EXPOSED: The truth about camping.

Hey everybody, Dutch here. I know Pug just spent the last two days talking about nature and how much fun our weekend in the wild was. And you're all probably sick of hearing about it. But in the interest of fair and balanced blogging, I'd like to tell you about *my* wilderness experience.

It's no secret that I don't like camping. I once faked a limp during a trip to Utah so my human would cut our time in outdoor hell short and return me to civilization. But Pug loves camping for some reason. And because he loves it, he makes the whole thing sound like so much.... fun. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not.

What fresh hell is this??

Take sleeping under the stars, for example. It happened on this camping trip because my human forgot to bring the tent. Yes, the tent. If you've never been camping, a tent is the thing that's supposed to protect you from nature while you sleep. Yeah, we didn't have one of those this time. My human tried to sugarcoat the situation by giving tentlessness a cool name. A "bivouac", she called it. Well she can call it whatever she wants, but I call it sleeping on the ground waiting to be eaten by a bear. Because that's exactly what it is and there is nothing fun about it.

Supermodeling & backpack-free.

Then there's the backpack. Pug hates that I have a backpack and he doesn't. But that's only because he's never actually worn a backpack. While he was prancing around like a supermodel in his cute little stay-cool bandana, I schlepped bottles of water like some sort of pack animal. Being mistaken for a mule is one more reason not to like camping.

Lack of basic amenities is another reason not to like it. Pug thought it was cool to eat out of a ziplock bag, but seriously. Are you kidding me? I like to eat my food from a bowl like a civilized dog. Plastic bags are for poop.

And then there's the dirt. And the bugs. And things that go boo in the night. I don't like any of those things and camping is all about ALL of these things. Maybe if camping was cleaner and bugless, I'd enjoy it more. But it's not. So I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I really do like nature. I just don't think anyone should have to sleep in it for days at a time. Especially without a tent. Or a bowl to eat and drink from. Honestly, the only thing I like about camping is when it's over and I get to go home and sleep in a nice clean bed.