighborhood. 

Can you?
  

CAMPING = AWESOME

Hey everybody, I'm back! Sorry about Dutch and his whining yesterday, but an extra bite of Taco Bell is, umm... yeah... sorry. Anyway. I know the princess already told you about our escape-from-pride camping trip, but here's what it was really like.

We swam in a lake, which is kinda the same as an ocean only warmer, drinkable and you don't get water up your face because there aren't any waves. Awesome!

We also kinda hiked in meadows. I say kinda because my human was under a tree reading most of the time (and wearing flip flops) and Dutch was too afraid to go very far without her because he thought bears might eat us. Whatever. It was still awesome.

At night we got to sleep in a bag in a tent. In case you don't remember, tents are kinda like houses but waaay cooler because you can put them anywhere. Like on top of a mountain right under the stars. There may have been a spider in the tent and maybe angry birds kind of attacked us for sleeping too close to their nest. But still, awesome!

For breakfast, we ate out of bags like wild animals. I thought this was super fun and exciting because we eat out of bowls every freaking day. Seriously, when was the last time you ate out of a bag without getting in trouble? Dutch said it was "gross and dangerous and uncivilized". Duh. Isn't that what wild means?

The only bad thing about camping is we don't do it very much. If I was in charge we'd go camping like every weekend. Probably more. Please don't tell Dutch that though, he'll get an ulcer or something just thinking about the stupid spiders. 

ALMOST WORDLESS: love is love

Late but happy Pride!

WE SURVIVED (BARELY)

Helllllo! It's me again. Pug said I could be here today if I let him have the first bite of Taco Bell on the way home from our trip to hell camping. I had to promise not to talk about the Taco Bell because he wants to do that himself, but I am allowed to tell you about our weekend in hell.

First there was dirt. Everywhere.

Then we climbed a mountain to sleep in a thing that's supposed to be like a house but is NOTHING LIKE A HOUSE. I was a little panicked and a lot unhappy. 

There were bugs. And SPIDERS.  

Then it got dark. Sorry, I don't have a picture of the dark because it was too dark to take one. If you close your eyes, it was like that. Except scarier. Because of the spiders. And other things I'm too afraid to talk about.

In the morning we ate food out of bags like wild animals. Now we are home and I am happy. Whoever invented camping probably never slept in a real bed in a real house with NO spiders in it.

I need another trip to the spa!


Pink hearts + yellow moons,

Dutch
xoxo

DUTCH FRIDAY: slight panic

Hi again! I'm a little anxious right now so I can't completely tell you how amazing our trip to the spa was, or that our hike in the redwoods was soooo Zen.

Sorry. 

Ok.

Breathe. 

I don't know if you've noticed, but humans talk a lot. Even quiet humans like mine. I used to try to understand every word but it was very exhausting so now I mostly just listen for my name, important words about food or love and clues that something bad might happen. 

Bad things like what our human said yesterday:

Blah blah blah so we don't die driving back down the mountain.

So much scary!

ME: what do you think that means?

PUG: uh, that she doesn't want to kill us?

ME: and the mountain part??

PUG: oh, right. Hmmmm. Uh. Ooooooh!

The way he said ooooooh made the words die and mountain feel even scarier and bad. 

ME: ooooooh what? What ooooooh?!?

PUG: dude, it's Pride weekend. 

ME: ???

PUG: you know, camping?

ME: oooooh. Noooooo!

If you've never spent the night in a tent (or NOT in a tent), camping is almost worse than dying on a mountain. It is dirty, there are bugs, you are forced to eat out of baggies. Camping practically *is* dying on a mountain! 

Ugh.

Pug says I'm a princess for feeling this way about the "great outdoors" but I believe the outdoors are much, much greater when you aren't forced to sleep in them. Walking through the trees is zen. Sleeping with them, not so much.

Ok. Breathe. Breathe.

  

My human could have been talking about a movie, right? Or a book? Probably a book. Pug could be wrong. Maybe this year we will stay in the city with the naked people and become one with the rainbows. We could watch the parade!!  

Breathe. Breathe.

I'll let you know next week. If we survive.

Kisses with kisses on top,

Dutch

xoxo

I THOUGHT THERE'D BE CUPCAKES

So. Uhm. My human got me trees. For my birthday. Yeah, I know. That's what I said. 

At first I thought maybe she forgot it was my big day. I mean, it's not like that hasn't happened before and you never know what her gimpy brain is going to do. But when we got to the Redwoods and she said Happy Birthday Pug! I knew she'd really just gotten me trees. 

HUMAN: hey Pug, what's wrong?

ME: I thought there'd be cupcakes.

HUMAN: in the woods?

ME: (silence)

Trees are kinda like baths. They're nice, but don't exactly want them for my birthday. I don't care if they're giant old trees either, you still can't eat them. But my human was excited and Dutch was excited so I tried to pretend I was too. Even though what I reeeally wanted was a cupcake.

After the trees, we dropped Mazda off at the vet and our friend Lulu's mom drove us home. I was hoping we might stop at a cupcake place like we do every freaking year, but it didn't happen. 

The Big Six officially sucked. 

Until we went for our post-dinner walk and my human ran into this place called Mollie Stones. Sometimes she buys our carrots there so I didn't too get excited. I had no idea Mollie also bakes stuff!

Two seconds and one bite later, the Big Six went from being the suckiest birthday ever to, well, this:

Happy birthday to me!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

The Big Six is finally here! And I guess this is such a big deal that the celebrating started yesterday - with a trip to the "spa". Yeah. I know. This is what happens when Dutch gets to pick out gifts. 

He thought it would be relaxing. And I tried to feel relaxed because he was so freaking excited about it, but as much as I like baths, why would anyone want one for their birthday??

I kinda wanted to tell him the dog wash isn't exactly the same thing as a spa, but I had some time to think during my deep conditioning treatment and decided to keep the truth to myself. I'm older and wiser than I was when I was five and know how much Dutch really loves me, even though his way of showing it is kinda weird.

 

When the spa or whatever was over, we took our usual detour to the cookie buffet. The cookies are a little taller than me and Dutch always sticks his snout into them before I can reach them, and by the time I do it's totally too late because my human is already yelling. But this time he didn't. 

Instead, he said happy birthday, I love you, now hurry up and eat before someone sees you.

Happy Birthday to me!!

ALMOST WORDLESS: half a pair

Sometimes there is only one.