WHEN IN DOUBT, NAP

Today was almost kinda perfect. My human stayed up all night doing stupid Other Pug stuff and was too tired this morning to do any more work. The sun was out for the first time in forever so I suggested we head to the beach. My human thought that sounded awesome.

So we headed to the beach. Dutch ran around like a spaz. I ate rocks, chased birds and played with a dead tennis ball. I don't know if evil/invisible/imaginary/ghost Kim was part of the 'we' or not because apparently my human is the only one who can see her.

KINDA LIKE LUPUS

Anyway. My human was still tired when we got back from the beach. And her hand was pretty P-O'd about having to stay up all night typing and stuff after being attacked by Kim. I guess all her fingers bent backwards or something when she went SPLAT and now they're all puffy and gross. Kinda like when she didn't have Lupus.

I wasn't sure how to make my human feel better, but figured when in doubt, nap. So I suggested we all take a big fat nap. My human isn't a huge fan of napping when her to-do list is a mile long and it's supernice and sunny out, but her P-O'd hand thought that sounded awesome. Maybe Kim did too because we ended up taking a nap anyway.

Our nap was long and awesome and I'm pretty sure today would have been 100% completely perfect if I'd gotten to eat bacon instead of rocks. But I guess an almost kinda perfect day is still pretty good.

KIM'S FAULT

BELLS + ME

 I don't know what Blogger's malfunction is, but for some reason my posts aren't posting when I, uhm, post them. Being thumbless can be so freaking annoying!

So, not much has happened since our walk through Naked Corner. Except on Sunday when we *finally* had some fun with my girl Bellatrix. Our humans have been trying to get together for ages but my half of the humans kept having to cancel because of work or whatever. I didn't even get to go to Bella-T's party.

How sucky is that?

It's kind of a good thing I don't have much to say today because my human mangled one of her hands this morning and is down to one thumb. I heard her tell Tiffy's mom that she went SPLAT during her run and it was all Kim's fault.

WHEN KIM ATTACKS

Yep. You heard me: all Kim's fault. I still haven't met, seen or heard a peep out of this "Kim". And I'm not even sure if she's real or not. But if she is, she better freaking watch out. Because nobody takes down my human without a fight from me. Nobody! Not even invisible/imaginary/ghost/whatever people.

DUDE BUTT

DUDE BUTT !

I don't even want to talk about Dutch and his stupid waffles. That's all I have to say. Especially since the closest thing I had to an adventure that day was a walk through Naked Corner.

NAKED CORNER

Naked Corner is this place in our neighborhood where dudes who don't have clothes like to hang out. And I mean HANG OUT. My human says we can only take pictures from far, far away so you can't really see what I mean. So let's just say waffles are tasty and Naked Corner is *not*.

WAFFLES!

Hello everyone! Pug was being what my human calls a "little creep" so today you get me instead. He can be a little creep in many ways, but this creepiness was not coming when my human called him to go for a walk. He does this sometimes - just stands there at the top of the stairs and refuses to come down. I do not understand it at all.

Sometimes my human opens the door and pretends to leave so Pug will stop being a creep and come running down. But this time she just left his creepineess behind and took me out by myself. I hope this happens again because we had the most amazing adventure.

Many things happened but the thing that made our walk so amazing was this:

WAFFLES!

If you've not seen a waffle before, that is a waffle. I can't tell you much more than that except that my waffles were warm and fresh and tasty. One of them tasted like bananas.

A nice waffle man was handing them out down the street from where we live. Waffles are for humans, but the waffle man gave me some anyway. He served me one of each flavor, on a plate and everything. My human let me eat waffle bits and crumbs off the sidewalk. I am not allowed to eat things I find on the sidewalk so waffles must be VERY special.

I did not tell Pug about the waffles when we got home so please don't mention them. I know he would be sad about missing such a spectacular adventure, but hopefully he will be a little creep again soon so I can walk alone with my human.

NEW DEMONS

So we've been having a little problem with a bunch of new dogs who moved in down the street. They're kinda evil like the demon Chihuhuas who live on the other side of our fence. Only these demons are bigger, hairier and waaaay louder. And there's three of them instead of two.

Of course Dutch is totally afraid of the new demon dogs. He tries to run into the street to escape them  so my human makes us cross the street before we get to the demon's house. She's afraid Dutch is going to get squashed by a car or something.

But sometimes her gimpy brain forgets. And when that happens, this happens:

I don't care how big or loud or hairy the demons are. I say bring it on! I might look little, but I'm only little on the outside. Inside I'm a holy terror. That's what my human says, anyway.

Even if I wasn't a holy terror on the inside, the stupid demons are stuck behind a freaking fence. I mean, what can they do? Dutch said the lady next door said the demons are part wolf and wolfs are "just scary".

ME: scarier than me?
DUTCH: (silence)
ME: Yeah. I thought so.

FINALLY!

Well, I still don't know who Kim is. But we *finally* got to go on an adventure today and I'm pretty sure Kim was there too.

At least I think she was.

It's been really cold and gross and foggy lately and this always makes my human nuts, so I suggested we get up really early and go for a hike some place where the sun still shines. My maybe-crazy human thought that was an awesome idea.

I wasn't sure if invisible/imaginary/ghost Kim would be coming with us and being trapped in Mazda's pod with someone I can't see would be totally creepy. I tried to be stealth.

ME: do you think Kim wants to come hiking with us?
MY HUMAN: I don't know if Kim wants to hike, but Kim will.

Uhm. Ok. No clue there. So me, Dutch, my human and maybe Kim woke up in the dark and headed over the grey bridge and through a tunnel to a place where the sun shines. It's called Orinda.

Orinda doesn't have cows but it's still superfun. First I found some funk to roll in. I don't know what it was but it smelled really dead. Totally worth getting yelled at for.

It was kinda hot so I didn't mind when my human made me go in the lake thing to wash off the funk. At least not until I got tangled up in a bunch of stupid plants. Plants + swimming = no fun at all. Floating wasn't so bad though.

 

After floating, we hiked for miles and miles (like 8 of them). I climbed a tree, almost stepped on another snake and hunted down a pack of wild birds. Ginormous scary looking birds.

Ok, maybe we didn't exactly hunt down any birds. But it sounds very adventure-y, doesn't it? This is as close as we got to the ginormous wild birds.

I don't know if Kim had fun, but I know I did. Am pretty sure my human (and Dutch) did too.

KIM?

Uhm. Ok. So, I'm kinda worried about my human. We all know her brain is gimpy (sometimes supergimpy) so that's nothing new. And she's kinda weird, but most humans are. The thing that has me kinda worried isn't either of those things. It's... uhm... her new "friend" Kim.

I know what you're thinking. A friend named Kim. Big deal. And it wouldn't be a big deal... if Kim was a real person. But I'm pretty sure this Kim is invisible. Or imaginary. Or whatever you call someone you can't see.

Yeah. You heard me. My human has a "friend" that I can't see.

Example:

This morning she was on the phone with Tiffy's mom when we were leaving for our walk. "I'm heading out to hike Buena Vista with Dutch, Pug and Kim," she said. I looked around to see where Kim was, but there was no Kim. I thought maybe we'd meet Kim on our hike, but we never did. This is not the first time this has happened either.

I've never heard my human talk to Kim, but she definitely talks about her when she's not here. Or is here but invisible. Or whatever. Kim could be a freaking ghost for all I know.

I'm not exactly sure where this invisible/imaginary/ghost Kim came from. Or why she's here. But it's superweird and kinda creepy, if you ask me. Superconfusing too. Google says Kim could be a ghost. Or my human could be crazy. Or she's just a 4 year old with an "active imagination".

I'm pretty sure my human is more like 4-0 than 4, which leaves crazy or ghost. Does anyone here know anything about Kims, crazy humans or ghosts??

EEEW!

 

Still no adventures happening around here. The closest thing to excitement was Saturday morning when we ran out of food and needed to drive to the dog food store. First, we wandered around for a while trying to figure out where my human parked Mazda on Wednesday. When we finally found where Mazda was parked, I got to watch my human completely freak out.

And I mean like, freak OUT! The way humans do when they see a great big gross bug or something.

Except there wasn't any great big bug. Or even a small bug. So I looked around to see what her freakout was all about. I didn't really see anything, but I did find this cup of noodles thing someone left in the street right next to Mazda... still half full of noodles!

 

I was about to stick my face in for a taste when my human REALLY started freaking out. Kinda like this:

EEEW EEEEW EEEEW NOOOOO! FREAKING GROSS! NO PUG! LEAVE IT. LEAVE. IT!

I thought this was a serious overreaction to a cup of noodles, but she has been so {whatever} lately I thought she was just being {whatever}. So I got into Mazda before she could find anything else to freak out about.

Next thing I know we're at the awful place where Mazda gets a bath. The place with the scary water and those loud brushy things. NOT a fan of the loud brushy things.

ME: I thought we were going to buy dog food?
HUMAN: We are.
ME: Then why are we HERE?
HUMAN: because whoever ate those cup of noodles puked them up all over Mazda's hood.
ME: oh. Eeew!

I might love poo, but puke I don't do. That stuff is nasty and nasty is NOT tasty. Especially when it's all over the front of your car.

EMILY

I can't remember the last time my human took pictures of me with Nikon so I was superexcited when she picked up her camera bag this morning and said the magic words:

C'com Pug, let's go take some pictures.

She's still kinda broken so I knew we wouldn't be going on any sort of adventure. But I was still kinda confused when we walked across the street and stood next to a pole.

ME: here?
HUMAN: here.
ME: like this?
HUMAN: just like that.

A few clicks, one tiny little cookie and we were done. It seemed kinda weird, even for my human. So I asked why she wanted a picture of me and some pole. She picked me up so I could see what was going on at human-level.

There were some flowers:

And a little sign:

Then it all made sense. People were using the pole to remember a girl named Emily Dunn who died crossing our street this time last year. We didn't know Emily, but it was still a supersad day. People stuck flowers and pictures and notes to the pole for a long time after it happened. After awhile Emily's pole went back to being just a pole.

You'd think seeing the pole full of Emily again would make me feel sad, but seeing her all remembered like that made me all warm and fuzzy. So on the way back to our house I asked my human if she could take one last picture. She said there weren't any cookies left, but I didn't care.

In memory.

 Emily, this is for you. We never met, but I'm pretty sure you would have liked me. I don't have thumbs so I can't stick things to poles. But I can remember.

NOT SURE IF THIS COUNTS...

 

I haven't done a single freaking thing since the adventure that broke Frank last Friday. Seriously. On Saturday I missed Bellatrix's party because my human had to work... and we've been stuck inside ever since.

I'm not 100% sure what's wrong with my human, but it's the same thing that happened a few months ago and I think it has something to do with pee. Uhm, her pee, not mine. All I know for sure is that this stupid pee or whatever it is situation sucks.

To make things worse, a whole bunch of destruction dudes have been tearing apart our street all week. I've tried barking at them to be quiet so my human can get better ASAP but all that's done is get me in trouble for barking.

Awesome.

So today I tried making friends with the destruction dudes instead. I told them about my human's  brokenness (I left out the pee part) and asked if they could destroy the street quietly. The boss dude said there really isn't any way to be quieter, but he did say they'd be done soon.

Boss dude seemed like a pretty cool guy and I guess it's not his fault destruction is so noisy. I promised I wouldn't bark anymore if he let me sit in one of the big yellow machines. He said I am the coolest dog he's ever met and loads of people stopped to take my picture. Not sure if this counts as an adventure, but it's better than sitting inside watching my human sleep.

THANKS FRANK

 

Big fat thanks to anyone who sent bacony thoughts my way. If it wasn't for Frank, bacony thinking totally might have worked. 

Instead, our "special adventure" went like this:

FRANK MUST HAVE BEEN CHEATING.

We went to the park near my house and played a game of Bite the Backfat. Even though it totally looks like I'm losing in that picture, it was a tie.

When backfat got boring, we played a super intense game of Mexican Standoff. I have no idea what staring at Frank has to do with Mexicans, but that's what my human calls it. Whatever you want to call it, Frank sucks at it. I won every time.

GO AHEAD. BLINK.

After the Standoff we walked to the top of the park. Frank will tell you we climbed Mt Everest but we didn't. It wasn't even a hike. My human was wearing flip flops and it took like 3 minutes.

SO NOT EVEREST.

On the way down from Mt Everest, our "special adventure" came to an end. I'm not exactly sure what happened to Frank, but he totally broke. Right there in the middle of the trail. Yeah. That's when my human said the adventure would have to wait (!!) until Frank wasn't so broken. Maybe sometime next week.

SO BROKEN.

Next week? Seriously?? Miss Gimpy Brain can't remember things five minutes from now, no way she'll remember something next freaking week. I told Frank not to look so broken, but he didn't listen. I tried to convince my human that Frank wasn't really all that broken but she didn't listen either.

SO NOT SPECIAL.

So... Frank went home and we went to the UPS place. Not exactly my idea of a "special" adventure but my human promises there will be one next week. Hopefully it will be on a drive-Mazda day. Hopefully it will involve bacon. Hopefully Frank will stay home (sorry dude).

PORKING OUT??

I think my human is finally starting to feel bad about making me work so hard. Because as soon as she's done fighting with the Nikon people (don't ask) and staring at another batch of pugs, we are going on a "special adventure".

I tried to find out exactly "special" means, but she didn't give me many clues.

Here's what I know:

1. Frank is coming.
2. Since Frank is coming, it's not a hike because those kind of adventures break him.
3. My human said something to Frank's dad about porking out or something (??) but she might have been talking about Frank.

And that's it. That's all I know. As much as I loved the cupcakes, I would also REALLY love to eat a Baconator. Paws crossed that's what we'll be doing. Frank might not be able to hike, but he can eat. And I'll totally let him lick all the crumbs off my face.

The bad news is Google says there are NO Baconator stores in all San Francisco. Seriously. None. And I'm pretty sure today is Friday and Friday is a no Mazda day so it's not like we're going to take a road trip or anything to find one... unless Miss Gimpy has no idea what day it is and that's totally possible.

Think bacon-y thoughts. I'll keep you posted...

LIPS MEET CUPCAKE

I'm really glad I'm not the only one who thinks being #1/1000 is hard work. Is good to have somebody (lots of somebodies!) on my side. I mean, Dutch has no clue becaue he's a big fat zero. OK, a skinny zero. But you know what I mean. And my human is so busy and gimpy, I know she totally forgets how hard being me can be.

Did I mention having to pose in a window with fake plastic dogs? No, I don't think I did.


Anyway. My human's brain is soooo gimpy these days, she lost one of Nikon's lenses on Saturday. Seriously. Just wandered off and left it sitting on a table. Luckily my friend Emi's dad found it or we'd be out $1000 and the chances of me scoring a Baconator would be even suckier.

I did get to eat cupcakes though, and that's a pretty awesome thing. In case you've never eaten a real, live human cupcake before - with sticky white fluffy stuff and everything - here's what it's like:

 

You start with a small bite...

 

 Then snatch & inhale the minute cake touches your wicked black lips.

 

Seek & consume any particles that got away.

 

 Do something supercute or funny and you could score cupcake  #2. Worked for me ;)

IT'S NOT EASY BEING ME

Ok, sometimes being me is kinda easy. But not all the time. Like when I'm working my butt off as official pug greeter all weekend.

I know you're probably thinking: what's so not-easy about that? Well. Let me give you a little peek at what it takes to be #1 of 1000...


- SATURDAY -

5:30am
Wake up. Do not eat breakfast (!). Pee. Get in Mazda. Go back to sleep.

9:55am
Wake up to my human freaking out about there being no gas stations.

10am
Quick pee break when my human feeds Mazda. Still not there yet. Still no breakfast. Go back to sleep.

10:45am
Finally get to a place called SLO. We drive around looking for "bright, dry places" to shoot pugs. Stop for bagels. My human eats one but I only get a half. She says I'll get half #2 later, but this never happens.

11:30am - 5pm
Pug shooting time. I hang out, I greet. People bring my human lots of tasty foods... I get a lot of "love". Getting to meet everyone is really cool. Watching my human feed cookies to everyone is not cool at all.

6pm - 6:06pm
My human takes a pee break and comes over to say hi. Pets me on the head and gives me the tiniest cookie I have ever seen, then goes back to the other pugs.

8pm
Pug shooting, day 1 is over. We get into Mazda. My human snarfed down bagel half #2 during her pee break so she gives me a cupcake instead. When she's busy cleaning the cupcake goo off her fingers, I snatch a cupcake half #2.

Thank you cupcake bringers!!!

Take a nap.

10:30pm
We get to the hotel place. Sniff around, pee. My human doesn't remember feeding me cupcakes and I don't remind her. I get to eat my food, a carrot and a huge bite of the cake my human is eating for dinner. Watch TV with my human and wait for the weather dude to come on. Fall asleep before the weather dude.


- SUNDAY -

7:30am
Wake up. Pee. Get in Mazda. Eat some of the cake my human is eating for breakfast. Thank you Spongy, Licky & Patrick for giving my human such a yummy cake! She doesn't even like cakes!

8:30am
Get to the Santa Barbara place. Walk around, check things out. Pee a bunch. Make a ginormous cupcake poop under those funny looking monkey trees.

9:15am
Pug shooting starts. The human greeters aren't ready yet so I have to stand there (tied to a wagon!) and watch my human do her thing with a pug named Buddy. And then a pug named Guy. I do everything I know to look cute but get nothing.

9:30 - 7pm
I greet, my human shoots. I didn't see her once all day so I don't think she ever stopped to pee. Get in Mazda. Eat some more cake. Head home.

9:30pm
Stop at a different hotel place because my human is too tired to drive. Pee. Sleep.


- MONDAY - 

8am
Wake up. Eat. Pee. Get back in Mazda, again. Go back to sleep.

1pm
Finally get to Frank's. Sniff butts. Go for a quick walk. Say hello to Dutch, goodbye to Frank. Head home to sleep.... until Tuesday.


Yeah. See what I mean? And when we fiiiinally woke up yesterday, I didn't even get to relax or anything because my human's brain needed air and we both had cake to walk off.

Ugh!

WE'RE WAITING...

Hello everyone, Dutch & Frank here. Puglet and the thumbs still aren't back from that SoCal place where they went to shoot pugs all weekend. They were supposed to be back in the middle of the night but this morning we got a message that said:

We crashed in Paso Robles (figuratively) last night so we wouldn't crash (literally). Hitting the road again now!

We are not entirely sure what this means, but it sounds like Pug and my human are still on their way home. She didn't give Frank's Blonde Man enough food for me to have breakfast. I don't know why.

Hungry & confused,

Dutch (and Frank too, even though he ate breakfast)

TWO SOMEBODIES LOVE ME!

ONE FOR ME. TWO FOR ME.

Being Pug's big brother isn't always easy. He's bossy and a foodhog and has an ego the size of China. He also snores. But sometimes being me is very easy. This is one of those times.

Because today the mailperson delivered two very special envelopes. There was a yellow one with my name on it, and a white one with my name on it. Not Pug's name. Not my human's name. My name. DUTCH.

The white special envelope came to me all the way from Canada. The message inside said:

Hello Dutch!

This is JUST for you! You can be a cammo pink Ninja! 

I love reading about all your adventures with Puglet and your mom.

Love,

 Deb + Pammy

OMD. Tucked inside the envelope was the most hippest, pinkest cammo I have ever seen. It's not just beautiful, but quite versatile too! I can wear it on my head like a babushka. Or around my neck like a cowboy. When I find out how Ninjas wear their headscarves, I will wear it that way too.

BABUSHKA

COWBOY

Of course Puglet was horrified by my new pink accessory. He was even more horrified when he saw what was in the yellow special envelope, from our cousin Sophie on the other coast. The message inside said:

Dutch,

Here - you can have my pink dog!

Love, Sophie

OM(pink)D! Sophie must have read about our trip to the giant blonde lady store and the dog I never got. The only thing better than a pink cammo Ninja headscarf is a pink cammo Ninja headscarf WITH a matching pink poodle.

WHAT GOES WITH PINK? PINK!

Thank you thank you thank you Deb + Pammy and cousin Sophie for sending me so much love and pinkness. It will keep me warm+fuzzy over the weekend when Pug and my human abandon me to shoot pugs where the giant blonde ladies live.

WARM, FUZZY.

SOMEBODY LOVES ME!

It took a little bit of box-staring, but my box is finally open! My human only tripped over it four times before she remembered to open it too. Casa de Puglet isn't the greatest place to be a box (or a plant) so I'm pretty sure that's a record.

Now about the box. Total freaking bacon bonanza! Big bag of mini bacons for me and a recipe + ALL THE INGREDIENTS for doggie jello. I've never had jello before but it sounds so awesome I don't even care that it's chicken and not bacon. Or that I'll probably have to share with Dutch.

Correction: definitely have to share with Dutch.

My human made me write that ^ . I guess she feels bad that 'poor Dutch' got all excited when he saw something wrapped in pink bubble-stuff. Apparently he thought it was for him. Even though it came in a box with MY name on it.

MINE?

Dutch can have some of my jello, but no way am I sharing what came in the pink bubbles. I have no freaking idea what it is, but it smells kinda funky and my human made the funniest noise when she saw it. Kinda like a half laugh/half scream. She says it wins the award for best bacony thing ever and I say that means no sharing.

 

 

Huge thanks to Necole, Cusper Joey & Zoey and Duff. I accidentally ate a great big giant hole in the bag of bacon and it is definitely tasty. My human promises to put down the stupid Droid and use Nikon when it's time to taste the Crick-ettes.

BACONATED!

Sorry I'm so late today. I figured the only way I'd ever get to eat the bacon Augustus gave me would be to sit in front of the remember wall and stare at it until my human noticed. It pretty much took all day, but my plan worked.

At 4:17pm, I FINALLY got to eat my bacon.

And at 4:18pm, Dutch got to eat my bacon too. Yeah. Out of *my* bowl. My human said something about him getting the shaft and not getting to go to SoCal this weekend, but I have no idea what any of that has to do with my bacon. But before I could argue, my bacon was gone.

I was totally about to completely freak out about the bacon situation... but then a FedEx dude knocked on our door and I freaked out on him instead. Well, not the dude. Just the knocking. Anyway. My human keeps getting boxes from the Nikon people so I figured it was just another one of them... until the FedEx dude said You must be Puglet and handed *me* the box.

MINE.

I don't know what's in the box yet because my human can't type and open boxes at the same time. But I do know it came from a supernice lady in Seattle named Necole and has my name on it. Not Dutch's name. Not my human's name. MINE.

My human absolutely promised we will open my box tonight. It's too big to stick on the remember wall, so right now it's just sitting in the middle of the hallway where my human will trip over it. But just in case I'm late again tomorrow, you know what I'll be doing.