FORGOTTEN

So, I haven't left the house or backyard since Thursday. And my human spent all weekend petting and feeding and Nikon-ing pugs-who-aren't-me. Oh. And there's a little bag of bacon taped to the wall and I'm too short to reach it. Even if I stand on a chair.

That's right. Bacon. Augustus & his mom love me so much they sent my human home with a bag of real, live bacon. My human was afraid she'd forget about it, so she stuck my bacon to the remember wall. It's where she sticks stuff she really needs to remember.

Well. That was FRIDAY. And I'm pretty sure it's Monday or Tuesday now and my bacon is STILL stuck to the freaking remember wall. I pointed this out to my human yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. But when she's shooting pugs, her gimpy brain gets mucho gimpier and even the remember wall doesn't work.

I REALLLY want my freaking bacon. Like now. But if my human can't even remember the remember wall, there's no way she's going to remember my bacon.

So how on earth am I going to get it??

NEW LOW

I don't know if you remember when I supermodeled for a dog food ad, but I totally impressed everyone and got paid a whole bunch for doing it. And I don't mean "paid" like when you get cookies for being good. I mean paid with real human money. The kind you can buy stuff (like bacon) with.

Well. I guess the people thought I was so awesome, they wanted me to supermodel for them again. Except a certain gimpy-brained human thought the email she got asking me to be a model was a dream. A freaking dream! And you know what happens when a human thinks they dreamed something?

Nothing.

The only reason I even know about any of this is because my spotted friend Boka did get to be supermodels and their mom called my human from the photoshoot and told her they really wanted me to be there. I guess the pug whose human didn't think their email was a dream wasn't as awesome as me and didn't make the cut or something.

When my human realized her dream wasn't a dream, did she rush my butt over to the set? Nooooo. She told the photoshoot people we couldn't make it because she's too busy and I can't model with a gimpy foot. Can't model with a gimpy foot? Are you serious? I'm a professional. I can model with a gimpy anything.

Ready for the best part? Boka got paid $200 real human dollars for pretending to chase a squirrel up a tree. Yeah. Like I couldn't do that with a gimpy foot. I don't know how much bacon you can buy with $200, but I'm pretty sure my human owes me  BIG TIME for messing with my modeling career. 

I STILL haven't gotten any sympathy bacon and don't think I'll be at any of the 999 Other Pugs shoots this weekend because my foot is still gimpy. So if you were planning on bringing me some bacon love, please tie it around my human's neck or something so she doesn't think it was a dream or forget about it.

SYMPATHY BACON!

I bounce for bacon.

I'm pretty sure I'm never going to weigh 25lbs (or less) ever again. But my right front leg/foot is still gimpy, so I'm working on a new strategy. Sympathy Bacon!

Here's how it works:

Step One: pathetic = bacon
Gimp around and look pathetic. Extrapathetic when my human is watching - especially if we are in or near the kitchen. Y'know, just in case there's some bacon in there I don't know about.

Step Two: effort = bacon
Make it seem like I'm trying reeeeeally hard to be skinny. Chew, don't inhale. Leave a few crumbs in the bowl. Or maybe just one crumb.

Step Three: bouncing = bacon
Exercise more, or at least pretend to. I'm not allowed to run around or even walk much - but I can still hop around on the stupid bouncing thing my human uses to wake up her brain. It's not hard, but I don't think she knows that.

My human was pretty impressed with the bouncing, but I don't think she noticed the ginormous breakfast crumb I left in my bowl. Looking pathetic got me out of walking to the park this morning, but I still haven't gotten any bacon.

If Pathetic + Effort + Bouncing doesn't = Bacon, what does???

WEIGH DAY

Well, today was the big day. My human had to do some stuff over by our normal, official scale and said we could do a re-weigh. Y'know, just in case the Pet Food Express scale is stupid or broken or bad at math or whatever.

So we went. And I got naked. And when I stepped on the scale it said this:

26.6!?!

Kinda hard to read, but this = 26.6. Yes! That's 0.6 lbs MORE than at PFE. My human said both scales can't be stupid/broken/bad at math, so even though we're not sure which is right, or exactly how much I weigh, it must be more than 25lbs. Waist or no waist.

Scales = bad news!

There is some maybe-good though. I kinda hurt my foot jumping out of the car and am a little gimpy now. Am thinking maybe if I act extrasuperpathetic, my human might give me SOMETHING with a little bacon on it to make me feel better. Maybe not a Baconator. Maybe not even a Son of Baconator. But some sort of bacon. Because I'm pretty sure bacon makes anything better. Even a gimpy foot. 

Right?


(this is where you all say riiiiiiiight)




 

ONE LITTLE POUND

 

I was reeeeallly excited about maybe getting to eat bacon again, so I told my human we need to visit the scale ASAP. She's into some new weird thing where we only drive Mazda on weekends and Wednesdays (no clue) and since yesterday was a Monday and our regular official scale is too far away to walk to, she said ASAP wouldn't be for a few days. 

Days???

I was pretty sure any scale would say I'm skinny, so I suggested we walk my skinniness over to the one at Pet Food Express. It's not far from our house and I figured I could get every last drop of pee out on the walk over. Besides, they also keep a bowl of cookies on the counter and the counter people totally love me.

My human liked this idea so we walked and I peed and the stupid scale at PFE still got it freaking wrong! Even completely naked & peeless, the dumb scale still said I supposedly weigh 26lbs.

I mean, does this look like a 26lb waist to you??

 

No. It doesn't. Because last time I got on a scale and weighed 26lbs I had NO waist at all. How can I be shaped different and still weigh the same?? I mean, unless Augustus was right and my new waistiness is really just a dent from Frank's nonstop humping, I must weigh less than before. Right?

Right.

So I told my human the scale at PFE must be broken. She suggested we weigh Dutch to test it out because he never gets fat. I was kinda worried when he stepped on the scale and weighed 67 not-fat lbs... until the scale changed its mind to 68.4... and then 69.8! According the the scale, skinny-necked Dutch got 2.8lbs fatter in like two minutes.

When one little pound is all that stands between you and a Baconator, the scale you're standing on better know what it's doing. The stupid scale at PFE obviously doesn't have a clue and cannot be trusted. My human couldn't really argue with me on that.

On Wednesday, we re-weigh.

MAGIC WORDS

Hey everybody! Sorry I wasn't here on Friday, but I was trapped. Like, under Frank. He came over to keep me company so my human's leaking head could rest and get better. Frank seemed to think keeping me company meant humping, so that's pretty much what he did to me the whole entire time.

Day humping.

Night humping

I'm not a huge fan of being humped, even by Frank. But I guess it's more fun than lying in bed staring at the ceiling. The best part about hanging out with Frank is he's kinda tubey and that makes people think I'm skinny. Seriously. Like four people called me 'the skinny one' when I was out walking with Frank.

skinny me

And I'm not sure how it happened, but all of a sudden I have a waist. It could be because my human lost the measuring thingy for my food in Portland and has been guessing wrong ever since. Maybe Frank humped the tubeiness off me. Not sure. But wherever the waist came from, it's definitely there. My human even noticed and she never notices anything.

Then last night something totally amazing happened. I was trying to score some human food by doing my best kitchen-Jimmy, and I guess my waist looked extra waisty because my human said the magic words every pug on earth wants to hear:  

Pug, you're looking kinda skinny.

SKINNY! Me. Skinny. And not even because Frank is fat because he went home. Of course my human didn't give me anything - like FOOD! - to make me less skinny, but she did say we need to get my butt on a scale. I asked her if my butt can have something special to eat if it weighs less than 25 lbs. She must feel guilty about maybe starving me because she totally said yes.

Scale, here I come...

SANTA BARBARA

Dancing skullys!

Sorry about yesterday's wordlessness. I guess my human was too busy honking and sneezing and leaking out her nose to help me type. Seriously thinking I need a new human. Or at least a back-up human. Y'know, for when my regular one is leaking or feels like poo or whatever. 

Anyway. 

Today I finally get to tell you about last week's mystery trip. It was to a place called Santa Barbara and we went to scout locations for pug shooting. It took like forever to get there (7 1/2 hours!) because of traffic stuff, so we didn't get to stay long. Before me and Dutch, my human used to live down there so I guess she kinda knew where she was going. This made it sooooo much better than the other scouting trips because the stupid navigation lady wasn't talking all the time. 

 Chillin in Funk Town.

I didn't get to see much of Santa B. Mostly just a park, some street with lots of stores, and a beach that didn't want me on it. I met a very cool dude who was painting dancing skullys on a wall and my human found a whole bunch of funky murals in a place they call Funk Town. Dutch found some stupid pink store and was completely obsessed. We got in trouble for taking pictures in some mall thing. Then we went home. 

 OBSESSED!

My human promises she'll take me to a dog beach when we go down there to shoot more pugs. I don't think Dutch gets to come but maybe if he's really really nice to me and gives me all of his cookies, his carrots, and half his food for the next month I will bring him back a stupid pink dog. But only if he's really super nice.

MOSTLY WORDLESS

The thumbs "feels like poo" and has something leaking out of her nose so I'm on my own today. I hope it isn't brain or we are all in trouble...

SNAKES ON A PUG!

I know you're all totally wondering about our mystery trip. But before I tell you about where we went, I totally have to tell you about something crazy that happened when we got back.

We were out on our usual Saturday morning cow hike, walking the same trail we've walked like 8 million times, and my human started shouting at me. PUG! PUG! PUG-LET! I wasn't doing anything wrong, I swear. At least I didn't think I was. But I know when my human shouts PUG-LET like that  I must be in trouble.

And I was. But not because I did anything bad. No, I was in trouble because I didn't see the great big giant snake that was right in the middle of the trail. And it was going to eat me alive. Or maybe I was just going to step on it. Whatever. There was a snake. And there was me. And that made my human yell.

I don't know how I didn't notice the great big giant snake. But I didn't. And Dutch didn't either. My human says this is why we wouldn't last very long in the wild. I have no idea what that means. I mean, if I did see the snake, then what? It's not like I could do anything about it. A snake is a snake. End of story.

When I mentioned this to my human, she just laughed and said OK. She moved the snake off the trail so nobody else wouldn't almost step on it.

Maybe if I had thumbs I could pick up a snake and move it. Maybe if my human was normal she wouldn't pick up a snake. Maybe if my human wasn't a total spaz she could take a picture with Droid and hold a snake at the same time -- without dropping one of them on me.

THE GIANT BLONDE LADY STORE

The door to pink mecca

Hello again everybody! My human forced Pug to let me have the blog today because he made fun of me (again) for loving pink so much.

It happened during our trip to the mysterious place we went to last week. But I'll let Pug tell you about that because I just want to talk about the amazing store we found there. I was too excited to find out the name of the store, but there are giant blonde ladies in the window. They are impossible to miss. You can probably see them from space.

Me & Pink

I don't know who these giant blonde ladies are, but they love pink. Their store is pink mecca! Even the bags even say I LOVE PINK. The amazing part of the store is not the pink spots or giant blonde ladies though. It is their dog. I mean dogS. Many of them. In all different colors of the rainbow, including pink.

Pug, gagging.

I don't know if the blonde ladies are rich or generous or both, but a sign in front of the store says they want to give you one of their mini dogs. Yes, give! For FREE. I was very excited when I saw this and could not wait to get my own pink mini dog. That's when Pug started making fun of me. Right there, in front of the store. In front of the generous giant blonde ladies.

It was extremely embarrassing.

So we left. And I did not get a dog. Not a big dog, not a little dog. Not a pink or any other colored dog. And I am still a little upset about it. It's not fair that Pug can have all his special "things" like skulls and bacon and corndogs and I can't have just have this one special thing of my own. Why is that so wrong?

A little pink never hurt anyone.

HERE, BUT STILL UNKNOWN

Some clues...

1. There is an ocean, but I'm not allowed in or near it.

2. There are lots of those funny trees like they have in Miami.

3. The sun is in the wrong place, according to my human (it's over the ocean in the morning).

4. It's kinda hot.

5. People here like pugs but loooooove Dutch.

6. There's a store that gives away dogs when you buy underwear and stuff. I swear. We saw it written on a sign. Some of the dogs are pink and now Dutch is totally obsessed. No idea.

That's all I got for now!

DESTINATION UNKNOWN

We've been sitting in Mazda for a loooong time. Like, hours.

Last time this happened we went to Portland and Seattle so my human could shoot more pugs, but Nikon is still MIA so I'm pretty sure this isn't another pug-shooting trip. My human didn't pack a tent or the big camping bag or anything so unless she just forgot to (totally possible) I'm pretty sure we're not going to the wilderness.

My human won't tell us where we're going, but she promised Dutch there will be a bed to sleep in. That's the only clue I have. Will keep you posted...

DEFINITELY NOT LICKED

So we were at the park this morning and some dude showed my human a "really funny picture of this pug that's all over the internet". But instead of laughing, my human said Heyyyy, that's Puglet!

She showed me the dude's phone, and there I was. Grilling hotdogs at Tiffy's old house on the middle coast. I guess somebody out there on the internet borrowed my picture and made me some sort of posterpug for licked hotdogs. Or not licked. Or something.

Here's the thing. I did not lick any of those hotdogs. Not one. They were for the stupid (sorry) Other 999 in Milwaukee and I was not allowed to touch them. Pose with them, yes. Touch them, no. Lick them?? Yeah right.

So how come the message says ALL the hotdogs are licked??

That's like false advertising. There was definitely no licking. And even though I'm not the one who put that message on my picture, my freaking face is still right there - lying to everyone. I mean, what if it really is all over the internet like the park dude said? The whole entire internet is going to think I'm a liar!

I want to set the record straight:

Yes, that is me grilling up some hotdogs.
Yes, it does say ALL the hotdogs are licked.
No, I definitely did not get to lick any of those hotdogs in the picture.

Or any other hotdogs. Ever.

UPSIDE DOWN

Since I haven't really done anything since me and Frank supermodeled downtown, I guess I'll just tell you more about that.

Ok, so my human said we were going downtown to supermodel and scout locations. She didn't tell me we were also going downtown to do experiments. Pug experiments. Like on me and Frank.

The experiments were supposed to help my human figure out new ways to take pug pictures. Her friend Cyndi came along because she shoots dogs too. Well, Cyndi thought it'd be cute to get pictures of pugs lying on their back. I don't know about you, but I don't like to be upside down. Don't want to lie upside down. Don't like to sleep upside down. And definitely don't want to supermodel upside down.

My human agreed it'd be totally cute to take upside down pug pictures but didn't think it'd be all that easy, knowing how I feel about being on my back and everything. Cyndi wasn't so sure and suggested we try it out. On me.

Uhm, yeah. Here's how that went:

click to biggify

Told you. Upside down is no bueno. So when Cyndi tried to get me on my back, of course I totally resisted. I squirmed and wriggled and refused to bend any of my legs. And it worked. Sort of. My back touched the ground for a maybe a second, but then my upside was right back up where it belongs.

My human thought this was all very funny, but I didn't. And I reeeeally didn't think it was funny when Frank rolled over on his freaking back like it was no big deal. Right in front of Nikon.

Upside down Frank.

Yeah. Thanks Frank. Way to make me look bad. Seriously. I really hope this doesn't give my human any crazy ideas.

THE DISAPPERANCE

 Testing... 1, 2, 3.

So, I'm not exactly sure what happened last week. One minute I was downtown supermodeling with Frank to test out some new spots for the next 1000 Pugs thing... next thing I know we're at home and my human is in some sort of huge hurry to get Nikon and and all of Nikon's stuff packed up into a great big box. 

This was totally not normal so I tried to find out what was going on. But my human was so, uh, whatever she didn't answer any of my questions. I even tried Jimmying on the box but still, not a peep. When Nikon was all packed up, she took the box and left. For like hours. And then.... nothing.

Model. Supermodel.

I don't know where she went or what she did there, but when my human came home Nikon was not with her. The rest of the week was kinda fuzzy, but I think maybe my human's brain caught on fire or something because I heard her something about being too burned out. I know her gimpy brain hasn't been so awesome lately. I also know she started taking some new pill or something that might help her brain feel less gimpy. Except instead of getting less gimpy, I guess her brain got sick.

Or something like that. Who knows. Humans can be so complicated.

Anyway. I'm back now, so back to ME. Uhm. Except I don't have much to say because I haven't really done anything in the last week but sleep, eat and sleep. My human said things are getting back to normal so hopefully my life will be exciting again too. She said we're going on a roadtrip this week, so that could be exciting.

I still don't know what happened to Nikon. But here's the last picture my human took before the disappearance. I have no idea why Frank is wearing my skully harness.

NICE CARINE

So, Mazda got beat up again. Well, sort of. You probably remember the first time this happened - when some jerk who didn't know how to park left a big giant dent and drove away. Or the second time when a bunch of Mac-nappers hit us with their getaway car and drove away. Well, this time the person left a note.

It said:

I'm so sorry I banged up your license plate 

frame! Please text me at (phone number) so 

that I can pay you for replacing it.

 - Carine

Uh huh. The license plate frame. Y'know, that plasticy thing that says Redwood City Mazda on it? Yeah, that.

Mazda has sooo many scars from the other attacks, I have no idea how anyone could even tell if the license plate thingy got hurt. My human says it was probably beat up waaaay before Nice Carine went anywhere near it.

I wish we could leave a note on Nice Carine's car telling her how freaking awesome she is. But since we don't know which car is hers and I don't want to leave you-are-so-awesome notes on the whole entire neighborhood's cars, I'll tell the whole entire internet instead and cross my paws that she reads it.

Dear Nice Carine, 

You are the best. If the entire world was as nice and honest and thoughtful as you are it would be a much better place. 

Hugs + Bacon,

Puglet

PS: Don't worry about the stupid license plate thingy.