VERY SERIOUS

Ok. I don't normally get all serious on you because life is too short to be serious. At least when you're a pug. But I know there are humans out there too and sometimes human-stuff = serious. So if you're a pug, go take a nap or something and come back tomorrow. If you're a human, keep reading.


So, I saw a bunch of comments on Dutch's bacon post and want to fill everyone in on some stuff. I can't tell you everything there is to know right now because 1) my human might kill me and 2) she has eight million things to do before the trip to the other coast and if I don't give her back the thumbs ASAP, nobody will get on a plane tomorrow.

I know some people aren't 1000% happy about how the Other 999 project is going. Maybe a lot of people even, not sure. Things have been taking too long. Stuff that should have happened hasn't happened yet. All that stuff is totally true. And it all completely sucks. And I guess maybe it doesn't matter to anyone why. But I'm going to tell you anyway.

If you don't feel like reading all my whys, that's cool. Just know that my human is doing everything superhumanly possible to make sure this project turns out awesome where in matters most: in the end. 1000% of her energy has gone into the ONE thing that matters more than everything else: making sure every single pug's 15 minutes with Nikon is as awesome as possible.

So even though the project might not seem all that awesome right now, I swear it is. Will be? Whatever. You just have to trust me. I've seen the freaking pictures. You'll see them soon too.

Top secret pictures of pictures.

My human's in the middle of writing some ginormous project update called the good, the bad & the ugly - so keep eyes open for that. Until then, here are my whys.

WHY #1: my human is human
I'm pretty sure all you other humans know what that means. But just in case you're some kind of super-human freak who's never made a mistake in your whole entire life, being human means not getting everything right. No matter how hard you try or how much you really really really want to.

WHY #2: my human really sucks at math
Y'know, stuff like how many hours there are in a day. Or how many hours it really takes to do all the things a human has to do to visit 14 cities, scout 78 locations, shoot a whole bunch of freaking pugs, look at 102,698 pictures and keep +1000 humans happy. Yeah. My human pretty much got all that math *totally* wrong.

WHY #3: my human is only one human
One human can only do as much as one human can do. No matter how much more she *needs* or *wants* to do.

WHY #4: my human isn't superhuman
When a non-super human tries to be super and goes all day without drinking or peeing because they are too busy shooting pugs, things can go wrong. Important things like kidneys. My human's kidneys went wrong back in Milwaukee and even though she rested and did everything the doctor said, she's still way slower than usual (and supertubey too!).

WHY #5: my human is kinda broken
I might get killed for telling the whole entire internet this, but my human isn't like other humans. I know I kinda make fun of her brain for being gimpy, but I guess broken brains aren't really funny. Especially if you have one in your head.

My human doesn't like to talk about how broken she is, so I didn't really understand her brain's gimpiness until I asked Google about it. Seriously, check this out:

Executive Function is an ability that is most closely associated with the frontal lobes of the brain. The frontal areas of the brain-just behind the forehead area of the skull--are particularly vulnerable when there is trauma to the head. This explains why Executive Function problems are so common in head injury. 

Executive Function includes a number of separate skills such as:

• Self-Evaluation. The ability to take stock of ones strengths, weaknesses, resources, and opportunities. 

• Planning. The ability to set a realistic goal and to create all the necessary steps for attaining it. 

• Initiation. The ability to get started.

• Time-Awareness. The ability to note the passing of time, to stay on schedule, to keep appointments and to meet deadlines. 

• Self-Correction. The ability to evaluate ones performance and to make needed corrections in the midst of a task or project. 

• Problem Solving. The ability to recognize when the actions you are taking are ineffective, to stop, re-evaluate, and to formulate or re-formulate a plan. 

Executive Function also refers to the capacity to reflect on ones situation and life, to evaluate what is working and what is not, to formulate plans of action, and to carry out such plans successfully.

* * *

Uhm, yeah. I don't think humans with gimpy brains should do great big giant projects. At least not without a TON of help from other humans. But it's kinda too late for that. So please hang in there and try not to hate my human too much for trying.

PLAN C?

Don't get too excited about today's picture. I didn't get any pizza (and definitely didn't get any MORE pizza). Dutch still hasn't had his birthday yet though, so I guess maybe someday we could get pizza. Sounds a lot better than a brulee or gruyere or whatever Dutch thinks he wants, if you ask me.

Anyway. I'm sorry about the whole not speaking thing. I couldn't think of a better way to punish my human for kicking me out of bed for making noise. Well, at least not a way that wouldn't get me in even more trouble than I already got in for snoring.

My human is so (whatever) right now, I don't think she even noticed me punishing her back. And I was totally prepared to be silent until she felt guilt or pain or *something* bad, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut when I heard her tell someone on the phone that I might have to stay home. Yes, home. Like, not go with her to the other coast.

ME: what do you mean stay home??
HUMAN: uh, stay home means stay home. With Dutch.
ME: but Dutch is a 0. 0's can stay home. I'm #1. #1's go.
HUMAN: (silence)
ME: is it because I snore? I promise I won't snore.

I'm not 100% sure what the deal is but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with snoring. I guess we were going to fly to NJ then drive to the other places. But now it's all flying and no driving and that means flying straight to Boson - which means I can't hang out at my cousin Sophie's house in NJ when my human is busy with the Other 999 in Boston.

Somehow this stupid new plan is supposed to keep my human from 'imploding', but no freaking way I'm staying home. So far I've convinced her that I can totally hang out in the hotel or car on the short pug shooting days but she said no way can I do that on the long weekend days.

Plan A went like this:

ME: Google says there's a daycare place in Boston that's open all weekend. I can stay there.
HUMAN: aw, Pug. It's in South Boston. That's practically in Guam.
ME: Guam is closer to Boston than San Francisco though, right?
HUMAN: not really.


Plan B didn't really work either:

ME: is, uhm, Kim going with you to the other coast?
HUMAN: (big sigh) yes, Kim will be there.
ME: maybe Kim can watch me?
HUMAN: (much laughing)
ME: please please please??

Ok, I'm not going to get into the whole Kim thing right now because I only have until Wednesday to come up with a Plan C. Let's just say after an hour of please please please-ing, my human finally spilled the beans on Kim. Uhm, yeah. Lets just say Kim is totally not going to help me.

More on that later...

Must find Plan C!

WHAT'S BIGGER THAN BACON?

I'm sorry, but Pug isn't speaking to anyone right now. He's upset because my human really needed to sleep and kicked us out of bed for snoring. Pug was snoring, WE both got kicked out of bed and HE isn't speaking to anyone?


That's so Pug.

I still have not celebrated my Big 09. But that's okay. I'm in no hurry to be older. I am also still deciding how I want to celebrate myself. Pug says we should eat food and for once, he is right. He also says we should eat bacon but I think the Big 09 is bigger than bacon. What's bigger than bacon? I am not sure.

There was a Creme Brûlée truck parked around the corner from our house today and I got to smell brûlée on our afternoon walk. I dont know what brulee is, but it smells fabulous. Perhaps brûlée is bigger than bacon?

On our morning walk we passed a place that makes French things and I got to smell the fresh croissants. I believe they were made of ham and cheese. Gruyere cheese. I think fresh ham and gruyere cheese croissants could be bigger than bacon.

Our human is very busy doing a million Other 999 things so it might be awhile before I get to celebrate me. If you can think of anything bigger than bacon, please let me know.

NOT SO HAPPY

So, Dutch's birthday hasn't happened yet. Yesterday my human got some sort of headache that makes you puke and by the time that was over, the day was over too. Don't worry, I camped out on the bathroom floor to make sure she didn't puke herself to death. Besides, having a pug around always makes humans feel better. Right?

Right.

THE BIG 9

BABY DUTCH

So, it's Dutch's birthday on Monday. And I want to make sure Miss Gimpy 1) doesn't forget and 2) doesn't do something totally lame to celebrate it. Because even though Dutch can be a total jerk sometimes, I still love him. Besides, I'm sure he'll have to share whatever he gets with me so I want it to be good.

Last year my human wanted to celebrate Dutch's big day with a trip to the vet to get "senior bloodwork". Yeah. A trip to the vet. I definitely don't want to share a present like that! Luckily I talked her into waiting until after his big day. But still. Clearly my human cannot be trusted when it comes to birthdays.

I figure Dutch's big day has to involve:

1. food

2. freaking pink

3....

Uhm, I guess those are the big ones. Bacon is pink. Maybe we could just eat lots of bacon? Or corn dogs. They are pink on the inside. Sounds like a totally perfect birthday to me, but Miss Let's-celebrate-with-bloodwork says Dutch has more "refined tastes" than I do. 

Uhhh, anyone here know what's tastier than bacon and corn dogs??

TROUBLE WITH THE MAIL HOLE

So, yesterday was wordless because a certain gimpy-brained someone hit SAVE instead of PUBLISH and I guess if you get that wrong, the rest of the world can't see what you have to say. I wish Dutch hit SAVE  when he hijacked my freaking blog the other day. But we're not going to talk about that. Like, ever.

Anyway.

Today won't be all that wordy because I'm in trouble for accidentally eating a package that came through the mail hole. I swear I was just trying to protect my human. I mean, what if a bomb or something was in there? Or something eatable that needed taste-testing? Y'know, for safety or whatever.

I tried explaining this to my human but she didn't buy it. She didn't yell or want to kill me or anything, but she's definitely not 100% in love with me right now. Hate when that happens.

PRETTY IN PINK

BUSTED

An anonymous someone sent me this picture many months ago. I've been saving it for a time when the world might need something to laugh at. There were a lot of humans crying on the radio today so I thought perhaps that time is now.

Love,

Dutch

WORSE THAN EATING POO

We didn't do anything fun all weekend so my human could rest/relax/unstress/whatever. And I think it was kinda working... until I did something last night that made her really really really mad. Like, REALLY mad.

If you've never met my human, she's kinda quiet and calm and usually pretty nice. Sort of like a plant. If she yells it means she's really not happy. Last night, she yelled. At me. For, uhm, peeing on the bed.

Her bed.

I know, I know. I'm not supposed to pee on beds. Or anywhere else in the house. I totally *know* this. And I guess that's why my human wanted to kill me for doing it.

HUMAN: Puuuuuuuuuuuug! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
ME: (peeing on bed)
HUMAN: Puuuuuuuuuuug! OUT! OUT! OOOOUUUUUT!
ME: (running out the dog door to escape death)

I've never seen my human so mad and it was pretty freaking scary. So scary that I didn't want to come back inside. So I didn't. If my human hadn't come outside to get me, I'd probably still be sitting on the deck. Ok, maybe I would have come inside this morning to eat breakfast. But you know what I mean. It was that scary.

Anyway. I guess ripping the bed apart calmed my human down because was back to her normal plant-self when she came outside looking for me.

HUMAN: Pug? What are you doing out here?
ME: (ears back, silent)
HUMAN: You peed on my bed.
ME: (slow motion full body I-didn't-men-to tail wag)
HUMAN: Peed. On. The. Bed.
ME: I don't know what happened. It smelled like Frank. I couldn't help it.

I wasn't lying, I swear. Frank totally peed on the bed before I did. And even though I didn't really need to pee, it just kinda came out when I smelled Frank pee. I tried to explain it, but humans totally don't understand pee.

I don't think my human believed me at all. Until this morning when she caught Frank peeing on our dog bed and realized there was A LOT of pee on her bed last night. Like way too much pee to come out of just me.

ME: I told you. Frank peed first.
HUMAN: If Frank jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
ME: Why would Frank jump off a bridge?
HUMAN: Nevermind. Don't pee where you shouldn't pee. No matter what Frank or anyone else does.
ME: Ok.

JUJU TO THR RESCUE

Big fat thank you for all the awesome juju! I'm not sure it fixed whatever's wrong with my human, but it did make her superwarm and fuzzy. A little leaky too, but don't tell anyone I told you that.

Anyway. Today the doctor filled her full of water and sucked out some more blood. I don't think they have a clue what's broken, but nobody's said anything about Lupus. Pretty sure that's a good sign.

I'm totally sure my human will be fine, but not so sure about Frank. Today we went for the shortest walk on earth and he totally broke. Like half a block from our house, broken. I don't think there's anything wrong with him or anything, he's just too tubey.

If juju can fix fat, maybe send some Frank's way? I really hate it when my friends break.

PINK + FREAKY

PINK + FREAKY

So, I was going to tell you about the freaky thing that happened to the sky last night. Except it was so ridiculously freaky, I can't really explain it. You should probably just look at the picture.

Besides, today I need to ask for a little juju. For my human.

I don't exactly know what's going on, but it's not like C-word serious or anything. She's just been kinda not-ok for awhile and isn't really getting any better. I heard her talking about kidneys so I'm thinking maybe her kidneys are still mad. Or mad again. Or whatever.

When I snooped around Droid for more clues, I found this picture:

I'm pretty sure it's my human's blood because me & Dutch haven't been to the vet and I don't know who else's blood it could be. Unless it's Kim's. But do imaginary/invisible/ghost people even have blood??

Anyway. Since I snooped, I can't exactly ask my human what's going on. But I figure any time they suck blood out of you it's probably not a good thing. So if you have any extra juju lying around, send some our way. I'm kinda thinking the thumbs might need it.

THANKS TO FRANK...

This Wednesday is wordless. Because it's really freaking hard to think when someone's humping you 24/7.

DAY 4

Of course my human forgot all about my Baconator yesterday. I don't know why, but tripping over things sometimes makes my human remember stuff so first thing this morning I parked myself in front of the refrigerator and waited for her to trip over me. Frank is staying with us this week so he parked too.

The rest went something like this:

HUMAN: PUG! What the!?! What are you doing lying there?? I almost broke my leg.
ME: (innocent silence)
FRANK: we want Wendy.

Even though my human got super mad at us for lying where we shouldn't and almost breaking her leg, the plan worked. At least until my human took the Baconator out of Wendy's bag and it was hard as a rock. Of course I didn't care. I eat rocks all the time and none of them have bacon on them.

But humans can be totally weird about this kind of stuff. So the big question was: when is it too late to eat your Baconator? I said never. Dutch and Frank agreed. Google had about a million different answers. Some of Google's answers said Day 4 is still OK, so I finally talked my human into a yes.

Well, sort of a yes. She said one bite of a bad Baconator probably wouldn't kill me, so I was allowed to have ONE bite. Of course I tried to make it the biggest bite ever and almost choked to death. Then I made the mistake of going in for bite #2 when my human was taking this picture. Big mistake.

HUGE.

The bread part got stuck to the top of my mouth and the good parts fell on the floor. Yeah. Bacon. Meat. Cheese. White stuff. On the freaking floor. Dutch sucked up most of it before I could get the bread unstuck. Frank got a few crumbs. I got in trouble for not obeying the ONE bite rule.

I'm not sure how much trouble I'm in. Or if my human will ever buy me another Baconator. But I think it'd be pretty sucky of her to make my one and only Baconator experience be a bad, 4 day old one. I seriously think this deserves a re-do.

ARRGH

Day 3. There are no words.

PS: anyone know how much "later" = too late to eat a Baconator?

NOT BETTER LATER!

So, I'm pretty sure my human bought a Baconator from Wendy yesterday. And I'm 100% sure if she bought a Baconator, it was for me. Or at least me and Dutch. But neither one of us has eaten anything but dog food and carrots. Ok, and maybe some poo. But definitely no bacon.

This morning I saw the bag Wendy gave us just sitting there in the refrigerator. My human said something about waiting until we got home so she could take pictures with Nikon. But that was yesterday. And now it's TODAY. And I still haven't gotten to eat my Baconator.

What if my human's gimpy brain forgot about the bag Wendy gave us? Or what if she thinks "BETTER LATER" is like instructions or something? I mean, we never eat fast food but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be called fast if you're supposed to wait until the next freaking day to eat it.

Right??

WENDY

I know I don't usually have anything to say on Saturdays, but the last two days here at Casa de Puglet were so sucky, I just didn't have anything to to say.

On Thursday my human went to this place called UC Davis and left me and Dutch home alone all day. I got my boy parts removed at UC Davis, but I don't think that's what she was doing there. All I know is that when she got home, she was really tired and smelled funny.

Yesterday HAL4 had some sort of freakout, which means my human had some sort of freakout. And you know what human freakouts mean: NO THUMBS for me! To make things worse, two of her fingers got totally mangled in the Kim attack so only 8 of them work. Now it takes her ten-times longer than forever to get anything done.

My human must feel superbad about everything though because today we got to leave the house and hike with the cows. I chased mom cows, ate baby cow pies and cooled off in the trough (aka the Broken Frank Tank). And get this. On the way home from the cows... we went to Wendy's.

Yes. That's right. WENDY'S.

WENDY

If you don't know Wendy, she's the lady who makes Baconators. In person she doesn't really look like the Wendy on the sign. But people always say I look bigger in person than on the internet, so whatever. As long as she can make me a Baconator, I don't care what Wendy looks like.