TIARA vs. LIVER

So, remember that list of things I told you about? The one with you on it? Yeah. That one. Well I guess my human wants to feel better NOW and decided the list needs to be longer. I suggested we ask Google for ideas.

Of course Google had TONS of ideas. Most were things she already does. Stuff like eat green leafy vegetables. Go for a walk. Sleep. Others were kinda weird. Cover yourself in temporary tattoos and glitter? Wear a tiara?

Not helpful, Google.

We were about to give up on making the feel-better list longer. Until I read about one of the world's healthiest eatables.

HUMAN: I am NOT eating a liver.
ME: But it's a superfood. It's supposed to make you feel awesome.
HUMAN: Kale is a superfood.
ME: You already eat that and still feel like poo.
HUMAN: Blueberries?
ME: Ditto.

We went back and forth like that for awhile. Turns out the only superfood my human doesn't already eat is liver. Unless you count bacon, the super-est food of all.

I guess my human must be reeeeally sick of feeling like poo because this morning she bought a liver. A real live liver. It's in the fridge right now. Soaking in milk:

liver + milk = pink!?

Don't ask me about the milk. It was Google's idea. Something about making the liver taste less gross?? No clue. But I guess cutting it into chunks, freezing it, and swallowing whole is plan B.

Seriously?

Chef Annie (and anyone else with cooking powers): I'm sure my human would LOVE to know how to turn liver into a tasty eatable, but please shhhhhh! Me & Dutch will get to eat it if my human can't get it down.

Paws crossed for grossness!

SQUASH

I think my human has finally lost whatever brain she has left. It happened this morning during our morning pee walk and went something like this:

HUMAN: Awwwww.
ME: Yes?
HUMAN: Not you. The squash. How cute is that!?!
ME: (confused)

I'm pretty sure she was awwwing about a little plant that was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. Things like that make me smile inside, she said. Ummm. Ok. We see plants all the time. I had no idea what the big deal was.

Weirdo.

I really had to pee and just wanted to get to the park. So when my human asked me to pose next to the plant, I didn't ask any questions. That's when I saw the little note stuck inside:

Ok. So maybe that is kinda cute. For a plant anyway. My human really wanted to bring Acorn Squash home with us - until I reminded her our house is where plants come to die and dead plants don't make anyone smile.

THE NEW DUTCH

Who's a sissy?

Hello everybody! Me again. Dutch, I mean. Now I know you all love me no matter what. And I know you know that Pug doesn't always tell the whole 100% truth. About me or anything else. But that doesn't mean it's ok.

Do you remember that thing I said about almost-death being life changing? Well, the New Dutch is stronger and wiser and many other-er things. New Dutch is still a little scared of farts, but not afraid to speak about things deep inside his head and heart.

Today the New Dutch wants everyone to know the truth about being a big spotted sissy.

• It was really really hot the other day.

• Pug was dying too, he just didn't tell you that.

• Just because you want to take a nap on a cool sidewalk on a hot day doesn't make you a sissy.

• If I'm a sissy for getting hot, Pug is a sissy too.

• There's nothing wrong with being a sissy anyway.

• I'd rather be a sissy than a poo eater.

I think that's all.


Peace, love & Justin!

Dutch

SISSY

Ok. So I guess two days of Africa hot isn't really that huge a deal. Unless you live in a place that hardly ever gets hot. Or your name is Dutch.

Seriously. For a white dog with a full snout to pant with, Dutch is a complete wuss when it comes to heat. More than a wuss. A sissy!

Since Dutch isn't supposed to do long hikes (and my human wanted to buy a liver or something) we tried to walk in Africa heat to the Whole Foods on the other side of the hill. I was all excited because Whole Foods has those little packets of peanut butter and anytime my human parks us outside a food place, she always brings us an eatable.

Casa de Puglet to PB: less than a mile

Google says it's only 0.8 miles from our house (A) to peanut butter (B). Even if you do have to climb the biggest hill on earth to get from A and B, it's still not far. Unless it's hot. Your name is Dutch. And you're a sissy.

No joke. We were about halfway to peanut butter when the big spotted sissy decided it was too hot to take another step.... and cockroached in the middle of the sidewalk like he was dying or something.

ME: Dude!
DUTCH: Hot.
ME: Seriously. We're almost there. Get up.
DUTCH: Hottttttttt.

Arrgh! No way was I going to let a spotted sissy get between me and peanut butter. 

ME: Come on. Don't you want to lick some Justin?
DUTCH: Justin?
ME: Yes. Justin.

Justin!

Ok, so maybe Dutch might have thought I meant I was talking about some other Justin. But it got us to Whole Foods. And I got me some peanut butter.

* * *

The doctor sucked more blood out of my human this morning but I don't think they are ever going to decide what's wrong with her or how to fix it. Seems like for good day there are a few bad ones. It's totally lame and reeeeeeally starting to get annoying.

So last night me & Dutch made a list of everything in the world we could think of that might make her feel better. Of course me (and I guess Dutch) were #1 on the list, but for #2 we put being here. Every day. With all of you. 

Life's just better for everyone when that happens. 

Don't you think?

92.8

I don't know what it's like where you are, but right here it's freaking hot. Like Africa hot. Ok, so maybe I've never been to Africa. But I heard someone say that in a movie once and it sounded cool. I mean hot. 

Whatever.

Yesterday's hot hit the 90s. I tried to get my human to take us to the beach but she is lame and Dutch is still semi-broken so I just sat around the yard panting my head off. The vet said Dutch can go back to being "normal" next week. Dutch? Normal? Right. Dr. Fong is an awesome vet, but he obviously doesn't know Dutch very well.

Of course a trip to the vet always means the scale. Even when you're just along for the ride/air conditioning. The scale said Dutch is too skinny and needs to gain like 5lbs. I'm not skinny and don't get to gain anything. Shocker.

25.6

So yeah. You haven't really missed anything because not a whole lot's been happening:

ME: I can't remember the last time I did anything fun.
HUMAN: (silent)
ME: Oh. Wait. I was at Frank's house. Getting humped.
HUMAN: (silent)
ME: Maybe I should go live with Frank.
ME: Forever.
ME: hello?
ME: did you hear what I said?
ME: hey, are you even awake??

I swear my human totally fell asleep in the middle of me complaining. How is that possible? Maybe I should move in with Frank. At least I know he loves me.