I like poo. But I also like my human. Thing is, there's like this voice. And it's so much louder than my human's - even when she's screaming her head off like a crazy person. So when she's yelling LEAVE IT!!! at me, all I hear is The Voice. And The Voice says EAT ME.
HUMAN: so you're saying the poo talks to you?
ME: yes, that's what I'm saying.
HUMAN: ok... well... you could just ignore it.
ME: it's louder than you. I have to listen.
We argued for awhile about how stupid this sounds. Then we argued about ways to make the poo shut up. Bee hat. Remote-controlled collar thingy. On-leash for all of eternity. Those were her ideas. I didn't like any of them.
Google had some ideas to stop me from eating my own poo, but I my poo doesn't talk to me the way stranger poo does. That's when it hit me: my poo doesn't talk to me and neither does Dutch's. What do our poos have in common? They -- uhm, I mean we -- both eat the same food. Maybe our food is making me eat poo!
It totally makes sense, right? I mean, I've been eating the same stupid food for like four years. Maybe my belly just wants something new and is too stupid to know the difference between poo and food. Maybe it's not the poo talking. Maybe it's my stomach.
Besides, the only reason I eat the same stupid food as Dutch is because my human isn't organized enough or whatever to buy more than one bag. Dutch has to eat the stupid food because he's got spots and a sensitive stomach. I don't have either of those things.
Why should I suffer??
I tried explaining this to my human. She thinks it's just a ploy to:
A) get new food or
B) make our own poo eatable
But I guess she felt bad about not talking to me because she said we can try it. Lucky for my stomach, the food bin is almost empty so Miss Gimpy Brain didn't have time to forget about my genius