NEAR DEATH = NOT BORING!

You've probably noticed my life has been ridiculously boring lately. I mean, why else would I talk about eating and sleeping and poo so much? Well, I mentioned this to my human last night and she said I was right.

Bacon = yes. Puglet = right.

Sometimes my human can be so smart! She can also be superstupid. Because somehow she thought life is boring meant drag Dutch + Pug out of a warm bed before the sun is awake, pile them into the back of Mazda and drive off into the darkness. The freezing cold darkness. 

Yep. That's pretty much exactly what happened this morning.

Don't get too excited though. We only went for a hike with the cows. Not exactly exciting but better than boring. The cows have been busy making babies (and pies) so I ate pies. Pies are cool. I saw a coyote. Cool. When the sun woke up it got nice and warm. Cool. I mean warm? Whatever.

Anyway. Everything was cool until Dutch almost got us killed. Yes, killed. By a mob of angry momma cows. He'll probably say it was my fault but I swear I did nothing wrong. There was a baby cow standing there in the middle of the trail. He looked kinda fun so I tried to play with him. Maybe I barked a little. Big deal. I was on a leash. The baby cow was not. He could have run away if he wanted to.

Then there was Dutch. Running around like a headless chicken because cows are soooo scary. This is when things got not so cool. Because of course momma cows don't know Dutch is a total wuss. Or that he's slinking around like a freaking cheetah because he's terrified of cows. Nope. They think he's going to eat their babies.

The thing about momma cows is they kinda stick together. So if one of them wants to kill you for stalking their baby like a freaking cheetah, they all do. Google says it's because they're herd animals. All I know is it means we were totally outnumbered today, like 5 angry momma cows to 1.

My human didn't get the whole not-so-cool cow moment on video because we had to run away. Like RUN. But if you listen close, you can hear a whole lot of angry mooing coming from the herd of angry momma cows running across the hill to come kill us.

R.I.P. BACON BACON

BACON!

 Last night I heard these words come out of my human:

Oh no. Not the bacon!

She sounded kinda upset too. Like something really bad happened to the bacon. I swear.

We all know how my human feels about bacon. Or *doesn't* feel about bacon. Or whatever. So I figured something extrasuperbad must have happened. And I was right.

BACON GO BOOM!

Holy coconuts. My bacon truck blew up! Google said the fire was in the engine and no people or bacon got hurt, but the truck is no more.

It really sucks that the bacon truck blew up but a sad day for bacon means a good day for me. Because when I asked my human if there's anything we can do to help the bacon people she actually said yes. No joke. Bacon = yes.

ME: did you really just say yes to bacon?
HUMAN: yes.
ME: say it again.
HUMAN: don't push it.

I guess Bacon Bacon has a non-truck store over by the DMV place and my human has to go to the DMV this week because she forgot to do something for Mazda. I don't know what's wrong with Mazda and I don't care. Sorry Mazda, we're talking bacon here. What I do know is after the DMV we're going to help the bacon people buying something at their store.

So bacon = yes AND help. How awesome is that?

I can't wait to help the bacon. Uhm, I mean people. The bacon people.

Go bacon!

HOLY COCONUTS

COCONUT #2

Ok. See that brown hairy thing in the picture? Hello. I mean the one with the crooked smile and beady little eyes. That's me in the background. The other thing is a coconut.

I've pretty much given up on bacon ever happening, so I get kinda excited whenever my human brings home any kind of new food. You never know what might fall on the floor. Or accidentally get sucked off the table when no one's looking.

Twice a week we walk to the Asian market so my human can buy her stupid vegetables. Weird nasty stuff like kabocha, jicama and kale. Seriously. The inside of our refrigerator looks like a farm. Dutch likes to eat kabocha guts (technical term: seeds) but I totally hate all of them.

Well, last week my human got one of her vegetables wrong. She meant to get jicama (aka ICKama) but grabbed a coconut instead. Uhm. Yeah. She must have been extra-gimpy that day because coconuts are big and hairy and full of water and look NOTHING like ickamas:

COCONUT vs. ICKAMA

We've never had a coconut in our house before. I think it smelled kinda funny. Dutch thought it was a toy and rolled it down the stairs. My human thought it was a freaking ickama - enough said. So we asked Google what to do with it.

1. poke eyes out with a large nail (!!!!)
2. let the insides drain out
3. bake in oven for 15 minutes
4. whack with hammer
5. whack again
6. keep whacking
7. when coconut cracks open, stop whacking
8. peel and eat

The poke eyes out with a nail part kinda freaked me out and Dutch was afraid of all the whacking. My human says whacking something with a hammer "actually feels kinda good", but she's a freak.

Anyway. When it was all over, we ate coconut. Holy tasty! Not bacon-tasty, but waaaay tastier than anything we've had around here in like forever. The best part? Google says coconut isn't just tasty - it's good for you too. The whole eye poking/whacking thing is kinda weird, but the eating part is totally worth the weirdness.

I asked my human if we could add coconuts the list of stupid vegetables to buy and she said yes (it helps that you can buy a whole entire coconut and all its goodness for like 50 cents). Wooot! Coconuts are officially in.

We bought coconut #2 yesterday. I can't wait until my human pokes out its eyes.

YEAH. FRANK.

I guess I can't 100% blame my human for not helping me finish Friday's Daily. It was maybe only 50% her fault. The rest of the fault was Frank's. I didn't do anything but get in trouble.

Hey. This is my picture.

DUDE! I said MY picture.

FRAAAAAANK!

My human took her thumbs back after that last picture. Because I attacked Frank. Whatever. This just means you get two of me today. And a little bit of freaking Frank.

BREEEATHE + REEELAX

I don't know what's up with my human. She keeps getting our days mixed up. Do you know how hard it is to be freaking DAILY when your thumbs don't even know what day it is??

ARRGH.

The only thing worse than losing days (besides the taste of the new nasty apple food) is what happened last night.

Ok. Uhm. So. Sometimes my human doesn't really sleep. And lately she's been not really sleeping a lot. When this happens, she listens to some dude talk when we go to bed. The dude has a funny accent and says stuff like breeeeathe and reeeeeelax. He also counts to five and talks about the english countryside and flowers.

No idea.

Anyway. Google says the dude is supposed to help my human sleep and I guess it works because every time he talks she is O-U-T out in like a minute. Unless I'm snoring. Then things get kinda ugly.

HUMAN: Pugggggg!
ME: snizzzzzzzzooor
HUMAN: Puuuuuug! Stop snoring!
ME: snizzzzzzzzoooooooooorrrrr

My human says it's impossible to breeeeathe and reeeeeelax if I'm snoring like a lumberjack. She tried wearing headphones to block me out but I guess they strangled her to death or something when she was asleep. So now she just yells at me to stop.

Well, last night I started to snore when the dude was counting or whatever. And when yelling at me didn't work, my human totally freaked. Next thing you know, I'm on the couch. Yeah. The couch. I didn't just get kicked out of bed -- I got kicked out of the entire freaking room.

My human filled the couch with blankets and stuff and made Dutch go with me, even though he has a snout and doesn't snore. And I guess I didn't exactly lose any sleep or anything. But still. So not cool. I mean, has anyone here ever had to sleep alone? On a couch?

I deserve some serious sympathy bacon for this one.

YEP

SPITTED OUT!

The new new food tastes just like apples. Apples are for spitting out, not eating.

 BLECH!

Uhm. Isn't spitting out food is a symptom of bacon deficiency? Genius! I must need more bacon.

LAMB + NASTY APPLES

Remember what I said yesterday about my human not being organized or whatever enough to buy more than one bag of dog food? Yeah. Well, I was right. She totally forgot to buy a bag of food for Dutch. This is how a gimpy brained human works. Or doesn't. Or whatever.

Sucks to be Dutch, right?

My human felt kinda bad that I got new food and Dutch didn't get any food at all. It's been like six years since she picked out our last food, and I guess a lot of things can happen in six years because she found some new food that's safe for spots and might not freak out Dutch's sensitive princess stomach. Lamb and apple something.

Dutch was stupidexcited about the new food - and so was my human. Kinda weird.

ME: why are you so happy about a bag of dog food?
HUMAN: now I won't have to buy two different bags to shut up your poo!
ME: but I love my new food.
HUMAN: well, now you can love your new new food.

I've never had a lamb, but I HATE apples. They're nasty. I reminded my human about the apples and she reminded me that I eat rocks and poo. I don't know what that has to do with anything.

I'll eat anything once. Ok, maybe twice. Or more. Whatever. So I said I'd try the new nasty apple food to make sure it's really nasty - but ONLY if my human promises not to make me eat if forever if it's as nasty as I think it is.

THE VOICE

 

My human didn't speak to me for like a day and half after the Big Poo Incident last week. I waggled. I Jimmied. I orbed. Nothing.

I like poo. But I also like my human. Thing is, there's like this voice. And it's so much louder than my human's - even when she's screaming her head off like a crazy person. So when she's yelling LEAVE IT!!! at me, all I hear is The Voice. And The Voice says EAT ME.

HUMAN: so you're saying the poo talks to you?
ME: yes, that's what I'm saying.
HUMAN: ok... well... you could just ignore it.
ME: it's louder than you. I have to listen.

We argued for awhile about how stupid this sounds. Then we argued about ways to make the poo shut up. Bee hat. Remote-controlled collar thingy. On-leash for all of eternity. Those were her ideas. I didn't like any of them.

Google had some ideas to stop me from eating my own poo, but I my poo doesn't talk to me the way stranger poo does. That's when it hit me: my poo doesn't talk to me and neither does Dutch's. What do our poos have in common? They -- uhm, I mean we -- both eat the same food. Maybe our food is making me eat poo!

It totally makes sense, right? I mean, I've been eating the same stupid food for like four years. Maybe my belly just wants something new and is too stupid to know the difference between poo and food. Maybe it's not the poo talking. Maybe it's my stomach.

Besides, the only reason I eat the same stupid food as Dutch is because my human isn't organized enough or whatever to buy more than one bag. Dutch has to eat the stupid food because he's got spots and a sensitive stomach. I don't have either of those things.

Why should I suffer??

I tried explaining this to my human. She thinks it's just a ploy to:

A) get new food or
B) make our own poo eatable
or
C) both

But I guess she felt bad about not talking to me because she said we can try it. Lucky for my stomach, the food bin is almost empty so Miss Gimpy Brain didn't have time to forget about my genius ploy idea.

Woo Hoo!

I AM SO GROSS?

My human was supposed to let me have her thumbs last night after dinner. Except she fell asleep watching some dude named Lance talk lie to Oprah. Lately the sleep thing happens whenever she sits down. It's kinda weird.

Anyway, it's probably a good thing I didn't get to finish my blog yesterday. Things weren't going so good....

MY HUMAN: don't you waggle at me.
ME: I'm trying to say sorry.
MY HUMAN: you wouldn't have to say sorry if you'd just STOP EATING FREAKING POO!
ME: (says nothing, tries to look pathetic)
MY HUMAN: stop orbing at me.

That's as far as we got. She threw a blanket over my head when I didn't stop orbing at her, then fell asleep. I'm lucky I didn't suffocate under there or something.

I've been stuck on the end of a leash for weeeeeeks because of the poo. Do you know how boring it is to walk three feet away from a human? Well, it's BORING. So I begged to be free. I said please so many times my human got sick of saying no.

Yes!

She made me promise I'd be good so of course I promised. I didn't know I'm the only dog in our whole entire neighborhood who eats park poo. And without me around to suck it down, the park would be full of it. Aged poo. New Poo. Too much poo to be good.

So I was bad. Three times.

The first time I pretended not to hear when my human called my name. The second time I grabbed some poo and hid behind a tree. The third time I ran away with a full mouth and pretended my human wasn't screaming her head off like a crazy person. At me.

On the way home from the park she just kept saying you are so gross. Over and over and over again.
Dutch snarfed down half a muffin in front of 7-11 and all my human said was Duuuutch! Life is so not fair.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

Ok. I was kinda P-O'd when I found out you were helping Dutch pick out sweaters for the mystery trip. But then my human pointed out how Dutch asked so nicely for help and you were just being your normal awesome selves. Even though Dutch totally lied about never going anywhere but Reno, and I totally hate being wrong, I guess she's right. It's not your fault your awesome.

So now I'm just mad at Dutch. And his stupid purple octopus. And both pink sweaters. I hope he freezes his spots off on the other coast.

The only good news is I'll be staying at Pug Mecca when my human abandons me. At least for half of the time. The blonde lady who lives there is supersweet and she even has a dude. And you know what dudes mean. Meat!

Not sure where I'll be the other half of the time. Miley's mom said I could stay with her, but spotted-Miley kinda hates me and her brother Boka isn't exactly my biggest fan. I could stay at Frank's, but Frank holds his pee a loooooong time when his dad is at work and my human's not sure if I can. I told her I can do anything but she's not convinced.

I wish my human would let me stay home alone with a great big bowl of food and access to the cookie jar. I mean, we have a dog door. You could all come over with lots of food and we could stay up all night watching Animal Planet and party like rockstars! Or just sit around and eat stuff.

Party at Casa de Puglet!!!

 DO NOT tell my human I said that. Just in case.

CONFUSING AND SCARY

Thank you thank you thank you for helping me pick the right sweater for my travels! Wherever we go, I'll be wearing the pink of diamonds. Unlike a certain Pug I know, you have very good taste.

Before I give Pug his blog back, there are a few more things I need help knowing please. I tried asking Google but found the answers to be very confusing. And a little scary. I know Pug thinks Google knows everything but I think Google can be a little creepy.

Can I bring my favorite toy?
Right now it's a purple octopus. Our human says it's nasty but I love it.

Is it ok to sniff your cousin's butt?
My cousin Sophie is a pug, so we're not real cousins. When I meet her for the first time, do we sniff butts? I don't know the rules for cousins. Or pretend cousins.

What do you do when you don't know what to do?
Sophie used to live in a puppy factory and doesn't know what to do with other dogs. I'm from Europe, grew up in a kennel and might have Aspergers so I don't understand other dogs either. Could be SO awkward. Help?

How freezing is the other coast, for real?
It's been quite freezing here lately. I don't know the numbers, but people are worried all the oranges might die. Is the other coast cold enough to kill an orange? Colder??

I think I know everything else without having to ask creepy Google for answers.

Thank you thank you!

Love,

Dutch

DIAMONDS OR HEARTS?

Greetings! I hope you don't mind me hijacking the blog today. Pug is probably going to kill me for it. But I'm just so excited about the trip I might be taking with our human in a few weeks.

SO excited.

Pug has been a million different places but I've only ever been in California and Reno. Unless you count The Netherlands where I was born, but I don't remember ever being there so it probably shouldn't count. 

Our human hasn't said a word about where we might be going or when, but rumor has it I'll get to see the other coast. Wherever we go, I want to be ready. So I asked Google what I'll have to pack. Google says the other coast can be quite freezing in January and I'll need to bring warm clothes. I only have two sweaters, but I can't decide which I like better - the pink one, or the other pink one.

The pink one... or the other pink one?

Pug says I shouldn't wear either of my girly-man sweaters because real men don't wear pink.

ME: lots of men in our neighborhood wear pink and they are real.
PUG: men in our neighborhood also walk around naked.
ME: so?
PUG: sooooo, are you going to go naked?
ME: stop trying to confuse me.

I don't know what point Pug was trying to make. Besides, all of my sweaters are pink so I have to wear a pink one. I suppose I could wear one of my human's neck-sweaters, but then half of my body would still be freezing. I really don't understand how those things work.

So, what do you think? Should I be pink with diamonds or pink with hearts?

Love,

Dutch

HOW IS IT FRIDAY?

Don't ask me what happened to Wednesday and Thursday. I need a new human. Or at least a backup human. Or something. That's all I'm going to say.

Anyway.

Whenever I was here last, I'm pretty sure I told you about the mysterious phone conversation between my human and spotted-Miley's mom. Well, I've learned there are times when you should just come out and ask your human what the heck is going on. And there are times when you should ask someone who is less-grumpy and won't get mad at you for wanting to know stuff.

So I asked Miley what she heard on her end of the phone. She said she wasn't really paying attention because it had nothing to do with her, but it sounds like my human and Nikon are going back to the Eat Coast to shoot some pugs. It also sounds like she might go some other place too, but Miley couldn't remember where. 

Oh. And guess who isn't going to wherever my human might be going?

ME.

And who might get to go instead?

DUTCH!

I asked Dutch what he knows and of course he knows nothing. But now he's all excited about meeting Sophie, eating Ben's pizza and sucking down whoopie pies. He's spent the last few days trying to decide which sweater he should wear on the plane, the pink one or the *other* pink one.

Seriously??

KINDA MYSTERIOUS

Can I just say how awesome you all are? Because you're all pretty freaking awesome and I don't say that enough.

My human stopped by Harry's house today to help one of his moms get him to swallow his pills. He must have seen your comments on yesterday's post because today he's feeling much better. Like wiggly butt better. Take that, C-word!

Ok. Now let's talk about me. Because I'm kinda confused.

So, last night I heard my human talking to spotted-Miley's mom on the phone. I'm not exactly sure what they were talking about because I could only hear my human's half and I wasn't 100% listening because she never says anything important, but I caught some words I don't usually hear:

airplane
other coast
soon
freezing
Philadelphia
Denver would be cool
Denver would be freezing
maybe Arizona
pugs
Dutch

Kinda mysterious, don't you think? The weirdest thing is I didn't hear her say anything about ME. She said Dutch. And pugS. But no Pug. What's that about?

The big black suitcase has been sitting in the hallway since we got back from the Eat Coast. I kinda figured my human forgot about it, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's still packed for a reason? I'm keeping my eyes on the case just in case.

HARRY

Sorry if I freaked anyone out on Friday with the whole Go Hug thing. I knew it was important but wasn't ready to talk about why.

I'm still not 100% ready, but here goes.

My friend Harry (of Harry + Lily) is dying. He was acting a little funny so his humans took him to the vet last Wednesday. The vet took pictures of Harry's insides and said his lungs are full of the C-word. I saw the pictures. It looks like his lungs are filled with little black Christmas trees.

Harry also has the C-word on his liver. It looks like an apple in the pictures.

The vet said there's no way to fix the kind of C-word Harry has. The christmas trees in his lungs are making it hard for him to breathe so he won't stay alive much longer. Friday morning we went to Harry's house to visit and say goodbye.

I asked my human if we could bring Harry a goodbye present. She thought this was an awesome idea so we stopped at Wendy's place and got a him a Baconator. If it wasn't for Harry and his people, I never would have met a Baconator.

I've said goodbye to friends before but only on the internet. It's different in the fur, when things smell funny and all the humans are sad and leaky. I'm glad we brought the Baconator because I think it made Harry feel better. He even let me have a bite, because Harry's cool like that.

Goodbye Harry.

GO HUG YOUR PUG

Ok, internet. Stop what you're doing and go hug your pug. Like now. Please. Don't worry, I'll wait. Everyone will still be here when you're done.

If you don't have a pug to hug: go hug your non-pug.

If you don't have any kind of dog at all: go hug someone else's. I promise you will both like it. I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure you can also hug a cat. Just go slow and watch your eyes. Cats can be scary.

If you are a pug, a non-pug, or even a cat: please go hug your human. Hug as many humans as you can find. They might not think they need your hug, but they do.

Trust me.

I'll explain Monday.

BABY STEPS

BRAIN #5. Or 6.

If you're reading this it means my human let me use her thumbs AND remembered to click the stupid publish button. It also means I'm still Daily.

Woo hoo!

Nikon is still covered in dust but I almost got to comment yesterday instead of just reading... until one of HAL4's brains died and my human spent the rest of the night trying to figure out how to fix it. Total waste of time. I mean, even Google didn't know what to do.

Hello! When Google doesn't know the answer, there probably isn't one.

HAL4's bad brain. FAIL!

 So, this morning we went to Planet Best Buy and bought HAL4 brain #5. Or maybe it's #6? Who knows. It's hard to keep up with this stuff. I wish you could just walk into a store and buy thumbs the way you can buy a new HAL brain. If I had thumbs I could do anything I wanted any time I wanted - no human required. Forget Daily. If I had my own thumbs, I could be hourly. Minutely, even. I could drive Mazda and make bacon and...

And right now my human needs her thumbs back so she can finish installing HAL4's new brain. Then it's back to the Deskmill and the Other 999. She keeps saying it's one step forward, two steps back. No idea what that means, but it sounds like a pretty stupid way to walk, if you ask me.

PSes:

* my human says the deskmill is not like a normal treadmill. Think: slooooooow. But I guess slow is better than just standing there and even though Kim isn't shrinking, the walking keeps her brain awake.

* I've never seen my human run around the beach with her Kim hanging out, but I'm pretty sure her Kim doesn't look like Kim's Kim or she'd be famous too.

* Hugo, I'm 99% sure you are #526. And the pictures of you with the bacon-maple Voodoo? Totally ridiculous.

KIM

Yknow, it's kinda hard to be a DAILY when your human can't seem to click the right button at the end of a post. I mean, does the word "Publish" look anything like "Save" to you? Seriously. The world would be a much better place if I had thumbs of my own.

Anyway. I guess this just means you get two of me in one day. Probably a good thing since I'm so freaking skinny.

I know everyone is totally wondering how skinny happened. Well, when you don't get to hike you don't get to eat cowpies. And when your human refuses to even look at Nikon, you don't get treats for supermodeling. And when you have a near-death experience with a totally edible eatable, your human stops feeding you stuff.

That is how skinny happens.

I've also had some help from the thing that came in the giant box:

I'm still not entirely sure what it is, but I do know my human got because all she ever does is stand at her desk staring at HAL4. And I guess when all you do is stand around staring at stuff, you get so tubey you start naming your tubey parts after other tubey-parted people.

Some lady named Kim's Kim.

At least I think that's how it works. All I know is instead of standing at her desk staring at other pugs, my human (and I guess Kim) gets to walk instead. So far she's stared at other pugs for 232 miles. Is that crazy or what?

DESKMILL

My human kicks me off the deskmill thing after like half a mile so I haven't walked very far yet. Kim isn't any less tubey, but pretty soon there won't be any of me left. I think it's time we break out the bacon, don't you?

OK, gotta give the thumbs back so they can do all the things they didn't do when my human's eyes were puffed shut.

HELLO 2013!

Yup. That's me. 24.8 superskinny little pounds.

Can you say year of the bacon???

Happy New Year!