WILD GAME NIGHT

meat coma

My human hardly never knows what day it is but the 3 day weekend has her all sorts of screwed up. And I don't usually take advantage of her gimpiness... ok, sometimes I do. Whatever. But there was wild meat in the freezer and I didn't want to wait for it.

ME: we're still having Wild Game Night tonight, right?
HUMAN: it's not Wednesday. Is it?
ME: uh, yeah.
HUMAN: oh. Then I guess we are.

In case you missed it, Google helped me guilt my human into eating wild animals. It's supposed to make her feel better. Kinda like the liver, but less gross.

The store had all sorts of wild meats, but my human was kinda freaked out about eating something you only ever see on Animal Planet. So instead of coming home with something really cool, like camel or kangaroo, she got elk. I guess she met a bunch of elks back in some place called Colorado. They used to come down from the mountains in winter and scare the horses or something.

No idea.

But back to the meat. In case you never get to eat wild meat, it's not much different than regular meat. Elk looks a whole lot like cow, if you ask me. I was too busy swallowing to taste anything but I'm pretty sure it tasted like cow too.

My human didn't think you'd want to see the elk. I thought it'd be pretty lame to tell you all about Wild Game Wednesday and not show you a picture.

ME: you have to show the meat!

HUMAN: (silent)
ME: people want to see meat!
HUMAN: nobody wants to see a bunch of bloody meat.
ME: hello! people aren't the only ones reading this blog.

wild meat!

Of course I was right. I mean, just because I don't have thumbs doesn't mean I'm not a genius. Or at least more genius than a human with a gimpy brain.

MAKING THINGS BETTER

Cow pudding!

So you've probably noticed I keep disappearing. It's because of the human. And her maybe-lupus-or-whatever-it-is thing.

It's really weird. She'll be fine for a few days and things seem almost kinda normal. We go places. Do things. She stares at other pugs on HAL4. I get bored watching her and nap. Everybody is happy. And just when I think life is going to be normal again... BAM! She falls and can't get up.

OK, maybe she doesn't actually fall down. Like on the ground. But she might as well.

The supersucky part about my human going down is she takes her thumbs with her. Without thumbs, nothing gets done. We go nowhere. Do nothing. Nobody is happy. It's really annoying.

Lucky for us, my human feels guilty about ruining my life and has agreed to make things better until things get... uhm... better. The plan is to write a bunch of DPs at the beginning of each week before she has a chance to fall down. That way I can go back to being a real live Daily again - with or without thumb cooperation.

The cool thing about all this is I'll be able see into the future. Like one of those weather people, except I will always be right. For tomorrow, I see wild game. At least I think I do (it's still in the freezer).

Thursday: bees + flies

Friday: my human tries to kill me


On Monday Dutch takes over. He gets the blog, I get the liver. Be prepared for lots of pink...

See you in the AM!


PS: Liver Monday is still in effect! My human put Dutch in charge of naming the livers from now on because he's not allowed to eat them. Such a bad idea. Zero guesses what liver #4's name is/was. 

Me + Justin

Oh. And my human is either getting way better at not ruining stuff on the stove or she's starting to like liver. I barely got any compared to last week! Dutch says a little liver is better than no liver at all, but I like liver better when it's a lot.

CAMEL OR KANGAROO?

 

Remember the days when I used to do stuff? Y'know, fun stuff. Like going to the grocery store to see the meat. 

Those days sure were awesome. 

So last night I tried to guilt my human into taking me somewhere fun to do something awesome. If you've ever tried to guilt a human into doing something you know it doesn't always 100% work, but I figured half-working is better than sitting around and being bored doing nothing.

ME: Remember the time you took me to the grocery store to see where meat comes from?

HUMAN: No.

ME: Seriously? 

HUMAN: Seriously. Dogs aren't allowed in grocery stores. 

ME: But I rode in a cart! There are pictures.

Arrgh. Sometimes it reeaaally sucks to have a human with a broken brain. But sometimes...

ME: So what are we eating for game night?

HUMAN: huh?

ME: Like Liver Monday but with wild meat and on Wednesday. You promised!

HUMAN: I did?

ME: You totally did.

Goodbye operation guilt. Hello gimpy brain! 

Lucky for me, we live like two minutes away from a place that sells everything from boar to venison.  Unlucky for me, dogs aren't allowed inside and my human couldn't decide which kind of wild to buy and came back with no meat at all.

My human is still getting over eating liver and wants to stuck with something kinda normal. I think we should go big and eat something totally *not* normal. I mean, the whole point is to be wild. Right?

I vote for something like this:

Or maybe this:

Dutch doesn't care what meat we get as long as Dalmatians can eat it. If you had to pick something wild to eat what would it be? And no, berries do not count.

MOVE OVER LIVER!

Since my human survived Fred (liver #2) I suggested we eat liver once a week. Y'know, because liver is a superfood. Well. I have no freaking idea how I did it but she agreed to Liver Mondays. Dutch can't eat liver any day of the week so last night I helped my human finish liver #3. I named her Lucy.

Yummmmm.

As yummo as livers are, I'm 100% sure if they don't make my human do backflips or something, Liver Mondays aren't going to last very long. So I've started thinking about Plan B. Google came back at me with this list of the 11 healthiest foods in the world:

Fish
Kelp
Mushrooms
Coconut
Watercress
Berries
Wild Rice
Wild Game
Maple Syrup
Honey
Nuts

Ugh. Whoever came up with that list obviously wasn't thinking about me when they made it. They also have no idea how to make my freak of a human healthier because she already eats most of that stuff. No joke. Right now the only things on that list *not* already in our house are watercress and wild game.

I have no idea what watercress is, but it didn't make my human Ewwww so I'm guessing it's some kind of vegetable. Google filled me in on the Wild Game.... turns out it's some sort of code for MEAT! I figured my human wouldn't have a clue about secret meat codes and tried to trick her into agreeing to another super-meat night.

ME: can we have game night?
HUMAN: you mean like monopoly?
ME: uhhhh, sure. Or maybe buffalo?
HUMAN: buffalo?

She didn't exactly say yes to Wild Game, but she did say yes to monopoly. Not sure if that's a good thing. Or not.

BROMANTIC

Do I look not-hot to you?

Hello Internet! It's me, Frank. Pug's blonde lady said I could tell you some things about our weekend. Dutch said I should tell you about my bromance but I don't know what that means so I'm going to tell you about hiking instead.

We hiked. It was hot and I wanted to die. Pug and Dutch didn't think it was hot at all but they were wrong. I don't like nature but lying on the dirty ground is better than hiking. Anything is better than hiking. Humping is *much* better than hiking.

FRANK'S HUMP TIP: Humping when you're hot just makes you hotter! Try holding paws instead. Not as much fun as humping but better than panting to death.

Humping and hiking and paw holding all day long makes you very tired. Even Pug was tired. We were both too tired to fight over the ottoman so we shared.

The end.

Bye!

Frank