WHAT THE BRULEE?!?

So I've been thinking reeeeally hard about my 350 calories. And I finally almost kinda sorta decided on what to get, plus a few other things I can probably score if when my human screws up the math. 

Then yesterday Dutch had a thing with a foxtail and even though he got to eat bagels to fix it (yes, bagels!), my human has decided Dutch should get to pick out our next special food item.

Yeah.

ME: but I'm the starving one!
HUMAN: I'm sure he will pick out something good.
ME: no! He'll pick a food I totally hate so he can hog it. 
HUMAN: uhm, and what food would that be?

Alright, maybe she had a point. But I hate all sorts of eatables. Like... uh... apples. Totally hatable. Oh, and oysters. Nasty. So my human made Dutch promise not to pick out anything with apples or oysters. And about two seconds later he decided MY hijacked calories should be made of Creme Brûlée.

Creme Brûlée?

What the?? I don't exactly know what it is, but I'm pretty sure it's not French for bacon. Apparently Dutch has been dreaming about Creme Brûlée ever since their food truck started parking around the corner from us. Where's the Bacon Bacon truck when you need it!?!

Anyway. I checked out the Brûlée truck's menu on our PM walk and saw NOTHING even remotely eatable. Half the stuff is chocolate and the rest just sounds weird and nasty. Vanilla Bean. Salted Caramel. Lavender? 

Blech. 

Luckily my human didn't want to add Brûlée on top of bagels so there's still time to change Dutch's mind and save my hijacked calories. Now I just need a plan...

SPOONK'D

I'm not sure if everyone's human is as weird as mine, so let's just say she comes up with some pretty weird stuff. It usually involves some sort of nasty vegetable or other uneatable I want nothing to do with, like jicama. Or Kim Chi. But sometimes... well... yeah.

See this pointy thing poking me in the face? Weird, right? It's called a Spoonk mat and is supposed to help you sleep. Not 100% sure how, but I think it has something to do with getting poked to death. Google says those spikey things sticking into my face are kinda like acupuncture, which I'm pretty sure is just a fancy word for getting stabbed by stuff.

Anyway. I'm tired of having to sleep on the couch because of the snoring and thought maybe the Spoonk could poke the snoring out of me. I mean, when it comes to weirdness you never know. 

HUMAN: hey, what are you doing on my Spoonk?
ME: trying to poke out my snoring.
HUMAN: just try not to poke out an eye, ok?
ME: if I do, can I sleep in the bed again?

I know. It looks weird and totally not comfortable. But it felt reeeally good. SO. GOOD. And even though my human said the Spoonk did nothing to my snoring, it totally put me to sleep. In the bed. Where I belong.

Mission accomplished. 

Thank you, Spoonk!

ALMOST WORDLESS: twice the me

I accidentally holiday'd yesterday, so today you get me twice (and two of Dutch's toes once). Hope everyone's Monday was happy!

DUTCH FRIDAY: the time Pug kinda freaked

Happy Friday everyone! The traffic people just said it's a holiday weekend so I'm extra happy to be here. I hope you have a happy whatever holiday it is! I also hope it has something to do with food so Pug will find something to eat and stop with all the calorie math. It's like living with Rain Man.

Anyhoo, it was bath week at our house. It all started last weekend when a drunk person puked on the cars in front of our house and Mazda was one of them. Pug got all excited because he thought we were going to a drive thru. Until things got a little scary...

And Pug kinda freaked.

PUG: hey, this isn't a drive thru - it's an ALIEN ABDUCTION!!
ME: I don't see aliens.
PUG: first they're going to STEAL us, then they're going to PROBE us!!
ME: where do you see aliens?

I don't know how we've never been to a car wash before, but somebody really should have explained it ahead of time. I wasn't worried about aliens, but being stuck in a dark tunnel with a freaking Pug is not a good time. I know he thinks I'm a wuss, but who was terrified by the car bath? Not me.

Our baths were not as exciting as Mazda's. Or scary! But we did go to a dog bath and that was new. I promised Pug I'd let him complain tell you about it next week for a small bite of his 350 calories. Have a fun holiday and see you next Friday!

With Pink,

Dutch
xoxo

MYSTERIOUS ORANGES

I haven't decided how to eat my 350 calories 1) because the list of possible eatables is way too long and 2) I'm trying to convince my human that worms need calories too and if she believes me, that would totally mess with the math.     In a good way:

0.1 pound of calories + worm calories = more eatables for me

Genius, right? I thought so too. Problem is, we haven't gotten the results from my poop test yet and my human says there will be no math until we know if I even have worms.

Sigh.

While we're waiting I'm slowly starving to death because worms are stealing all my food, I have a question about today's picture. Anyone have any idea what's up with the oranges? My human thinks maybe they're there to protect the plants. But from what? They obviously didn't stop me from accidentally sitting in them. 

Ooops. Sorry plants!

Dutch thinks somebody put the oranges there to "ward off evil spirits". He says the number three is symbolic and holy or something but isn't sure what oranges have to do with anything. I think that makes no sense at all and Dutch should stop trying to be the smart one.

So... three mysterious oranges. Any clue?!?

IT'S OFFICIAL - I'M SKINNY!

See that? Uh huh. The vet scale says I'm in the 24s. And since 25 pounds is my "perfect weight", 24.9 makes me officially skinny. Too skinny, if you ask me. I haven't been this skinny since 2010! 

ME: I told you! I'm starving to death!
HUMAN: I don't think you're exactly starving to death.
ME: well, I need at least 0.1 pounds more food.
HUMAN: (silent and confused, trying to do the math)

In September, the scale said I was a whole pound and a half fatter and I was starving to death back then too. Of course my human said I was too tubey to be starving, but can't you see the hunger in my eyes?

Anyway. Since my human is so great at math (and I was afraid she'd totally get it wrong) I decided to help her out. 

ME: Google says 0.1 pounds is the same as eating 350 calories. 

HUMAN: uhhhh, I'm not sure it works like that.

ME: Google says it does. 

HUMAN: well, I guess if Google says so.

Thank Google! Now all I have to do is figure out the best way to eat 350 calories. Of course my belly says bacon, but Google says 3 oz of it has 763 calories. Huh what?! I'm not 100% how much 3oz is, but three of anything doesn't sound like a whole lot and I'd only be able to eat like HALF of it.

Ugh.

This whole calorie thing is kinda confusing. Any ideas??

ALMOST WORDLESS: somebody vs. somebody

PUG: somebody loves me. DUTCH: somebody is hogging my bed.

A BIT WAISTY

skin and bones!

So, lately I've been having a debate with my human about my weight. And this morning I thought I was finally winning. Until...

ME: I seriously think I'm starving to death.
HUMAN: hmmm, you do look a bit waist-y.
ME: yes! Must have more food!
HUMAN: I think we should check for worms first.

What? Worms?!? What do worms have to do with anything? I just need food. More food. Lots and lots of food. 

HUMAN: Dutch has to give blood today, we can drop off a fecal sample then.
ME: fecal sample?
HUMAN: your poop. It's how they check for worms.
ME: now you're giving away my poop??

Ugh. Then she started talking about the scale and how it doesn't lie and that it wouldn't be a bad idea to find out my numbers. So now me AND my poop have to go to the vet when Dutch gives blood today.

So not cool.

DUTCH FRIDAY: hssssss

WOOT!

Happy Friday everyone! And I mean HAPPY. Last night the fog blob came and took the hot away and now I can finally breathe. I'm still very concerned about global warming, but at least I'm not panting in our living room. Soooooo glad the melting weather is over. 

Now, can we talk about something even scarier than global warming? Snakes. They hissssss like cats but are much, much creepier. They also have no legs. NO. LEGS. 

Soooo creepy!!

And scary. And mean. Pug said I'd be mean too if I didn't have legs, but he can be quite mean and has four of them. 

My human said the snake was only acting mean because it was afraid. Afraid? Of what? What's scarier than a snake?? She said the snake probably thought I wanted to eat it. Ew. Who would want to eat something that looks like this:

Alright, perhaps Pug would want to eat it. But I came in peace. I'd never met a snake face to snout before and wished to say hello. I think it was the snake who wanted to eat me. 

Google says some snakes can kill you. Like rattlesnakes. And cobras. My human swears we don't have cobras in San Francisco and this was a gopher eater, not a rattlesnake. I don't know how much she really knows about snakes but she did check for a rattle. After mr. meanie almost took my face off. 

Rattle or no rattle, cobra or not - I definitely DO NOT recommend meeting a snake if you don't have to. 

Smooches!

Dutch

xoxo

SHORTS + DANGEROUS PANTS

So we made it through three days of Dutch-melting heat without melting. The weather people said it hasn't been this hot since 1927, and even then it still wasn't this hot. If you live in a place with 80s and 90s weather and are still alive, you are totally my hero. 

Ugh.

When I saw this sign about shorts yesterday, I asked Steve to ask Google if we're melting because of global warming. I'm not 100% sure, but I think the answer was yes. This got Dutch all worried because he "cannot survive another single minute of melting". 

Not another single minute? Seriously. Why does he always have to be so... dramatic?

Anyway. So I asked the dude inside the store with the shorts sign how you're supposed to prepare for global warming if you're furry and don't wear clothes. Dude had no idea, but suggested we head to the beach where it's not so hot. Or wait another few weeks for the fog to come, then buy something fleecey to keep warm. 

Dutch seemed cool with the dude's ideas and promised to stop worrying. I also might have told him worrying just makes you melt faster. Yeah, I know. But sometimes during a crisis you have to say things that aren't exactly true. Especially if somebody's about to melt and you still have to walk home.

And everything was totally ok until we walked out of the shorts store and saw this:

Of course now Dutch is all worried about live pants. Uh huh. Live. Pants. And not just any live pants, dangerous live pants.

Yeah. 

No freaking idea. 

ALMOST WORDLESS: how hot is it?

There are no words for how hot it is. It's so hot, Dutch is melting. 

BELATED MOTHERING

I never really know what to do about Mother's Day. I mean, I haven't seen my dog mother in like six years and don't really remember much about her. And my human is, well, my human. Kinda sorta like a mother. But not really. At all.

Yup. Yesterday was kind of a mystery. Until we passed by the Noe So Cute stand on the way to the park for our PM poop. Because the Noe So Cute people are so ridiculously genius, they knew exactly what to do about the whole Mother's Day thing. 

So Happy Mothering Day to everyone from a someone who loves you!

DUTCH FRIDAY: a little something

Helloooo again. I hope your week was fabulous! Mine was mostly good with a little bad. I hurt my back (bad) and had to go to the vet (bad) but he gave me some drugs (good!) and now I feel pretty fantastic (very good!). I also almost got eaten by a snake. But I'll save that for next time in case nothing happens between now and next Friday.

Right now, I want to tell you what Pug didn't tell you about the waco taffle. 

I don't know how things work in your house, but here in ours we have to do a lot of sharing. By we I mostly mean me. And by share I mean Pug takes whatever he wants and I get whatever is left over. 

I love our human but she isn't always the smartest. That means this:

HUMAN: ok guys, you each get half.
PUG: why do I have to share with Dutch?
HUMAN: because you don't need a whole one.
PUG: yes I do.

Turns into this:

And by the time it's my turn, all the good stuff has been sucked away and "sharing" looks a whole lot like today's pictures. Pug's half: bacon and cheese and egg. My half: soggy taffle, bits of bacon stuck to a box and few tiny eggs. 

This is not the end of the world. A little of something is better than nothing at all. Don't tell Pug, but I'm quite sure I got the best half. He may have gotten all the toppings, but I got taffle soaked in their juices. Hmmmmmm.

Love, love and more love,

Dutch
xoxo

WACO TAFFLES?

So the bacon strike kinda worked! AND I got to eat a taco waffle from the drive thru. Here's how it all went down. My weirdo human didn't want to fill our house with stinky bacon (?!?) so I suggested a trip to the Bacon Bacon truck. Except the Bacon Bacon truck wasn't around or something but then my human remembered hearing a commercial for something new and bacony at Taco Bell. 

(she called them waco taffles because her brain is gimpy) 

HUMAN: Ohhh, how about a bacon waco taffle?
ME: what the heck is a waco taffle?
HUMAN: it's like a taco, but the taco part is a waffle.
ME: (confused)
HUMAN: it has bacon on it.
ME: yes please!

So we went to the drive thru and talked to the lady in the box with the weird voice and by the time I got to the lady in the window who hands out the food I was so excited, I almost fell out the car window. 

This is me almost falling out the window:

The nice window lady wanted to pet me but my human totally sucks at drive thrus so we were like ten feet away and she didn't want me to fall out the window for real. She asked if I wanted an extra thing of syrup instead. I really wanted to tell her extra bacon would be better, but I didn't think that was an option.

Driving home with a hot waco taffle in the car was complete torture. No idea why my human always makes us wait until we get home to eat stuff. I mean, I'm pretty sure the whole point of a drive thru is so you don't have to get out of your car to eat food. Right?

Anyway. By the time we got home I could've eaten the waco taffle, the syrups and the box it all came in. HMMMM. SO. FREAKING. GOOD. 

I didn't even notice there were only a few tiny specs of bacon on there. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure this should really even count as bacon. Do you??

HMMMM... WAFFLE TACO

My human left and took her thumbs with her, said she won't be back until dinner. Guess I'll have to tell you about our trip to the drive thru tomorrow. 

Sigh.

The only thing worse than not having thumbs of your own is being left home alone without a bacon waffle taco. Or five.

ALMOST WORDLESS: it's a miracle

Two words: freaking drive-thru. Or is that three? Whatever. I FINALLY scored some bacon. 

ICK

So yesterday I found this thing on the floor. It wasn't the kitchen floor, but I still thought (hoped) the thing might be eatable. I mean, when it doubt, eat it. Right?

Right.

At least if you're me. If you're my human, you freak the heck out.

HUMAN: PUG! EW. NOOO! DON'T!
ME: I just wanted a little taste (a lie)
HUMAN: do you know what that is?
ME: uhm, no. That's why I wanted to taste it.

Duh. How am I supposed to know what the thing is without tasting it? I might be a genius but I'm not a mind reader or whatever. 

HUMAN: well, it's a tick. And it's gross.
ME: you mean those little blood sucker things?
HUMAN: yes. That red stuff is blood.
ME: ooooh. I wonder who it sucked??

While my human was busy going haz-mat on the floor, I got to thinking about whose blood would taste the best. Google says you are what you eat and me and Dutch eat dog food. His is chicken and mine is beef, but it's still dog food. I already know what that tastes like. 

If my human was a normal human her blood would probably taste awesome. But she eats way too many vegetables and weird stuff like seaweed. And she thinks bacon is nasty. Her blood probably tastes worse than dog food. Seriously. Seaweed?

Well, I didn't get a chance to taste any of the blood so I guess we'll never know  what it tasted like. Sigh. Guess I better get back to the bacon strike...

DUCTH FRIDAY: cuckoo for coconuts

Hello again everyone! Last week was cold and raining, this week it's so tropical we have coconuts. Yes, coconuts. For reals! 

We found a whole bunch of them at the beach yesterday when we went to cool off. I don't know how they got there or why, but when the universe gives you a coconut you don't ask why. You just enjoy. If you've ever nibbled on their squidgy white insides, you know what I mean.

Divine.

I know Pug likes to think he's a genius and I just have a skinny neck, but I know some things and coconuts are one of them. I don't recall how or why I know how spectacularly tasty a coconut is, but they are and I know it. Pug took a little... convincing. 

PUG: no way that thing is eatable.
ME: so delicious!
PUG: but it's... hairy. 
ME: yummm.
PUG: really? are you sure?

Of course as soon as he saw how much I was enjoying my coconut, he just had to enjoy one too. Or at least pretend to. I don't even think he liked it, but if I'm eating, Pug needs to be eating too. He's funny like that.

somebody likes coconut

somebody else is not so sure

somebody doesn't want to be the one not eating

I will admit Pug isn't completely clueless when it comes to coconuts. He did discover they make very good fetchables. If you're Pug, that is. I believe in fetching only three things: my Henrietta chicken, flying squirrel and rainbow crack balls. He can fetch his half of the coconut. Mine is most definitely being eaten.

somebody has no idea

Until next time... 

Pink hearts, blue skies and coconuts!

Dutch
xoxo

PRETEND I'M NOT HERE

Still no bacon. I've heard a few rumors, but bacon rumors are even less eatable than bacon flavor. Sigh.

I'm still a little sad about Schotzi going to sleep, but we're going to pretend that didn't happen so her mom doesn't have to keep thinking about it. So... let's talk about the ridiculously crazy weather that's been happening. Tornadoes and floods and whatever the heck you call it when it does this:

Yeah. That was our weather here yesterday. Talk about naked weather. I've never seen so many naked people in my whole entire life. So. Much. Naked. 

If it was 90 degrees outside our house, it was 18,000 degrees inside it. My human had to put ice cubes in fish's bowl to keep him from boiling and Princess Dutch complained of "feeling faint" from all the hotness. I'm pretty sure that's princess code for my head is melting, but you'll have to ask him. All I know is he spent most of the day lying in front of the scary fan thing with an ice thingy on his head. 

So embarrassing. I think I'll go back on strike now...