DUTCH FRIDAY: bowl half full

Hello again! It's me, Dutch. Not sure if you'd recognize me all snuggled up like that in today's picture. I'm sure Pug whined told you all about the rain we've been having so I've been snuggling up like that a lot lately, trying to stay toasty. 

I don't love getting wet, but there are probably worse things. Like snow. Our human says this makes me a "bowl-half-full kind of guy". I think that means I see the good things. Google says this makes me an optimist. I'm not sure if Google has a word for someone who never thinks there's enough food in their bowl, but Pug is that kind of guy.

Since I don't really have any other thoughts for today, I will leave you with a poem:

An Optimist's Ode to Rain

February showers

bring pretty March flowers

And who doesn't love flowers?

except maybe Pug.

Rainy days are perfect 

for snuggling and cuddling

Even when you're the pillow

and the snoring is loud.

Stay happy, warm and dry everybody! See you next week.

Wet nose & warm toes,

Dutch

xoxo

YAWN

So it rained all day yesterday. It was this ^ exciting. I took a nap. Then another nap. And when I couldn't nap anymore, I just laid there waiting for the rain to stop. When laying there got too boring, I'd try a different way of laying. But that was pretty boring too.

Dutch used me as a pillow for awhile. I guess that was exciting. Or more like annoying. His neck might be skinny but his head weighs a freaking ton. Uhm, yeah. Being somebody's pillow is extra not-fun when you're full of pee because it's raining outside. Maybe I should write a poem about how that feels?

Anyway. Sorry for being so boring. Rain will do that to you. I'll try to talk my human into doing something extra-exciting when the sun comes back out. The weather people say that that might happen today!

WOE IS RAIN

It's raining. And it's supposed to rain again tomorrow. And the next tomorrow. And the tomorrow after that. This does not make me happy.

My human says California needs the rain. So do the plants and Miley's mom's well (whatever that is). She also says it could be much worse - we could be freezing our butts off on one of the Ice Coasts. And I guess that's true. But I'm still not happy about it.

Sigh.

Dutch suggested I write a poem about my feelings. Uhm. Yeah. Of course he did. I think this idea is kinda dumb but I don't want to go outside and get wet, so... here goes:

Ode to Rain

Rain, rain, go away

I hate this icky weather.

Maybe the rest of California needs you

but I like butt weather better.

I miss you, blue skies

wherever you are.

Please come back soon

because rain kinda sucks.

Not exactly sure how that was supposed to make me feel better but it did buy us a few more minutes of dry time on the couch. Next time your human tries to make you pee in icky weather, maybe suggest writing poems instead??

ALMOST WORDLESS: totally invisible!

OPTIMISTIC

So, Dutch says I don't always 100% tell the truth. Like how I conveniently didn't mention eating a pink cupcake. Or that I liked it. Well, duh. Of course I don't. I mean, this isn't non-fiction. Nobody wants to read about every single freaking thing I do. So I just leave the boring stuff out. 

Of course Dutch thinks I'm lying about this too.

DUTCH: you also leave out all the bad stuff you do.
PUG: name one thing.
DUTCH: like last week when you rolled in a patch of superstinky dead stuff at the park and nobody would pet you because it looked like you were covered in poo and our human made you ride home wrapped in a towel because you smelled soooo gross she almost puked.
PUG: ok, name one other thing.

So I rolled in a litte death. Big deal. I got to take a bath when we got home and baths = cookies. Google says that's called being optimistic - and I'm pretty sure it's not the same as lying. 

Uhm, right?

DUTCH FRIDAY: pink with pink spots on top

Is it really Friday already? If I'm here, it must be! Well, I've been thinking all week about what to say since Pug already told you about the magic drive thru. And the burger. And the bacon. What he didn't tell you about was this:

Yes! Cupcakes! Pink cupcakes. With pink spots on top! A big fat one for me and tiny little baby one for Pug. How did this happen? Well. After we went thru Jack's magic window, my human stopped at Safeway to buy something she could eat (apples) and accidentally left us alone. With the bacon.

ME: do you think that's for us?

PUG: I think it's probably for me.

ME: what am I going to eat?

PUG: I don't know. Apples?

When my human came back and saw Jack sitting there, she was extremely happy (and shocked). Sooo happy, she surprised us with a trip to the cupcake store on the way home. I even got a bite of her apple too. 

Smooches!

Dutch
xoxo

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

after attack, before Jack

You're probably wondering how I scored a Bacon Insider from Jack in the Box's magic window. Honestly? I'm still kinda wondering that too. But I think it might have had something to do with a(nother) near-death experience I had at the park. And maybe my human feeling bad about "forgetting" to buy cupcakes.

The near death thing went down like this. I was minding my own business chasing Dutch when something in the grass attacked me. That's right, attacked. Suddenly I couldn't move and it really hurt. I tried to escape but when I did, the attacking thing just held on tighter. And when I tried to bite it away, there wasn't really anything to bite.

So I did what Dutch would do and screamed like a girl. Of course this freaked out every human in park, including mine who's slow brain was trying figure out what the heck was going on.

This is what was going on:

Yeah. I don't know what it is either. Or why it attacked me. But once it grabbed on to my harness, it wouldn't let go. 

ME: aaaack accccccck aaaaaaaaaccck
HUMAN: Pug! Hold still!
ME: aaaaaaaaacck aaaacck aaaaacck aaacck 
HUMAN: Can't. Unhook. Hold. Still. 
ME: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!

I was so freaking freaked out, I may have accidentally tried to bite my human when she was trying to rescue me. She was so happy I didn't break a leg, we took a detour to 'the Box on the way home. 

Totally worth almost dying for.

BURGER-MERGENCY

Not too many words today. Because there are no words for the magic of a drive thru window and a Bacon Insider. Uh huh. A hamburger with bacon in, under AND on top of it. 

Seriously. 

Watch the video and you will see how magical this magic is. Turn up your volume and you will hear it too.

 

Oh. And don't ever believe Dutch if he says I'm a food hog:




He even ate *the wrapper*. And almost my human's hand:

PRACTICALLY WORDLESS: !!!!

!!!!!

OLD AGAIN

cupcake of birthdays past

So my human got old again over the weekend. And since me and Dutch always get cupcakes on our special day, I was reeeally hoping we'd wake up to cupcakes. Even though my human is a freak and doesn't eat cupcakes. Even on her birthday.

Yeah. I know. Weird. 

Of course there weren't any cupcakes. So I came up with the genius idea to make miss gimpy-brain think she forgot to buy them. Dutch said this was mean. I say birthdays only happen once a year. 

ME: happy You Day!!
HUMAN: aww, Pug you're so sweet.
ME: so where are the cupcakes?
DUTCH: Pug!
HUMAN: (silence)

When Plan A didn't work, I moved on to Plan B. As in BACON. Sometimes I get bacon with my birthday cupcakes, so I figured maybe we could celebrate my human with some tasty birthday bacon. Even though she doesn't eat that either.

ME: so how are we going to celebrate your day?
HUMAN: a nap sounds good.
DUTCH: a nap sounds fabulous!
ME: I think bacon sounds more fun.
DUTCH: PUG! Ix-nay on the bacon-ay!
HUMAN: (silence)

Dutch said I was being selfish. But I just wanted my human to enjoy her special day. I mean, it only comes once a year. And it's not my fault she's a cupcake/bacon hating freak.  

DUTCH FRIDAY: I heart Steve

oh Steve, this is not my best angle!

Hello everybody! It's me again :) If you're on the Ice Coast, I hope you're wrapped up in your favorite sweater... and blanket... and matching scarf. Just the thought of knit coordinates makes winter weather sound soooo much better.

Anyhoo, I know Pug already whined told you about Steve and how much we love each other so I'll let today's pictures speak the words for me. Yes, it's true. Now that we have Steve, I just love love LOVE to play supermodel!!

My human is very curious to know why every other picture-making thing she's ever pointed at me is creepy and Steve is not, but I don't have an answer. Some things are a mystery. I just know something feels different on the inside. 

I also know it drives Pug crazy and I kinda like it ;)

Like the other day, I was super modeling for Steve in front of a bugle-ing buffalo. And I thought the picture would be better if I pretended to hear music, so I made believe there was a stream of sound pouring out of the bugle and into my head. 

what? I can't hear you!

The make-believe bugle music was so loud and so powerful, I had to tune it out.

la la la la

That's when Pug freaked on me.

PUG: what the heck are you doing? 

ME: feeling the music.

PUG: there is no music. Besides, real models don't feel stuff, they just look good.

ME: I'm a model *and* and actor.

PUG: (annoyed)

PUG: (more annoyed)

PUG: there is no music!!!

Poor Pug. Gets so upset when he's not the center of the universe. Which is precisely why he panicked, ran over to a record-playing buffalo and pretended to be a DJ. He kept yelling Look! I'm spinning! I'm spinning! until my human took his picture. 

DJ Pug

Part of me wanted to tell him I couldn't hear his music either. But that wouldn't be nice and I'm always nice. So sang myself a little make-believe song and pretended to dance. Because that's what a good model/actor/big brother would do.

Pink Fuzzy Hearts,

Dutch

xoxo

PS: I didn't know it was valentine's day until right now. Extra love, pinkness and smooches to the pooches! And their awesome humans too :D

FRUSTRATION COOKIES

So I've been playing this new game with my human. It's called Frustration Cookies. AKA, maybe-if you-give-me-a-cookie-I-will-X. Except X isn't really X. It's stuff like not eating poop in the bushes or actually listening when she screams PUUUUGGGG at me from halfway across the park. 

My favorite Frustration Cookie game is refusing to go downstairs when it's time to go out. The rules are pretty simple: when it's time to go for a walk, I just stand at the top of the stairs and stare at my human. She grabs the keys, I stare. Leashes, more staring. 

If my human's in a good mood, she'll kinda laugh and call it a Puglet Stand-off. The rest of the time, it's more like come down the damn stairs already. I've noticed the longer I stare, the less she laughs. I'm pretty sure this is the first step to scoring frustration cookies from a human.

So far, I haven't scored any cookies. But I have trained my human to come back inside after she leaves by running down the stairs as soon as she closes the door. It's pretty funny and I can definitely sense some frustration. Besides, it kinda makes me feel like I'm winning. Even without the cookies.

STEVE

So you're probably wondering why I'm tied to a house. When it happened, I was kinda wondering that too.

MY HUMAN: sorry Pug, you keep getting in the way.

ME: in the way? In the way of what?!? 

MY HUMAN: of the pictures.

ME: but I *am* the pictures!

At least I thought I was the pictures. I mean, except for the stairs, Dutch was the only other thing around to take pictures of. And he hates cameras. Says they're creepy. Give the guy a pink sweater, and suddenly he's a supermodel? 

ME: I thought you hated cameras.
DUTCH: I do. They're creepy.
ME: so what's with the camera hogging?
DUTCH: that's not a camera, Pug. It's Steve.

Uhm. Ok. Right. Steve. It took me a minute to figure out who the heck Steve was. Back when Droid did the big sleep a few months ago, I was too sad to even think about my human getting a new phone. Well, apparently new phone's name is Steve. 

AKA, Dutch's new BFF. 

Seriously. Just look at the way he stares into Steve's little lens and smiles. Talk about creepy:

I'm not sure how I feel about Steve - I kinda still miss Droid. I've heard my human say she loved Droid but only likes Steve, and mostly for taking pictures. Since she never touches Nikon anymore, I guess I'll have to like Steve for taking pictures too. 

Now I just need to figure out a way to make Steve traumatize Dutch...

ALMOST WORDLESS: coffee?!?

My human says these are all places in our neighborhood that sell coffee. Coffee? Who cares about coffee? I mean, there's obviously no shortage of it or anything. What I really want to know is where can I get me some bacon?!?

PINEAPPLE EXPRESSED

les miserables

Ever eat pineapple? If not, it's kinda sweet and sour and hard and squishy all at the same time. Just like me and Dutch - says my human. Whatever. The stuff is definitely on the eatable list. So you'd think anything called a 'pineapple express' would be a good thing. Right?

Wrong.

Because humans are weird and complicate everything. Seriously. Because get this: a Pineapple Express has *nothing* to do with pineapples and everything to do with rain. Lots and lots and LOTS of rain.

Rain in the morning. Rain in the afternoon. Rain at night. And I know California needs rain and everything, but I don't. Because even with the best anti-rain coat in the universe, rain still sucks butt. 

Sooo much butt that I refused to go outside until it stopped raining on me. Poor wet Dutch can't hold his pee like me, so he got Pineapple Express'd while I snored under the nice warm dry covers at home. 

HOT PINK SUGAR SKULLS (with flowers on top)

Hello again everybody! If you read today's title, you already know this isn't going to be about Pug. He'd never go near anything hot and pink with flowers on top - but we all know I would. Especially when that hot pink sugary thing is a cozy mock turtle neck sweater!

Truth: sweaters are a struggle for me. I love them, but they don't love me back. Because whoever makes them doesn't seem to understand you can be big AND skinny at the same time. And also long. And chesty. Noodle+Mochi's mom offered to knit a special sweater like the skully one they made for Pug, but my human said that would be waaaay too much knitting. 

:(

So for the past 10 years, I've had to cope with bad sweaters. Sweaters that try to strangle me in my sleep (legs through neck hole = scary!), make walking very awkward and peeing nearly impossible. But that all changed the day we walked into Jefferey's to score some free cookies.

And saw this:

They only had one left, in size XXL. And for a minute I was slightly heartbroken. But as soon as my human slipped its wooly hot pink goodness neck over my head, I knew. I'd *finally* found true sweater love. AND it was on sale. For 75% OFF!!!  

The only thing better than a cozy hot pink sweater is a cozy hot pink sweater on sale. And I don't care if Pug says I'm a copycat and is completely horrified to walk down the street with me. He's just jealous of all the attention my sweater gets because everyone else thinks it's a-maz-ing. 

Stay cozy!

Dutch

xoxo

PS: thank you for the snoring help! Pug slept on the couch last night but I got to stay in bed :D  I think a D-I-E-T might be coming soon. 

PPS: my perfect sweater also comes in turquoise. 

STRAY SHOES

Is it just me, or is Dutch getting kinda pushy? Seriously. Just because my snoring is keeping him awake all night doesn't mean it's ok for him to hijack my stuff.  I'm not even 100% sure he's telling the truth about my snore. I mean, if it was really *that* loud, wouldn't my sleep get ruined too??

But enough about Dutch. Let's talk about me.

Ok. So, my human has this thing about shoes. I know a lot of lady humans have a thing about shoes, but I think we all know by now my human is not a normal human. So instead of buying shoes to make herself happy, she gets all excited about stray ones.

Yeah. Stray shoes. As in, like, shoes that lost their people. Big shoes. Little shoes. Girly shoes. Man shoes. They're kinda everywhere once your crazy human you start looking. And whenever we see a stray shoe, my human gets all happy and asks me to supermodel. In the shoes. It's not my favorite thing to do, but you know how hard it is to say no to a happy human??

Practically impossible.

The shoes usually come in twos. Sometimes in a pile of twos. But sometimes we'll find an orphan shoe and this always makes me a little sad. It must be really hard to lose your person *and* your other half. Even if you're just a shoe.

So I pose. And sometimes I get a cookie. But even when I don't, I guess it's not the end of the world or anything if it makes my human happy. Unless the shoes are strappy girly high heeled things. Then I make Dutch do it.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SLEEP

Hello everybody! I know it's only Wednesday and I'm not supposed to be here yet but I have a problem and really need your help. Don't worry, nobody is sick or anything terrible like that. But lately Pug has been snoring REALLY REALLY LOUD and it's driving everyone crazy. Everyone but Pug anyway. Somehow he sleeps through it.

I think our human might want to strangle him and I think I might want to help her. 

Last night the snoring got soooo bad we had to sleep on the couch. By we, I mean snoring Pug and me. Yes. Even though I am a perfectly perfect sleeper, I got kicked out of bed too. Our human says she feels bad making Pug sleep alone, but what about me? I don't want to be snored at either!

This is not the first time we've been couched and I'm afraid it won't be the last. Google says pugs and snoring go together like peanut butter and jelly (?) but that doesn't exactly explain how to fix whatever's broken. Does anyone out there know how make a snoring pug stop snoring???

Desperately, 

Dutch
xoxo

ALMOST WORDLESS: shadows

MY HUMAN: let's play a game called stand over there and don't move.
ME: that doesn't sound very fun.
DUTCH: yes it does!
ME: like, just stand here?
MY HUMAN: yes. perfect. just like that.

ME: what kind of game is this?
MY HUMAN: Pug, you're moving.
DUTCH: am I winning? I think I'm winning!
ME: uhm, does the winner of this dumb game get cookies?

HOPE IS A DEAD SHARK

Uhm. Sorry for Dutch's metaphorical-philosophical-whateverical weirdness on Friday. I wanted to tell him there's a word for expecting to get cookies at a closed checkout stand, and it isn't hope. But my human said that would be mean. 

Of course she also says I got the brains and Dutch got the looks. Which I think is code for I'm a genius and Dutch isn't. Kinda mean, right? I guess when you have thumbs nobody can tell you what mean is.

Anyway. If you ask me, hope is when your pretty spotted brother with the small brain and big nose finds a shark in the grass and you hope you'll be able to eat it before your human with the slow brain and fast thumbs notices.

Hope is when your human picks up your dead shark and you hope she's not going to take it away. Maybe she just wants a closer look? Maybe she really likes dead sharks too?

 

Hope is not when your human throws your dead shark back into the water so nobody - including ME - can eat it. I can think of lots of words for this. Some of them have four letters like hope, but hope totally isn't one of them. Unless maybe you're Dutch.