Sorry if I was kinda whiny yesterday. I know life can't be fun all the time, but being bored all the time is getting pretty freaking boring. I mean, even Frank is having more fun than me.
I used to be the fun one. Frank was just cute. But who is that flying through the air in today's picture? Frank. And what was I doing when he was flying? Falling asleep at Home Depot.
And when I asked Frank what it felt like to fly, all he said was WOOOO HOOOO!
So, HAL4 has been in a coma. We thought this might finally be the Big Sleep but everything turned out to be fix-able. I guess computers can have near death experiences too. I'm not 100% convinced HAL4 will live to see his next birthday (and neither is my human) but I'm just happy to be here. Now. Today.
You'd think I'd have all sorts of stuff to talk about after a week of being gone, but life is still pretty very boring around here so you haven't missed much. Last week I ate a bunch of sticks and puked all over Mazda. That was exciting.
Does not blend.
The other day we went to the library. While my human was inside getting her books, me and Dutch sat outside and watched people read. That was realllly exciting.
Yesterday I fell asleep in Home Depot. I know it looks like I"m Jimmying, but I wasn't. I was asleep. Like, snoring asleep. Told you. Boring. But it's good to be back. Sorry if you're bored now too.
I think that's all.
Oh. Right.
Before I go, this is Dutch's Wordy Wednesday:
I tried to tell him Wordy Wednesday is about WORDS but he said it's not Wednesday anymore so hearts are just fine. Uhm. Yeah. Of course they are.
So I guess my human felt bad about feeding me a sympathy banana and decided to bring home something actually worth eating. At least that's what I thought when she said she said the magic word.
Then I saw the bag.
ME: it says it's for skinny pets... DUTCH: that's me! ME: in skinny PINK letters? DUTCH: must be for me!
First bananas, now this? Seriously. Not cool, human. Not cool. And I was about to tell her just how not cool she is when Dutch started bragging at me about skinny-ness.
DUTCH: oooooh - even the rice is skinny. ME: huh? DUTCH: and famous! ME: give me that freaking bag.
Dutch was right. Right there on the bag: contains our famous skinny rice. But it also says helps support healthy weight and you know those are just code words for it's ok to eat a lot of them. Even if you're not the skinny one.
Woot!
Sooooo glad I found this out before telling my human how uncool she is. Especially since these turned out to be some of the most eatable treats I've ever tasted in my whole entire life. Like Top 5 best. Ever. Like so good I got in trouble for almost taking off a finger.
Yeah. That good.
The bad news is my human bought these ridiculous treats at some store called TJ Maxx. It's where she buys our poop bags (super cheap!) but it's not a dog store. And they don't always have the same stuff or an internet place to shop in. So I'm not sure if I'll ever see these treats again. Or if you'll be able to see them, ever.
But if you do see Skinny Pet treats, you should absolutely 100% totally buy them. Even if you're not skinny.
I wasn't exactly shocked when my human cancelled tonight's Wild Game, after last week's chicken foot incident and everything. I'm still not happy about it though.
ME: but everybody is dying to know about this week's meat! HUMAN: nobody is dying. ME: you don't know that. HUMAN: go ahead, ask Google.
So I asked Google and I guess nobody is actually dying to know about my meat. That we know of. Yet. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to fight for it. Y'know, just in case Google is wrong.
ME: but if we don't have meat, I won't have anything to talk about. HUMAN: there's more to life than wild meat. ME: you mean like bacon? HUMAN: (silent)
After completely ignoring what I said about bacon, my human suggested we do a Wordless Wednesday. It's not the worst idea she's ever had - except half the entire internet goes wordless on Wednesdays and I suck at keeping my snout shut. So I came up with the idea of doing something *with* words instead. Something like Wordy Wednesday.
Genius, right?
That's what I thought too.
Then I remembered all the words I see walking around our neighborhood. The ones on the ground that make my human smile for no reason. I read them sometimes when there's nothing around to pee on and I guess they are pretty cool.
I miss you too!!
Wordy Wednesday isn't half as cool as wild meat. Or bacon. Or practically any other eatable (except bananas). But it's way waaay better than having to keep your snout shut the whole entire day.
Well, our trip to Planet Best Buy turned out to be waaaaay more boring than a trip to any planet should be. Dutch fell asleep after the first ten minutes of standing around waiting to talk to someone in a blue shirt. I fell asleep about ten minutes later. My human gave up on the whole thing sometime after that and woke us both up to go home. Droidless.
I wasn't sure if *not* getting a new Droid would help my chances of scoring sympathy cookies on the walk home, or hurt them. You'd think no new Droid = more sympathy = definitely cookies, right? Well, that's what I thought too. Until my human parked us here:
I know a lot of you probably like bananas. Maybe even love them. Not me. Because bananas are mushy and slimy and nasty and gross. Unless they're hidden in bacon and peanut butter. My human totally knows this too. But did that stop her from buying me a banana when what I really wanted was a cookie (or five)?
No. It did not.
I guess she tried to make the whole thing less gross by getting me a special "pug-sized" banana. Uhm. Yeah. Just because you call something pug-sized doesn't make it taste good. A gross banana is still a gross banana no matter how little it is.
Unlike me, Dutch is a freak and thinks bananas are the bomb. His words, not mine.He was so in love with yesterday's banana, he tried to eat it while my human was taking his picture. No joke. He took a great big bite of the thing. Icky peel, mushy banana and everything.
Even my human was a little weirded out when Dutch swallowed the nasty peely thing, but he swears the outside is the best part. I'm not sure I believe him but I guess it doesn't get much grosser than what's on the inside.
You can probably tell by how un-grey my face is that today's picture is kinda old. Like 3 years ago kinda old. My human took it the last time we had to buy a phone at Planet Best Buy. I'm still practically a puppy, but I guess 3 years is completely ancient for a Droid. And that's probably why Droid didn't want to wake up yesterday. Or today. And is now totally dead.
Yeah. Dead.
I'm kinda sad about all this, but it does mean we get to take a trip to the Planet. And because Droid was so freaking old, my human gets to pick out a brand new one for free so maybe we'll even stop at the dog store on the walk home to buy some sympathy cookies with some of the money she didn't have to spend.
This is definitely a time for sympathy cookies.
Cookies or no cookies, by the time you read this we'll be on our way to meet a new Droid. Or maybe even something that starts with an i and ends in HBO words. Who knows. As long as (whatever) can take pictures of me looking supercute, it really doesn't matter. Does it?
So, the chicken foot has not come up or out or me yet. My human is a little worried but I think I'm fine. Sofine that I could eat another ten chicken feet. In my sleep. Easy. Especially after asking Google what it means to be a blender.
That's what my human called me. A blender.
It's why I got to eat a bigger chicken foot than Dutch even though he's three times bigger than me. It's also why I'm not worried about swallowing some stupid little foot without chewing - or anything else I can fit in my mouth whole. Because I now know what blenders can do.
Wild Game Night didn't happen yesterday because my human said there was no way she could eat her meat after touching chicken feet. I wasn't exactly happy about having to wait another 12 hours to eat feet, so I woke my human up extra early this morning.
ME: OH NO! I think Mazda is getting a ticket. HUMAN: street cleaning isn't until tomorrow Pug. Let me sleep. ME: but it's also chicken feet time. HUMAN: (silent, grumpy)
This did not make her happy. But at least she was awake. And when it comes to thumbs, sometimes awake is all that matters. But before we could eat, we had to go for our morning walk. I suggested we bring the feet along and eat them at the park. Y'know, just in case they leave a bloody mess on the kitchen floor.
Aw, Pug. That's so nice of you, my human said.
Of course I didn't really care about a mess. I just wanted to eat feet ASAP. So we get to the park. My human takes a bunch of stupid pictures, then hands me a foot. I even get the bigger one because Dutch's stomach is wussy and I'm "a blender". Whatever that means.
OK. If you've never eaten a chicken foot before, it's not exactly easy. I gave it a few chews but nothing happened. A few more chews. Nothing. So I did what any pug with half a brain and an empty stomach would do - and swallowed it.
Whole.
Swallowing a chicken foot whole isn't all that much easier than chewing it, but after a few big gulps it was in finally my belly.
Yes, whole.
HUMAN: did you just swallow that WHOLE ENTIRE THING!? ME: yeah HUMAN: the WHOLE THING?!? ME: yeah HUMAN: WHOLE?!?
I could tell by the way she kept saying WHOLE that I probably shouldn't have swallowed the foot without chewing it first. And I'm pretty sure she will kill me if we end up at the emergency vet 12 hours from now with a whole entire chicken foot stuck in my belly. But for now I'm a pug with a belly full of chicken foot.
I don't think it's fair that Miley got to have fun in Texas when I had to stay home. But I guess she was right about her trip being way more exciting than anything me and Dutch are doing. At least until now.
Because even though my human thought yesterday was Monday, today is Wednesday and you know what Wednesday means.
Wild Game Night!
ME: so, what's on tonight's menu? HUMAN: dimpled oranges and chicken feet. ME: they make wild chickens? And oranges? HUMAN: they sure do.
Normally I'd be mad at my human for trying to sneak a piece of fruit into a night that's supposed to be about meat. But I really like oranges and have never eaten a dimpley one before so I'll let it slide. This time.
I'm not 100% sure the chicken feet are all that wild either. The label says U.S.A but I'm pretty sure chickens in the U.S.A. live on farms. I mean, when's the last time you saw a wild chicken?
Never.
But when your human brings home a package of chicken feet do you care where the feet came from?
Nope.
Will let you know tomorrow how good everything tasted.
I know you were expecting to see that other spotted dog here today. The one who likes the kid with the hair. But please don't call me Dutch. Yeah, I'm black + white and think pink is the best color EVER, but he's a boy (sorta) and I'm Miley.
I got to kick Dutch off the blog today for a buncha reasons. One: me and my mom are the ones who make the comments happen. Two: I just sat in the car for DAYS. Three: what I'm about to tell you is way more exciting than anything Dutch and Pug are doing.
Let me tell you, riding in the car for DAYS is not fun. My mom listened to books but who wants to listen to a bunch of stupid books? I mostly slept and stared out the window into space. Lots and lots and lots of space. Sometimes there were signs. California space. Arizona space. Texas space.
FACT: When you're stuck in a car, space is space.
After two days of car hell we stayed in Arizona at my cousins with the pool. The cousin I like is a hairy basset hound - she's the fun one. The other cousin is a golden retriever. She's not-so-fun but my mom said I wasn't allowed to hate on the golden cousin so I didn't.
Alright, I almost didn't. Same thing.
After Arizona came Texas. If you don't know what Texas is, it's crazy hot and looks like this:
I kept asking my mom why we had to go all the way to Texas when my cousins in Arizona have a pool. She kept saying it's a surprise it's a surprise it's a surprise. Ugh. Who wants a surprise when you can be swimming in a pool?
Duh.
I stayed a little mad about Texas until I found out what the surprise was. Make that who it was. Anyone recognize these guys? Don't worry if you don't. Pugs all look the same to me too.
The pug in blue is Arnie. We go way back. I know him from doing agility in California. He's like a nicer, faster version of Puglet. The pink pug is Suki. She's new to me but sometimes new friends feel just like old ones. You know what I mean?
Suki lives in the Texas place we were visiting and Arnie came down from some other Texas place so we could all hang out while our moms ate brunch and margaritas. After brunch it was dog time at the park. My mom brought crack balls for everyone but I thought Arnie's was mine and tried to steal it back (sorry Arnie). Suki wasn't sure what to do with her crack ball, but she will. Crack balls are like that...
I'm pretty sure my human wasn't lying when she said the flies wouldn't hurt me. She probably just didn't know one of them was going to get stuck in my snout. Because if she *did* know something was going to get stuck in my snout, she probably wouldn't have let it happen in the middle of a field a few miles from the car.
But that's exactly what happened. And it hurt.
If you've never had anything stuck in your snout, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. I tried coughing it up. Didn't work. I rolled around on the ground. Didn't work either. That's when the sneezing started. I'm not talking a few sneezes either. I mean crazy sneezing. Y'know, the kind that freaks out your human.
My human was extra freaked out about the sneezing because she thought I inhaled one of those evil foxtail things. I guess she saw one stuck to my face and thought it went up my snout. From the video footage:
I don't know if it was a fly or a fox or what, but whatever was up my snout wanted OUT. I was sneezing so bad I couldn't walk. We were miles from Mazda and I HATE being carried.
ME: can't you fix this?? HUMAN: I don't think so. ME: can't you ask Google or something? HUMAN: good idea.
My human didn't have enough bars or whatever on Droid to get help from Google so she did the next best thing and called spotted Miley's mom. I couldn't hear what she was saying but my human's half went something like:
HUMAN: I don't have anything to flush it out with. MILEY'S MOM: (stuff I couldn't hear) HUMAN: no, they drink out of the cow troughs. MILEY'S MOM: (stuff I couldn't hear) HUMAN: uhhhh, I guess I could use spit?
And that's when my human held me down and tried to spit up my snout. That's right. Her spit. My snout. I swear she was trying to kill me.
HUMAN: hold still! ME: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?! HUMAN: we need to lubricate your nose. ME: (sneeze sneeze sneeze)
I was sneezing too bad to argue but I was *not* happy about any of this. If I was the kind of dog that bites people in the face, it would have been the perfect time to bite her face off. I might not be a biter, but I do eat poo. And to spit up my snout, your lips need to be reeeeallly close to my mouth.
Remember this picture from the other day?
yummy cowpie!
It was taken a few minutes before my human spit up my snout. I guess I can't be too mad at her for doing it because whatever was stuck in me came out. But if she pulls anything like that again, I'm going to make sure my face is covered in fresh cowpie first.
Before I tell you why I'm covered in flies, my human says I have to apologize to all the humans out there for yesterday's "icky" meat picture. I don't know what's so bad about meat. Meat is beautiful! But I'm not the one with the thumbs so I'm sorry if any of the other thumbs out there think bloody meat is icky.
There. I said it.
Now about the flies.
They were supposed to be a reenactment of a bee attack. Don't ask me. It was my human's idea. The real attack happened when Dutch peed too close to a bee hive. Not on it or anything, just close enough to reeeeallly pee-off the bees. So they attacked him. And when my human tried to save Dutch from the bees, they attacked her too. I didn't get attacked at all because bees know better than to mess with me.
It was pretty funny to watch my human run around whacking herself in the butt. But by the time it was all over, Dutch was so covered in bee bites he couldn't tell which foot to limp on. My human thought we should warn everybody how dangerous it is to pee near bees, but was too busy getting attacked to take any pictures. That's where the whole reenactment thing came from.
I've never been covered in flies before but it didn't seem like a big deal. I figured there might be a cookie at at the end of it too. So I agreed to let flies land all over me so my human could take today's picture. She promised I wouldn't get bitten. She promised I wouldn't get hurt.
My human hardly never knows what day it is but the 3 day weekend has her all sorts of screwed up. And I don't usually take advantage of her gimpiness... ok, sometimes I do. Whatever. But there was wild meat in the freezer and I didn't want to wait for it.
ME: we're still having Wild Game Night tonight, right? HUMAN: it's not Wednesday. Is it? ME: uh, yeah. HUMAN: oh. Then I guess we are.
In case you missed it, Google helped meguilt my human into eating wild animals. It's supposed to make her feel better. Kinda like the liver, but less gross.
The store had all sorts of wild meats, but my human was kinda freaked out about eating something you only ever see on Animal Planet. So instead of coming home with something really cool, like camel or kangaroo, she got elk. I guess she met a bunch of elks back in some place called Colorado. They used to come down from the mountains in winter and scare the horses or something.
No idea.
But back to the meat. In case you never get to eat wild meat, it's not much different than regular meat. Elk looks a whole lot like cow, if you ask me. I was too busy swallowing to taste anything but I'm pretty sure it tasted like cow too.
My human didn't think you'd want to see the elk. I thought it'd be pretty lame to tell you all about Wild Game Wednesday and not show you a picture.
ME: you have to show the meat!
HUMAN: (silent) ME: people want to see meat! HUMAN: nobody wants to see a bunch of bloody meat. ME: hello! people aren't the only ones reading this blog.
wild meat!
Of course I was right. I mean, just because I don't have thumbs doesn't mean I'm not a genius. Or at least more genius than a human with a gimpy brain.
So you've probably noticed I keep disappearing. It's because of the human. And her maybe-lupus-or-whatever-it-is thing.
It's really weird. She'll be fine for a few days and things seem almost kinda normal. We go places. Do things. She stares at other pugs on HAL4. I get bored watching her and nap. Everybody is happy. And just when I think life is going to be normal again... BAM! She falls and can't get up.
OK, maybe she doesn't actually fall down. Like on the ground. But she might as well.
The supersucky part about my human going down is she takes her thumbs with her. Without thumbs, nothing gets done. We go nowhere. Do nothing. Nobody is happy. It's really annoying.
Lucky for us, my human feels guilty about ruining my life and has agreed to make things better until things get... uhm... better. The plan is to write a bunch of DPs at the beginning of each week before she has a chance to fall down. That way I can go back to being a real live Daily again - with or without thumb cooperation.
The cool thing about all this is I'll be able see into the future. Like one of those weather people, except I will always be right. For tomorrow, I see wild game. At least I think I do (it's still in the freezer).
Thursday: bees + flies
Friday: my human tries to kill me
On Monday Dutch takes over. He gets the blog, I get the liver. Be prepared for lots of pink...
See you in the AM!
PS: Liver Monday is still in effect! My human put Dutch in charge of naming the livers from now on because he's not allowed to eat them. Such a bad idea. Zero guesses what liver #4's name is/was.
Me + Justin
Oh. And my human is either getting way better at not ruining stuff on the stove or she's starting to like liver. I barely got any compared to last week! Dutch says a little liver is better than no liver at all, but I like liver better when it's a lot.
Remember the days when I used to do stuff? Y'know, fun stuff. Like going to the grocery store to see the meat.
Those days sure were awesome.
So last night I tried to guilt my human into taking me somewhere fun to do something awesome. If you've ever tried to guilt a human into doing something you know it doesn't always 100% work, but I figured half-working is better than sitting around and being bored doing nothing.
ME: Remember the time you took me to the grocery store to see where meat comes from?
HUMAN: No.
ME: Seriously?
HUMAN: Seriously. Dogs aren't allowed in grocery stores.
ME: But I rode in a cart! There are pictures.
Arrgh. Sometimes it reeaaally sucks to have a human with a broken brain. But sometimes...
ME: So what are we eating for game night?
HUMAN: huh?
ME: Like Liver Monday but with wild meat and on Wednesday. You promised!
HUMAN: I did?
ME: You totally did.
Goodbye operation guilt. Hello gimpy brain!
Lucky for me, we live like two minutes away from a place that sells everything from boar to venison. Unlucky for me, dogs aren't allowed inside and my human couldn't decide which kind of wild to buy and came back with no meat at all.
My human is still getting over eating liver and wants to stuck with something kinda normal. I think we should go big and eat something totally *not* normal. I mean, the whole point is to be wild. Right?
I vote for something like this:
Or maybe this:
Dutch doesn't care what meat we get as long as Dalmatians can eat it. If you had to pick something wild to eat what would it be? And no, berries do not count.
Since my human survived Fred(liver #2) I suggested we eat liver once a week. Y'know, because liver is a superfood. Well. I have no freaking idea how I did it but she agreed to Liver Mondays. Dutch can't eat liver any day of the week so last night I helped my human finish liver #3. I named her Lucy.
Yummmmm.
As yummo as livers are, I'm 100% sure if they don't make my human do backflips or something, Liver Mondays aren't going to last very long. So I've started thinking about Plan B. Google came back at me with this list of the11 healthiest foods in the world:
Fish
Kelp
Mushrooms
Coconut
Watercress
Berries
Wild Rice
Wild Game
Maple Syrup
Honey
Nuts
Ugh. Whoever came up with that list obviously wasn't thinking about me when they made it. They also have no idea how to make my freak of a human healthier because she already eats most of that stuff. No joke. Right now the only things on that list *not* already in our house are watercress and wild game.
I have no idea what watercress is, but it didn't make my human Ewwww so I'm guessing it's some kind of vegetable. Google filled me in on the Wild Game.... turns out it's some sort of code for MEAT! I figured my human wouldn't have a clue about secret meat codes and tried to trick her into agreeing to another super-meat night.
ME: can we have game night? HUMAN: you mean like monopoly? ME: uhhhh, sure. Or maybe buffalo? HUMAN: buffalo?
She didn't exactly say yes to Wild Game, but she did say yes to monopoly. Not sure if that's a good thing. Or not.
Hello Internet! It's me, Frank. Pug's blonde lady said I could tell you some things about our weekend. Dutch said I should tell you about my bromance but I don't know what that means so I'm going to tell you about hiking instead.
We hiked. It was hot and I wanted to die. Pug and Dutch didn't think it was hot at all but they were wrong. I don't like nature but lying on the dirty ground is better than hiking. Anything is better than hiking. Humping is *much* better than hiking.
FRANK'S HUMP TIP: Humping when you're hot just makes you hotter! Try holding paws instead. Not as much fun as humping but better than panting to death.
Humping and hiking and paw holding all day long makes you very tired. Even Pug was tired. We were both too tired to fight over the ottoman so we shared.
ME: Where have you been?? MY HUMAN: Acronym hell. ME: Well, Frank's been humping me for like 7 hours straight. MY HUMAN: Do you feel like stabbing your eyes out with a freaking ice pick? ME: Uhhhh.... I don't think so.
I could tell by the way she said freaking ice pick this was one of those times when you're supposed to shut your mouth and not ask questions. Frank didn't get the hint.
FRANK: What's an acronym? MY HUMAN: AAA! DMV!! SFMTA!!! CHP!!!!! ME: Are those HBO words? MY HUMAN: YES!!
No idea what my human's problem is. But just in case she's serious about the ice pick thing, I'm not going to ask. And if you ever hear your human talk about acronyms? Might want to keep your eyes open and mouth shut.
I know Dutch told you all about how almost-death experiences make you notice more stuff. Life's little fabulous things, he calls them. Sure. Whatever. What he didn't tell you - in case you forgot - is Ialmost died once too. Twice if you count the time I could have almost diedtrying to fetch a tennis ball in the middle of a lake.
So yeah. I notice stuff too.
Well, it doesn't take a near death experience to make you notice a giant picture of BACON on the front of a newspaper. Especially when the words BACON BACON are staring at you in big fat black letters. No. Stuff like that is impossible to miss.
Unless you are my human. Then you walk right by the newspaper and the picture of the BACON and the words BACON BACON and then get totally grumpy when your starving bacon-loving pug stops to take a look.
Luckily someone (me) is paying attention because the newspaper was trying to tell us (me) that the Bacon Bacon cafe is being forced to close. I guess someone in their neighborhood hates the smell of bacon and complained or something and when the Bacon Bacon people tried to put filters in to make the smell go away the city wouldn't give them permits or whatever. So now Bacon Bacon is going bye bye.
Tomorrow!!!
My human said no when I asked if we could go say goodbye to Bacon Bacon. She obviously doesn't realize this a bacon emergency because when I asked a second, third and fourth time she still said no. I will keep asking until she says yes just to shut me up - or until Bacon Bacon closes its doors. Whichever comes first.
So, we all know Dutch is the skinny one and I'm... well... the pug. And most of the time being the pug is a totally awesome thing -- except when it comes to food and the dreaded scale.
FACT: when you're a pug, scales are not your friend.
Lately being the pug has reeeally sucked because a certain spotted someone lost a bunch of weight after his surgery and we've been visiting the scale more than usual. This certain spotted someone has also been getting to eat a *ton* of extra stuff while the pug starves to death.
FACT: if you're a pug, you are probably starving.
I guess me and the scale have been getting along OK (I'm still in the 25's) but do you know how much better life would be if I got to eat a *ton* of extra stuff without worrying about the next trip to the scale? Well, on yesterday's trip to hell / the scale, I saw this:
At least it's not a pug.
Ok, so maybe that dog on the box doesn't exactly look happy. But I figure if DogSlim is some sort of diet food, you can probably eat a *ton*of it and still get along with the scale. Kind of genius, right?
ME: can we get some DogSlim? HUMAN: DogSlim? ME: says it's a "natural low-calorie, high-fiber treat with added vitamins and minerals to help promote good health and proper weight". HUMAN: so is a carrot. ME: but I already eat carrots. HUMAN: exactly.
Ok. So I just found out livers come from baby cows just likethe ones who make those tasty pies I like to eatduring our hikes. Not sure how that works but since the cows were nice enough to give us their livers, I think we should name them.
Let's call liver #1 George.
GEORGE
Liver attempt #1 did not go well for George or my human. I'm not sure if she screwed up or what (she probably did) but let's just say there were loads of eeeews and grosses and I ended up with a belly full of George. Mmmmmm.
Bad for my human. Awesome for me.
I figured that was the end of the liver, but I guess my human is so sick of feeling like poo she'll do pretty much anything that could make her feel better. Even things that make her go eeewww.
Meet liver #2.
FRED
Things with Fred went much better. There was coconut oil, a whole bunch of lemons and way less eeew-ing. My human learned if you cook the bejesus out of a liver it looks, feels and tastes exactly like this stuff:
Um. I've never had tofu before but I'm pretty sure it doesn't do this when you cut it:
Bleeds like Fred. Tastes like tofu.
Mmmmmm. How can you *not* love something that oozes bloody juice? Anyway. My human loves onions but they don't love her so she hid half of Fred in a bowl of her usual rabbit food and gave the rest to ME. She said liver is "not so bad" if you drown it in lemon juice, balsamic vinegar and mangoes
Not so bad?? Are you freaking kidding me?! Liver is the BEST thing in the world I've ever eaten. Except for bacon. And maybe one or two really spectacular poos. And maybe some other things I can't think of right now because right now all I can think about is how good Fred tasted and when I'll get to meet liver #3.
The *best* thing about liver is Dutch isn't allowed to eat it. Uh huh. Something about it being too high in something that's really bad for Dalmatians. No joke. Spotted Miley's mom said so and she knows more about Dalmatian stuff than Google. You know what not having to share with Dutch means?
I probably don't need to tell you this is *not* my idea. If I had thumbs we'd be talking about liver.
Arrgh!
Ok. Here's Dutch...
Hello everybody! I know Pug has told you our life is soooo boring. He has probably told you this is all or some of my fault. We haven't gone on a singe hike since my surgery. We haven't eaten anything new, gone anywhere fun or done anything exciting because I've been getting better.
Some of this is true.
What Pug hasn't told you is we've been exploring our own neighborhood a little each day. At least I have. He's just been trying to pee on stuff. This is not easy to explain, but I never noticed how much there is to notice. So many fabulous little things!
I am here.
Google says this kind of thing can happen after an almost-death experience like mine. I asked our human if I can show you some of the things I've noticed. She thinks it would be cool for me to get a whole entire day to myself each week. Of course Pug thinks this is a terrible idea but my human says if it's OK with you, she'll make him let me do it.
So, remember that list of things I told you about? The one with you on it? Yeah. That one. Well I guess my human wants to feel better NOW and decided the list needs to be longer. I suggested we ask Google for ideas.
Of course Google had TONS of ideas. Most were things she already does. Stuff like eat green leafy vegetables. Go for a walk. Sleep. Others were kinda weird. Cover yourself in temporary tattoos and glitter? Wear a tiara?
Not helpful, Google.
We were about to give up on making the feel-better list longer. Until I read about one of the world's healthiest eatables.
HUMAN: I am NOT eating a liver. ME: But it's a superfood. It's supposed to make you feel awesome. HUMAN: Kale is a superfood. ME: You already eat that and still feel like poo. HUMAN: Blueberries? ME: Ditto.
We went back and forth like that for awhile. Turns out the only superfood my human doesn't already eat is liver. Unless you count bacon, the super-est food of all.
I guess my human must be reeeeally sick of feeling like poo because this morning she bought a liver. A real live liver. It's in the fridge right now. Soaking in milk:
liver + milk = pink!?
Don't ask me about the milk. It was Google's idea. Something about making the liver taste less gross?? No clue. But I guess cutting it into chunks, freezing it, and swallowing whole is plan B.
Seriously?
Chef Annie (and anyone else with cooking powers): I'm sure my human would LOVE to know how to turn liver into a tasty eatable, but please shhhhhh! Me & Dutch will get to eat it if my human can't get it down.
I think my human has finally lost whatever brain she has left. It happened this morning during our morning pee walk and went something like this:
HUMAN: Awwwww. ME: Yes? HUMAN: Not you. The squash. How cute is that!?! ME: (confused)
I'm pretty sure she was awwwing about a little plant that was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. Things like that make me smile inside, she said. Ummm. Ok. We see plants all the time. I had no idea what the big deal was.
Weirdo.
I really had to pee and just wanted to get to the park. So when my human asked me to pose next to the plant, I didn't ask any questions. That's when I saw the little note stuck inside:
Ok. So maybe that is kinda cute. For a plant anyway. My human really wanted to bring Acorn Squash home with us - until I reminded her our house is where plants come to die and dead plants don't make anyone smile.
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